SIL upset DCs (DH death related) calm me down NOW

[lickingstars]

Namechanged so it's not connected to my usual name. You may recognise me from another thread that I posted. I just don't want my usual name on this.

So my DH died a couple of weeks ago. We are all struggling a bit with it. So it is half term this week. I took the DCs to Liverpool on Monday to add to their Christmas lists. They had never been so it was a new experience and they loved it.

I decided to meet up with a friend today to get some Christmas shopping and have a day out we decided to go to Liverpool again because it was easier and there is more to do.
The DCs (12,6,4) went to PILs they usually go for a day during the holidays anyway. SIL lives in a flat 15 minutes away from PILs but she is at theirs most of the time. She and DH weren't close partly due to an age gap but mostly because she is very over dramatic and likes things her way. We only see her if she is at PILs at the same time.

So got to 5 pm just getting in the car to go home and MIL calls me. DD2 (4) is hysterical and can I hurry back. The drive home takes an hour.

Got there and DD2 was still upset and crying. She wouldn't calm down and the other two were also upset but wouldn't say why. MIL said that she wasn't sure what happened as they won't say while SIL was there and SIL maintained that she doesn't know what happens either.
So I took them all home.

When we got home DD2 told me she was upset because daddy isn't coming back.

So after talking about with her and the other two DCs separately.
Turns out PILs were talk to neighbours and left SIL with the DCs making pizzas. DD2 wanted a smiley face out of tomato sauce and asked SIL to do it for her. SIL said fine but then just made a blob in the middle and told her to deal with it.
DD2 said that DH used to do smiley faces for her and it was easy for adults because they could squeeze the bottle. SIL well DH wasn't coming back so they could never have sauce faces again.

DD2 and DS (6) started to cry and DD1 (12) said that was really uncalled for and told the younger two that dad was watching all of us.
Then MIL came back in and asked what was happening and SIL said that DD1 had upset them all. DD1 said that she hadn't and SIL maintained that she had .
DD1 got upset and left the room. MIL went after her and FIL went to get tissues and while they were gone DS said to SIL that he would learn how to make smiley faces to make DD2 happy and the DH could see all the smilies faces from the sky. SIL said DH would be too busy having fun to care about smiley faces. So then the DCs were really upset and MIL called me.

It has taken AGES to settle them and reassure them and I am so angry and upset. I haven't called anyone yet because I don't want to fall out tonight and I don't really have the energy for a fight.

They are good kids and their stories match up. Also DD1 is very factual and DS can't keep secrets so I am sure they are telling the truth.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is completely unacceptable? ILs have lost DH too and it is hard but is it excusable? I need you all to calm me down. I have no idea what to do daily anyway so this just feels to hard to puzzle out.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I remember all the hurt that comes from stupid and crass things people said when my sister died.

Not saying the ones aimed at me as still v hurt by them, but one rather ridiculous thing was the way my mother got obsessed by who should have my sisters wedding ring when her husband dies!!! Husband had said in passing in the middle of his grief that it would come to me, when my sister had said it would come to her, and oh god the fuss and awfulness of it all. Made more awful that the husband is recovering from terminal cancer that he miraculously survived (at the moment anyway). So tbh talking about his death wasn't really theoretical.

It was disgusting and crass, the whole thing, and borne out of the terrible grief.

I'm so glad that it never got aired properly as it would have ripped the remaining family apart.

Be wary of saying things that have forever consequences. It could make your life even worse.

(But don't just swallow it either)

[MorelliOrRanger]

Lemonpuffs email is great I think, as it leaves it open for her to apologise. This is so sad. X

[makeminered]

I agree, the first part of the email only. Things can evolve from there.

[Vivacia]

I respectfully disagree with Tread's advice at the bottom of her page. Unless it's exactly what you want, I'd be cautious about drawing lines in the sand.

There must be so much loss and hurt that I think it'd be wise to go slow, tread softly and hibernate and nest rather than attack.

I am often wrong though.

[WooWooOwl]

lickingstars I just wanted to come back today to say I'm thinking of you, and I hope you're ok.

Only give as much mental energy to your sister in law as you can afford right now, I'm sure there will be plenty of other things going on draining you too, and I'm wishing for you all the strength you need to cope.

[DrCoconut]

Losing your daddy at a young age is horrible. It happened to me. People can be unbelieveably tactless, insensitive I don't really know what it is to be honest. You probably need to protect your DC from further hurt without stirring things up and making it worse. Hope you get on OK.

[Blatherskite]

Oh your poor babies! What an utter bitch.

The DC and I are making pizzas tomorrow and I can see us having sauce faces now and thinking of you.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Dear ILs,

Thankyou for having us on xx and caring for the children. This helped me gets lots of Xmas shopping done and of course it was really nice to see you both again.

The kids have been very upfront and have separately told me what SIL said while alone with them. It's started by xxx and xx. Next xxx (list everything she said here factually and unemotionally)

I know we are all hurting with the loss of DH right now but more then anything the kids needs support in dealing with their great loss.

I'm not sure where to go with this now. I am so shocked, angry and disappointed with SIL. Things are so hard already without this.

I would also add
I don't believe an apology will suffice and in any case the damage is done now. The kids are very upset especially as SIL lied and tried to blame DD1. Please know that I don't in any way hold you both responsible, but I will have to insist that SIL is not there for any visits for the foreseeable future and is not left with the kids by herself if I am not around. I will be writing to SIL so that she is in no doubt about where I stand on this so there is no need to discuss this with her at all. She is a grown adult and you are not responsible for her spiteful and hurtful behaviour to my children. I would prefer you to say nothing as I don't want you both to get stuck in the middle of this but I felt you should be aware of it. It will really upset the DC's if they are not welcome at your home but my decision on this is not up for discussion. I hope you can understand my position and that DH would not have stood for this sort of treatment from SIL.
Best etc,
LickingStars

[VileStatistyx]

I'm sure that she is grieving the loss of her brother, yes, even if they weren't close, he was still her brother and no doubt she is hurting. But she is 25 years old and must have known that she had upset the children, even if she didn't mean to. Even if what she said was not as brutal and spiteful as it sounded, even if the children misunderstood - she had the opportunity to say actually, I think it might be my fault, I was trying to explain and upset the children, I am sorry...
but to act like she hadn't got a clue why the kids were upset? That's horrible.

[Jessicahyde85]

What a stupid woman, needs a good hard slap actually!!!I am so sorry for your loss, this is going to be a difficult enough time for you and your family without that twisted cow sticking her fat nose in.

[sickntiredtoo]

I think there have been a lot of crossed wires because I can't believe anyone would speak to newly bereaved children like that.
Maybe she was reassuring them that their father was happy in heaven and it came across differently.Maybe your DD hadn't admitted the finality of death to herself and said something along the lines that she would be making smiley face pizzas with DH again .
I wouldn't say anything to your PILs .What good will it do? It will only cause them more grief They have enough on their plate , burying a child goes against the natural order of things

[PurplePidjin]

I'm not going to talk you down, I'm there with a shovel ready to help you bury the body

[VileStatistyx]

My god. What an awful awful thing to say to children.

I think you really do have to tell your inlaws. They need to know the situation. Particularly if you have hard choices to make regarding the terms of any future relationship with your sister in law.

[CerealMom]

I agree with MrsTerryP. If your SiL thought she'd done nothing wrong then why lie?

What a nasty immatuture piece of work.

[BatsCantTwerk]

How utterly unforgivable of her.

I'm so sorry about your loss, You and your children sound lovely

I lost my Dad 4 weeks ago so I understand how raw this must still be for you all.

I would go with lemonpuffbiscuit and write an email to your ils.

[NorwaySpruce]

I have a 27 year old sister, she has no children.

She has known my children all their lives, and is like a second mother to them. In fact, if anything happened to us, she would be their guardian.

She only sees them about six times a year, but she really gets them.

I think your SIL is making a conscious choice to behave as she is. It's a power thing. She doesn't have any any kind of bond with your children, and doesn't look out for them.

Call her on it, or cut your losses. Your eldest knows exactly what is going on, and will act accordingly, no matter what you do. 'Smoothig the waters' just won't work.

[Boomeranggirl]

Could it be that in some sick way your SIL was jealous of the attention the DC were getting from PIL? In which case I would insist PIL see the DC without SIL for the time being.

She sounds nasty, spiteful and not to be trusted. I would tell the children not to listen to her at all.

So sorry for your loss.

[iPaddy]

I'm so sorry OP.

The only explanation I can give - other than your SIL is a complete bitch - is that she is also grieving and so is insensitive to your children's feelings.

[Hatespiders]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
Your children sound wonderful.
I don't agree that this woman is just nasty. She's much more than that. I'd say she was a narcissistic psychopath (as someone above said) and obsessed with herself, enjoying inflicting pain and suffering because she likes the drama it engenders. If so, she's not someone anybody would want around children, let alone during intense grief.
I'd explain things to your PIL when you feel able, and cut all contact with SIL. She's absolutely toxic and should be certified.
I'd like to punch her tbh. There's no other word but 'evil' for what she said.
Deepest sympathy to you, and prayers. x

[mutternutter]

My DC dad dead too. How fucking dare she. This is the type of stuff that can scar kids. I should know as dealing with it

[magimedi]

I am so sorry for your loss.

TestingTesting has said exactly what I was going to.

Your husband must have been a great father & you must be a wonderful mother to have such lovely children.

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

Email them, you can be gentle with IL's

Dear ILs,

Thankyou for having us on xx and caring for the children. This helped me gets lots of Xmas shopping done and of course it was really nice to see you both again.

The kids have been very upfront and have separately told me what SIL said while alone with them. It's started by xxx and xx. Next xxx (list everything she said here factually and unemotionally)

I know we are all hurting with the loss of DH right now but more then anything the kids needs support in dealing with their great loss.

I'm not sure where to go with this now. I am so shocked, angry and disappointed with SIL. Things are so hard already without this.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

woowooowl and lickingstars I am sorry for your losses.

OP I would report back factually to pil in the way you've done in your opening post. Tell them that you've now got to the bottom of what happened. Tell them your children are vulnerable and you cannot afford for them to be upset like this again. You don't need to try and explain why SIL behaved as she did. I wouldn't fish for an apology from her, it would be meaningless.

[Aeroflotgirl]

the way she spoke sounds like a 5 year old nit 25 year old. Sorry I am venting, just so angry for you all op.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Blaming your dd1 for upsetting them all, when it was her is disgusting, she is an adult who should take responsibility for her actions, and should have apologised profusely to your dc for upsetting them.