To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

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Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

OP I have been reading and want to say I know a woman who is a family mediator part of her time, the rest of it she is a coach who helps women who are facing divorce and need someone to talk them through the divorce process, explain their options and helps them plan out their future. I can pm you the details if interested.

He doesn't need to do the doe eyes. He is controlling without them.

Speaking to someone like this is as pointless as speaking to someone in English who only understands French.

I suggest you reread your whole thread, NCA, as a reminder of how you felt when you discovered your husband was leaving your children and you to go a shag a stranger.

OP, i just want to share this with you, i want you to know i understand where you are coming from.
EXDH walked out on me when DD was 20 weeks old. He was having yet another affair, anyway, i say walked out, i mean just phoned me and told me he had left. Totally out of the blue. He was in one country and i was in another, visiting family and showing off our new DD.

Anyway, i have to go back to the country he was in, tried to sort it, didnt happen. I put plans in place for him to pack the house, loaded up my car with as much as i could, took the dog and drove and ferried back to my hometown. There i moved into my dads with my car load of stuff and tried to be ok and go about building some kind of life from my tattters.

Fast forward a few months and he gets a call that he is going n a 6 month tour. He calls me and demands i have to go back to the country he is in as otherwise he wont see DD. and that he hasnt packed the house and it needs to be done and is also my responsibility.

Everyone begged me not to go. Literally all my friends and family. I thought i was doing the right thing, He was right and i had to do it, and it was only fair to DD.

The night before he was due to collect us, he went missing. I had been trying to get hold of him all day to confirm plans. But he had gone. Long story short and with the police involved, it turns out on a whim he had decided to drive 4 hours away for a last min shag with someone he got chatting to on the internet that day.
He had not even been thinking about DD and the trip that she was making with him the next day, let alone me.

Again, everyone begged and pleaded that i then didnt go. but he pulled the same sort of shit your husband does, and i felt i had no choice and i was doing the right thing.

Of course, it just got worse when i got there and he only saw DD for maybe 20 mins a day for 3 days and then we didnt see him. I was left packing up the whole house by myself. Then he came round and tried it on for sex and then we didnt see him again. I did ask but was told it was selfish as he was busy and had stuff to do and also wanted to drink with his mates.

I was a damn idiot.

but, i was trying to do the best thing, and i sort of felt i had no choice, this comes years after being emotionally abused and i had learnt to go along with it, or it all gets worse.

I suspect that is what is going on with you with the zoo thing and with london.
You didnt need to go t the zoo with him. You could have loaned him the car seats for his hire car and he could have returned the girls and them at the same time. BUT, i expect he had some line about needing to get off on his course and wanting to go straight from there, so, you had to facilitate that. Again, all about his needs and no disregard for you, after all that has happened as well. And of course you go along with it, its easier to, saves all the hastle.

I do understand, i really do.
Lots of women do.
Its a horrible place to be, bloody awful and that is why im trying to help.
Im really glad you are calling womens aid, i really am.

What stands out imho, is that he is taking action that prevents what you might expect a "normal" course of events here.
He appears to be behaving as though everything is fine, apart from you being in a mood about something. No apologies, no pathetic, clumsy cliche's and attempts to prostrate himself at your feet or beg for forgiveness. So, unless I've missed something, you haven't been able to think much or to yell at him and have him see and hear how hurt you are.
He is being very unreasonable.
Are you bothered that he was cheating? Or a bit relieved that he has crossed a line, making it "simpler" for you to leave him?

Your original aibu, about whether to send a txt. Did you act on that? Did you send her a txt?

Wishing you all the best for this and for good times ahead.

Please op just make sure you actually go to an appt and get one booked if that's the plan.
My ex was staying at his mum's for a week or so and begged me to go to relate as a way of worming his way back in. He begged and begged and begged but would never book an appt or go and denied all knowledge afterwards. He just wanted back in the house.
You are dealing with it all incredibly well. Those girls have a wonderful role model. you should be very proud

Vintagecrap - I agree that perhaps I am back to page 5 of this thread. I don't think working through stuff is linear, it's a spiral. That's why people repeat the same words when stressed or bereaved. But it's not a repetition, It's layers on layers of thinking and working it out.

Thank you for making me realise that at least one circle had happened. Because it has. Because the first time round was me working out if it was real and being numb. I now feel it is real and the calm anger and adrenaline is wearing off. Tears in eyes. Lump in throat. I'm paying attention to my feelings. The DDs are at school/nursery today and this is the first true space to myself I've had.

SO I'm going to get a cup of tea. Call Women's aid and see what they say, and I'll listen. I'm then going to write my novel for a while. My poor character is strapped to an explosive device and had been since midnight 2 days ago.

You really are a star NCA

OK I've made the call, but as per their initial message about being very busy I will call this evening after 7. I'm not in immediate danger and I have 4 days without him. There's someone out there who needs the advisor more than I at 1030 on a Monday morning.

He sounds really controlling and arrogant op. Like he just can't believe you would leave him. He doesn't seem a bit sorry. Maybe only even a bit sorry he got caught. Just because now he has to go thru the sham of counselling - but he knows it's just a blip and you WILL resume normal service eventually, and so will he. He seems so insincere - like he's not even trying to be convincing. It's so disrespectful, but in a way he is doing you a massive favour. At least you wont be fooled by his minimal effort am dram.

I really wouldn't bother with counselling if i were you. Good luck, i'm thinking of you.

Relate offer online counselling which you could possibly access quicker NCA but do it alone.

I don't know your DH but I've been there with an EA partner and I was exactly in your place of feeling bullied into counselling although I made it clear it was to ensure a smooth separation not to try to save our relationship. What actually happened was that he manipulated the counselling. It wasn't cathartic for me. It was yet another place where he denied my experiences, belittled my concerns and as a PP said, the counsellor/mediator does not sit in judgement.They won't look at all your texts and get your DH to see how wrong he was . . .unless he decides to opt for a mea culpa moment.

You have had a shift in your view of the relationship but your DH hasn't. He's trying to put it all back where it was before (including him being able to arrange to meet other women for sex).

I empathise. I really do but you don't have to meet any of his needs or demands. You're still not seeing him clearly and whilst you're in that fog, he can take advantage. Don't go to London. You're acting as though everything is normal and the risk is that slowly that becomes your new normal. Ask your trusted friends in RL to honestly advise what they would do and then listen. They have proven they have your interests at heart. Your DH has proven time and time again that he has his interests at the forefront. You don't need to facilitate that any more.

Just read the whole thread. Wow OP you have been very strong and can I also add to the praise for your writing.

I would like to agree with the people saying don't go to London. You would be playingstraight into his "pretend everything is normal" game. Don't!

Can you go to london without him?

The problem with continuing with plans (like going to London) and being civil, friendly even, and compartmentalising how you feel to go back to at a later date is that it can minimise your feelings to yourself. You can start to introduce self doubt. You can say to yourself 'weellll we get on well, and he is good with the children, and he says he's sorry' etc to the point where it's easier and less fuss to think you were overreacting and this could be fixable. I would say if you don't want to risk feeling like that, I wouldn't go.

Wow, have just read the whole thread - I'm sorry he's being such an arse. I agree that going to London with him might give him false hope and thereby mean that he makes life more difficult afterwards. Can you just go to London independently of him and do what you and the children want to do?

I agree with MrsKoala. I did this soooo many times. I think that when planning to leave, you need to gather momentum.

NCA, im glad you have called them, do call again.
Its not that someone else was more important, its just they got there first.

I understand, its spiral, you go round and round and sometimes need someone to break that cycle. You need to break that cycle somewhere along the line, and then start a new spiral when you try to figure out how to move forward and process what has happened, rather than repeating the spiral of minimising it yourself, if that makes sense.

Im glad you have got a bit of time to yourself too, let the tears come, you dont need to be a robot or a husk of a woman, feelings are good.

The worst i found was if your H makes you laugh. it seems to break down your defences and your resolve starts eroding. I stayed for 5 years with shitbag who treated me like a mug because we always had plans which i tried to be reasonable about and still attend/go on (xmas, holidays, weddings etc) and after we were always 'back together with conditions' within weeks the 'conditions' were gradually going out of the window till it all started again.

To really end it i had to move away and cut contact. Seeing him was like an alcoholic trying to have just one drink, before i knew it i'd be pissed and crying in the gutter.

VintageCrap - I take my hat off to you, I hope you are happy and safe now.

NCA - each time you go through his shit you will get to NO MORE a lot quicker each time but each time you go to the zoo with him, go to London, help him see the children it is a step back. He doesn't have the right to see the children, they have the right to see him. Look after yourself, take care of yourself and your girls and remind yourself HE is not your responsibility and if he wants to see the children HE makes it happen without you.

I absolutely am :)

Op you're doing well, we're all here rooting for you

Glad youre doing well vintage

It was all a long time ago now. Hard to leave but within 6 months life became so much better.

I can't for the life of me understand why I put up with what I did and can vow, never again.

I just wanted to let the op know that o wasn't preaching bit have been where she is.

Hope you are ok nca

How did it go with WA?
Feel free not to answer btw. I just want you to know i was thinking of you.

Hope things are going OK and you have gotten the support you need, NCA. Please don't allow 'normalcy' to push out the memory of what he did. I understand the London thing, that's for the children and you don't want to disappoint them. But please hold on to your truth. He broke his marriage vows. You must make the decision that is right for you. But make it with your eyes open.

Hope you are ok op.