To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

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Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

They don't recommend mediation either!

Another one here saying don't bother to go to the counselling. Whist he's there, make far better use of the time and book a solicitor and get the ball rolling on the divorce yourself.
Don't take anything he says as the truth - particularly about him initiating proceedings, as it sounds like he's just stringing you along in any way possible.

But why do you need to tell a counsellor this? Or a mediator? Or anyone?!

You're entitled to break up this relationship without having to explain yourself!

I know.

Because they will never agree, because he is abusive and he isn't capable of compromise or listening.

Op. If you do one thing, please call them. Even if just for a chat.

Doesn't need to go further than that if you don't want it to. Doesn't mean the police will be involved. Or social services or anything horrible.

They will just listen and be able to give you sound advice and help.

You don't have to deal with this alone nor fumble your way through it.

I think the op is still in the stage where all the details matter and you can't see the wood for the trees.

You almost want the validation of telling someone and then saying ' no, it's not you, he is a dick' which gives her permission to move on.

Because she's been ground down for so long that she isn't sure anymore.

I could be wrong, bit I suspect not.
Which is why women's aid would be good..They are great at listening.

Still going to London is my idea and he was surprised by the offer. But I won't book tickets just yet.

If we don't go I will need to explain to DD1 who is counting down the days. This is the last thing I have to do in the adventure in November series of activities. We've been planning this all October. Practicing the 2 minute silence (which has been blissful), talking about poppies and the wars (age appropriate) and about memorial and remembrance. After this there is nothing set in stone. DD2's birthday is when he's away and we haven't talked about Christmas plans at all.

He didn't stomp today, mind you that's because in his head I was being reasonable and of course I'll get back with him because in his world that's what 2 reasonable people would do. I know that.

If the only thing that is going to come from counselling is a recommendation for mediation then here really is no point in it. By agreeing to counselling all you are doing is agreeing to what he wants you to do when, actually, I think you need to continue to keep doing what is best for you. This is not cow-towing to his whims.

Please, please see a solicitor ASAP

OK I'll call Women's Aid tomorrow as my thing I have to do before I can start writing.

But London is virtually non-negotiable if we can play act or be deluded into a semblance of normality.

London might be quite nice - I assume that most of the time will be spent with your dd's without him?

Do you know anyone in london that you could meet up with/ make a friend event of it with rather than it just being you, him and the girls?

We'd journey together but then he has to go straight off to the meeting point and we need to stand around for ages to get a good view. I have 3 blow up cushions. Mini-lego, the lego movie loaded onto the tablet etc.

He's good at compartmentalising so if we're in co-parent mode we'll just chat about swimming lessons etc, like we did today.

How old is your dd?

I'm sure there will be some sort of service in your town?
You can still take part without going to london with him.

I know it's really hard and you are in shock. And part of you thinks it might just be ok and if you keep up that act for a while then it might be.

But it really won't.

Your dd is 4 did you say?.she won't remember that day, it wouldn't take a lot to distract he from it all.

There is no need to put yourself through that. None at all.

I'm really pleased you are going to call women's aid. I am.
They will be more help than you could even imagine.

But you also might not as you said he did start and you had to warn him you would leave if he didn't stop.

If you tell him between now and then that you are not going to go to relate with Him, do you really think he will keep a lid on it?

Especially when there is drink involved too, which there is at these things.

One is 4, she's oblivious to the day and extremely distractable

It's the nearly 6 year old who is a 'lert'.

If we get an appointment before Sunday we won't be going.

She could be distracted I'm sure. Or as the parent you just explain that you can't go bit are doing x instead.

Relate appointments usually take a while.

Again, don't know why you are going and I would hold off till you have spoken to women's aid.

Also, what's going to happen come Thursday when he comes back home?

How on earth are you going to be able to stay under the same roof?

What if he comes back thur and you tell him Friday you aren't going to relate? Then what?

You already no he accepts no boundaries. How is that going to work when you have to share a bed?

Sorry for all the typos. My phone is a pain in the arse for autocorrect

Fuck it, I would go to London with the DC. Maybe even arrange to meet up with another Mumsnetter whose children also want to do the ceremony & visit the museum. Do it on a different day, use a different meeting point, travel by train, stay with a friend or at a random hotel.

It makes kind of a nice, easy start to your You life! I am SO relieved you're going to speak with Women's Aid. They can be great head-clearers :)

Yes. Still go. Just not with him, on that day.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow when you call them and I'm sure others will be too.

Luckily we have enough bedrooms (just finishing an extension) and have a nearly set up spare room.

And do you think, bearing in mind he couldn't even honor your request for space, for 24hr, even texting you at 4 am. ..
That he is going to happily slink off to the spare room, and stay there?

Oh yes. He'll be fine, especially the first few days. The bingo card is missing 'slinking around making doe eyes and looking hurt'

Hmmm.
Sorry.
It's just you thought he would leave the house. And you thought he would know if he was doing anything other than waiting for yoir crumbs that he existed, you would leave. And all the other stuff that has happened the last few days.

I'd say you don't know at all.

I hate to be mean and push this and I in no way want to upset you further, I'm just trying to get you to realise that no, it's only fine when you are doing what he wants.

And he isn't even slinking around making doe eyes, is he.

He is demanding relate or threatening with your children. Not the actions of a man feeling sorry for himself

And he shouldn't even be feeling sorry for himself, he should be feeling sorry for you and causing all this.

But now we have gone full circle and are back at page 5 of this thread.

I can't see you getting a full Relate counselling session by Friday; in our area you have an initial meeting to outline the problems and then you get allocated a counsellor. we had our initial session within 2 weeks and then waited nearly another 2 for the counselling sessions proper to start.
Sorry

You don't need Relate's permission to not do counselling. You know yourself it's not a good idea but that doesn't seem to be enough for you.

It's not hard to see why you're going along with his demands/threats and booking a relate session, because he habitually ignores your wishes and steamrolls and threatens to get his own way.

But this is exactly why you shouldn't go to counselling with him. He's emotionally abusive, and that power imbalance makes counselling not just unproductive but dangerous.
He's going to come out of the session hearing what he wants to hear, and will cement his position. You'll lay out your evidence of his awfulness, he'll deny or minimise it, and the counsellor will validate both of your feelings. And in the meantime you and he'll both know that you only went because he successfully bullied you into it.

OP you're bloody brilliant. He's just not a good enough person for you.

Sorry. I just meant that I understand its hard to end a marriage. Not hat NCA would be better off if she didnt end it.

NCA, his behaviour is controlling. He is being abusive. Relate wont help you because counselling and mediation simply provide another situation for him to abuse and control you. I agree with the recommendation call Women's Aid before making another arrangements. And I wouldn't be going to London with him. Reschedule or take someone else.