To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

[NameChangeAnon]

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

^ what Castle said

He has shown his true colours as a nasty, aggressive, tantrumming man child, who is now choosing to kick off as he can't get his own way.

Utterly pathetic.

castlemilk
I could have written your response!
Some of the things that were said in front of me last night by both of them and then privately by my wonderful friend NCA made me really see how little he understands her, how little he cares and how his years of emotional abuse has stripped my friend of so much.
NCA is trying her very best to ensure that her children are not adversely affected by what has happened, she doesn't want her girls to learn what an absolute shit their father is which is something I would never be able to manage, she is admirable.
There has been a fair amount NCA assuming blame, but frankly after what she has lived with, what that awful man has done, not done and said, I am surprised it has taken this long and she is absolutely correct in ending their marriage.
Get the lawyer Hun, get a separate life and get him to actually see what 50% parenting is really like because the most he has ever done is around 5%. He has never done what has mattered - even the small stuff like allowing you to sleep, getting up in the night, care for you/them when you/they are ill, cooked any of you a meal, made an effort for you, put your needs before his.

He does have a few good points, I'll give him that, but all the rest FAR outweighs them

He is a bit pathetic.

The reason I haven't sorted all his crap out before is not because of fear exactly. He can be really fun. Our tastes in films/books is strikingly similar. Our sense of humour is gallows. We can plot a zombie apocalypse escape plan in about 30 seconds flat.

I think he lost himself by leaving the army. Then I became all he had as a support. He said I am his best friend, and I am. He's just not mine. He's clingy, like ivy and has suffocated me. It's not the ivy's fault, but ivy is a bugger for destroying whatever it climbs on.

sorry - creative metaphor brain engaged. It's what I love about November.

This is going to sound ridiculous but when I read your comment, Dunwhingin "she doesn't want her girls to learn what an absolute shit their father is" it made me think how I had my father on a pedestal all my life and when I realised he had no right to be there the world didn't end. My case is different in that I never lived with him so didn't lose anything as such but my point is children can deal with real life and I think rip the plaster off.

I am worried about you NCA as your hopefully STBEH is bullying and trying to control you.

Itsfab - I know that what I do now will map my DDs relationships. One of the reasons I stuck with him is because that's what people in MY family do. We keep going (and get fucked up, that's never been as apparent as now as my extended family is also imploding). I want them to know that a twunt is for Christmas and not for life. I'd hate for them to feel how I have over the years. My parents know about all of it and I have tears in my eyes thinking of how they must have felt at times.

Please leave.

Please.

Don't put up with this shit a minute longer.

Don't put your daughters through falseness while you try to hold up an image of him that isn't true.

Leave.
That is the best thing you can do for them.

I absolutely, hand on heart, promise you that.

Taste in books means fuck all. It really doesn't. There are lots of people you could have stuff in common with who would treat you a thousand times better.

Oh he sounds awful
Sorry NCA.

Its very hard to end a marriage. you're doing really wll. Great that you have the support of good friends. All the best NCA

Staying for the sake of the children is the crappest advice and worst thing to do, ever.

My boyfriend was heartbroken when his parents divorced, they had waited until he was 18 and it came from nowhere. It made everything that had gone before seem a lie..

It's harder to stay in one when you are being treated so appallingly.

Your last few posts are so sad. That there are such good memories and shared things that he has been prepared to throw away through such selfish behaviour. What a fool.

It is hard watching someone in a relationship that is the wrong thing for the person you love.

But do you know what? You can see it now. You can see the truth that Dun and your parents and everyone else who cares about you can see. And this is a turning point.

No matter what happens now, things WILL get better. It simply cannot get worse. You are destined for much, much happier times.

Not only will you get strength from this, but your Dds will too. They will see that it is not acceptable to be treated in such an awful way. You are setting them the most amazing example, please don't forget that xx

You rock. That is all

So, when you say he 'showed up', did he enter the house on his own or did he knock and ask to be admitted? His 'laying down the law' doesn't sound like someone who is going to be cooperative and listen to your side. And then he beat feet over to where your girls were? How much more could he possibly violate your wishes! I think if you give him an inch he'll take the whole road to China!!

I can see one session of counseling, in which you tell him in front of the counselor that it is over (if that's where you are, I think it is). Then the counselor can help convince him that you mean it. But I seriously think you'll need legal orders before you'll be able to stop him from invading your territory and disregarding your wishes. He's already completely disregarded your request for space & time. I really think that he believes that he is entitled to disregard anything you say. That's worse than thinking he can convince you to stay in the marriage. At least that would mean he's heard you but thinks he can change your mind. I believe he actually thinks that your words are absolutely meaningless. That your words are to be swatted away as one would swat a bug.

He sounds very emotionally abusive (bit narcissistic?) and I think you should reconsider going to counselling with him.

As in, don't go!

Oh it's OK I'll take in my phone and they can see it all. I showed a friend today and she was gasping in shock at his selfish mememememe moments in his texts. And trying not to laugh at his idiocy.

I'll say again that women's aid do not recommend that sort of thing with abusive men.

This is abusive.

I would maybe call women's aid and speak to them, they can offer all kinds of support to you, including counselling, which is going to be of more use to you than relate. They will also be able to give you advice on how to deal with him going forward and give you free legal advice and point you in the direction of good, family solicitors.

I also wouldn't go to london with him. Why go?
The zoo was bad enough. Any time you spend with him is another opportunity for him to stomp all over you.

Why not just cut the middle crap out and file for divorce tomorrow? He hasn't shown any remorse or understanding. Hasn't done what you reasonably asked and is now trying to bully and control you. Take the wind out of sails!

Thing is, they won't really care about the texts. They aren't going to hold him accountable. It's about trying to help you communicate.

There is no communicating with a man like this.
Which is why women's aid advise against it

De-lurking - please NCA, listen to Vintage.

The plan was to go to counselling and explain what he's like and how I cannot trust a word he says. Nothing goes in, no advice, no warnings he's had from friends previously that he'll lose me, no requests I make. How he has no respect for boundaries (several) and that I connot see how it would work, but I was blackmailed to come.

Then I'll suggest we need mediation rather than couples counselling.

I know it's really hard to get your head around, as you are a decent, reasonable person. But he is not.
He , as demonstrated, neither acts reasonably, or like any normal person would.

So, your reasonable brain says ' it's ok, I have text proof'
Except he won't say ' yep, she's got me, I can see I am an arse'
Instead he will do something threatening, or humiliating, or try to use yoir children against you, like he has threatened with relate and held over your head with london.

And you back down, because you think you should be fair. And he has won. Again. And so it continues.

The only way to stop it is to not engage. That is the only way to win.

Then what's the point of even going?

Just say no. And go straight to mediation?
But do seek legal advice first. Or speak to women's aid. They are there to help. It isn't just physical violence they help with and there is no stigma. You don't even have to tell anyone.