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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

876 replies

NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 16:37

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

OP posts:
CrumpleHornedSnorkack · 02/11/2014 17:44

How will 50:50 work with him being away so much?

Waltermittythesequel · 02/11/2014 17:47

The more I read the more it seems as though he just doesn't give a shit about you. I'm so sorry.

But, again, well done! You're handling things brilliantly.

Frogme · 02/11/2014 17:48

I was going to ask that.

Don't agree to go for counselling unless you actually want to go.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 02/11/2014 17:48

He'd have them when he's back

Of course that will severely limit my ability to be a full time parent the rest of the time, as I'd be hard pressed to find a 3 week on and 3 week off job on the opposite shift. I'd leave the details of that to a solicitor if it came to it.

OP posts:
Theorientcalf · 02/11/2014 17:50

So he's telling you how it would work, refusing to give you space or even give a shit about what you might want.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 02/11/2014 17:52

Oh the first thing I will tell the councilor is about the blackmail he's trying on and that I'm not ready to sort through things as I'm still in the numb, vulnerable place. I'll take my phone with proof and that he contacted me sooooo many times in the first days (and 4 in the morning) when I just asked for one night off from him.

I've been writing timelines of major shit in the marriage and how I felt. I'm about to write a summarry of the last (counts on fingers) 4 days.

OP posts:
Vintagecrap · 02/11/2014 17:52

Hmmm. He isn't really giving you space, nor appearing sorry for what he has done, is he.
How are you feeling about it all now and how you might go forward?

Re the 50/50 it's a threat to keep you in line, bit you know that already. Plus, even though that's what you would want, it would be impossible because of his job. You know that and he knows it too.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 02/11/2014 17:59

He needs to do the relate thing. He needs to feel vindicated that he did everything he could to stay in the marriage. He needs to write his history as the good guy. He had this from marriage 1 (though she was at more obvious fault). I must remember to ask him how he felt when his ex had an affair during the counseling/ mediation phase. Grin I still have his old wedding ring... (it's in the gold to sell packet) and it's a cut and twisted bit of metal after he took his tools to it years ago.

If he needs to go to relate in order to let me do whatever is right for me then he can knock himself out. He can divorce me for unreasonable behaviour (as with all things there is fault on both sides).

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 02/11/2014 18:01

I never know why, when they've been caught doing something wrong, that the dw has to attend counselling.

Like talking about it makes it all ok somehow.

Frogme · 02/11/2014 18:05

It sounds as if you have made up your mind not to bother trying to save the marriage.

Do what needs to be done to make it as amicable as possible for the children's sake. I'm sure you will come across as reasonable to the counsellors and courts. You have managed to do that to us.

How will it be possible to maintain a house for him where you are, if he is away so often? It sounds expensive if he is hardly around.

Vintagecrap · 02/11/2014 18:14

If you don't want to go, don't.

They all try to rewrite history, it's their way of trying to justify the shit they have done and make them look like the wounded party.

You don't sound like you want to stay in this marriage at all.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 02/11/2014 18:16

Frogme - to stay in the marriage he will have to change so radically I don't think he could keep it up for a week. I'd have to trust him and I don't know how I can. I'd have to get intimate with him sometime and right now he disgusts me.

The balance of power has to change. All of my fiends are dismayed but how much give I gave and how much he took until I lost me in the habit. It's possibly why I'm so calm. I'm happy to have only me (and the DDs) to think about, not another adult who I have to argue my rights to do something.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 02/11/2014 18:18
  • Friends. FRIENDS, not fiends...

Well not all of the time.

OP posts:
Vintagecrap · 02/11/2014 18:20

I know we don't do hugs on here, but bless you, you sound like you need one. For being so strong, for what you have given to your marriage and for the turmoil of this weekend and what is ahead. X

quietbatperson · 02/11/2014 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monathevampire1 · 02/11/2014 19:17

NCA I actually think counselling might be your best friend, your DH is a bully who has been well and truly caught out. You having your chance to have your say in a controlled environment might be the best thing to come out of this. Embrace the counselling and even consider some private one to one so you can sort out exactly what you want and how you achieve it.

If divorce is the right plan then get the right arrangements to suit you and the girls. They and their father deserve a relationship.

Daria01 · 02/11/2014 19:20

Shock NCA, he sounds so vile! His behaviour reminds me of my ex's (custody threats, bullying behaviour and the constant smothering when needing time to think).

It sounds like you've made up your mind that he's not worth the hassle. I really do think that you'd be much better off if you got rid!

The line about fighting for your rights to justify why you want to do something (on phone, can't look back sorry) is precisely why you'd be far happier without him. It sounds like he views you as a possession, and he's worried he's about to lose you so he's acting in an aggressive manner to 'keep you in line'.

It sounds like he thinks he can chip away at you until you give in. Try to ignore as many of his demands as possible if you can. You don't want to enable his shitty behaviour/ obsessiveness, but I think you should perhaps go to the relate session. If you put across your side of the story and detail everything that's gone wrong since 2005, he might realise that you're serious about this.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 02/11/2014 19:24

Don't worry that I'm going to admit that all fault is mine! I have soooooo much to say. As he's a civil servant of sorts his work will pay for some counseling. I've also suggested that as ex-forces we could look to SAAFA for support.

Anyway I can't be at fault. I am the protagonist in my own story (sorry trying to get the word count for NaNoWriMo at the moment).

OP posts:
Vintagecrap · 02/11/2014 19:30

Thing is, relate isn't a court. .There isn't going to be a ' you are right and you are wrong' you don't even get that in a divorce.

In a way it will be good to get it all off yoir chest, but when you are dealing with someone emotionally abusive, it's unlikely to have any impact on him at all..... which is why women's aid advise against this and mediation. It doesn't work.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 02/11/2014 19:32

Anyway I can't be at fault. I am the protagonist in my own story (sorry trying to get the word count for NaNoWriMo at the moment)

I hope, if nothing else, your dumb ass husband is giving you enough material for your book write Grin hope it goes well x

Itsfab · 02/11/2014 19:33

How were you unreasonable? Confused

He planned to cheat on you.
He didn't give you the space you asked for.
He called you in the middle of the night (4am).
He has told you you are going to counselling or else.
He is trying to black mail you.
He is making empty threats as he can not have 50:50 custody.

Hate this man Angry.

I think everyone else on this thread have been brilliant in their support and advice but NAC, you are totally awesome. Just don't back down too much more.

CruCru · 02/11/2014 19:36

Hmm. Is it worth seeing a solicitor before your Relate session? It may be worth knowing what your rights and options are before you go in there.

Daria01 · 02/11/2014 19:37

I completely see where vintage is coming from. I was with an emotionally abusive -arse- man and although mediation didn't make the slightest bit of difference to him, it felt great to be able to tell somebody everything that had happened and have him sit there and sulk, because on some level he too knew that he was an emotionally abusive -arse- person.

It felt like the adult equivalent of blowing raspberries at him from across the table Grin

Of course, I didn't deliberately antagonise him, but it felt like a weight had been lifted that day.

Daria01 · 02/11/2014 19:37

arse *

Castlemilk · 02/11/2014 19:46

He's really quite aggressive isn't he?

And reading between the lines, you sound afraid of him.

I really hope that you find the strength to decide what you want to do, and stick to it, and I really hope that that includes getting rid of this person.

He absolutely does not respect you one tiny shit. He sounds like the worst kind of shitbrained, muscle-proud aggressive fuckwit who, despite all the protestations, sees himself as free to drink, fuck and disrespect wherever and whoever he likes, especially the little woman back home who he sees as his property. He would have fucked that woman, as he's probably done many times before, and you haven't known about it.

And when you have the cheek to call him on it, this is what you get. Utter fury that you are daring to call him to account, and the worst kind of threats. Get back in your place woman, I'll be home when I decide to be.

And you are cowering. Going ahead with London. Keeping up appearances. I see that it's for your children, but I really, really hope you eventually tell him that the moment he came to the door, when you'd asked for space, and threatened you using your children, that that was the moment he sealed the fate of the marriage.