To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

[NameChangeAnon]

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

I'm sure you already know this, but make sure the key is actually turned in the lock so the outside and inside locks are not aligned iyswim?

I tried to lock somebody out but they got in as I'd not turned the key!

Pleased you're all okay. Sweet dreams to you and yours elfyncat x

Welcome Home, NCA!

Daria01, all turned to 3/8 from upwards.

I over-think things in advance of actually needing them.

More than the initial messages I am shocked by his response to it all. He seems to be being incredibly selfish, taking no responsibility for the pain he has caused you (and could cause your children) and is just all about him.

It sounds like he sought this woman out and there is no excuse for that. He sounds spineless and rather than talking things through with you about issues within your marriage has just though of himself.

You sound amazing and like an insanely good mother. Your dds are so lucky to have a parent like you. If you end up sorting things out I hope he realises what he almost lost. Personally I couldn't have respect for someone who risked so much and still only looked at how he feels and what he wants, but inly you can make that call.

I would also struggle to trust him on his trips after this, which may make your life a living hell.

Best of luck in the future, whatever happens . Xx

I have to agree that apart from his frankly utterly shit behaviour re arranging to meet OW, it is his response that is the most shocking thing. It's all me, me, me. OP you are doing so well, I'm pleased you have lovely friends around to help you.

I have now had a good night's sleep. The hobby kicked off well at midnight (It's a month long creative writing marathon if anyone is interested. There's a thread in MN Creative Writing about it...) and then I crashed.

I have the lovely Dunwhingin offering to rush emergency pink wine to me later.

I have no new text messages from anyone else.

I'm going to spend today mainlining rescue remedy being me, having fun in one of my favorite hobbies. As I've been out of the house for the last few days I'm not at all ready. So I'm just going to plod for an hour, have a shower, pack the kids sleep-over bag. Put the essentials into my laptop case so I look organised as the organiser, even if I then find I've forgotten the laptop and cannot write... (this is possible).

I'm still feeling mostly numb. I'm going to let it do whatever it is doing. I'm sure the numb has plans to help me, and will go at the right time. I'm not holding it together for the kids (at least consciously) as such but I look at them, happily building mega blocks towers at the moment, and think that my life's not too bad. I am a hopeless optimist.

Whatever happens in this marriage now, I will be fine a year down the line, 5 years down the line, 30 years down the line. I'm good with change. I have good 'balance' in my life even if there's a bit of a swell.

And all of those paragraphs start with 'I' except the one above starting with a qualifier before I got to the 'I'. sitting here with creative writing head on, thinking of editing it for the sake of completeness . Good. I shall try to focus on what's important in chez elfycat and not on anything peripheral. For a few days at least.

I hope you have a great day

If you want to buddy up with me OP I'm also the marathon [[http://nanowrimo.org/participants/msbrookes]]

It's my first year - I think I am doing OK so far!

hmm....

... writing the marathon*

You are awesome, NCA.

Good luck with everythign OP, hope nano goes well for you too.

Good luck if you do post in relationships, they also helped me after my nerd military xh checked out of our marriage.

More importantly I hope things work out the way you want them too

i haven't RTFT, just the OP's posts. You are a terrific writer, good luck with your creative writing, you deserve to be successful. You are witty and charismatic and can really hold the reader's attention despite the harrowing subject matter. You've handled yourself with dignity and pride, I'm not worried about you, you're going to be OK ma darlin.

Biggest revelation for my dh was that my life went on and although it was nice to have him in it, he wasn't essential iykwim

Will there be a way of using the ex-forces network for support?

Is there a sort of welfare officer for families once you've left The Fold?

Might be handy to ask them for advice, you won't be the first one in this situation, and, if you're getting support from someone Military, well, perhaps he'll take you seriously?

I have the impression that Relate aren't that great for men on the spectrum not that I'm bitter and I wonder whether ex-Forces adds an extra complication to the "nearly had a shag, probably done it before" story.

Good luck!

Hope you're doing ok x

Wow just caught up with the thread.

I admire you op. The way you have held things together is real classy. Well done you.

We're things today NCA? Hope the writing is going well x

• How're not We're

Glad you're doing OK. Admiring your strength and resolve.

Wow, NCA. I hope should similar ever happen to me I have your strength, I think you are amazing. What a fool your dh is. Thinking of you and hoping you and your DD's are doing ok.
They say friends are the family we choose. Yours sound solid supportive and trustworthy- speaks volumes about you too.

He turned up at the house last night. Calmly laid down the law that he would be back on Thursday, told me we would be going to relate on Friday or as soon as he could arrange or he would go for 50:50 custody. And finished it by saying he was taking the girls to the firework.

Stupidly I told him the girls were out. So he went to my friend's house and I ran over. We had a bit of a public shouting match. When we calmed down I agreed he should see the DDs and arranged for him to see them at the zoo today. I had to take them as he's off to the course (the one that would have given him the oppotunity...) in a hire car with no car seats.

So I've spent the afternoon being polite. The DDs had a blast. He tried raising something about stuff and I told him I would walk away and see him when he left. We made small talk about work and stuff.

I've also agreed to continue with the plans for next weekend, to take the DDs to London as he's in the march to the Cenotaph (merchant navy now) and they can wave flags and be proud of him.

Might as well. I have the lego creator stuff to keep them busy and DD1 would quite like to see the paintings at the national gallery. Plus a train ride! She's counting down the days.

re the threat of 50:50. It's what I would want. He has no cards in this game of poker. He can force me into counseling as all I've asked for is space and he's trying to make sure I don't have time to think. This demonstrates his absolute lack of empathy and understanding, which is part of the longer term issues. It could well be an own goal.