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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

876 replies

NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 16:37

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 31/10/2014 08:47

Thank you all again for your support and the time taken by all of you.

Vintagecrap I hope you piss has cooled down a bit today. Your ire has made me smile and while I may not follow all of your advice to the letter I'm finding you a good measuring stick and I note all of the 'what she said'. I need to channel a bit more anger.

OP posts:
curlyweasel · 31/10/2014 08:50

You are amazing OP - stay strong for yourself and the girls. You know you all deserve better than this. X

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 31/10/2014 08:52

that's a great message! I hope he actually takes it on board. He is coming across as a massively selfish twat just now

mumteedum · 31/10/2014 09:02

Just read whole thread.

Firstly, you are too good for him. I am confident in saying that.

Secondly , your email to him today was spot on. Just do what it takes to get him out of the house. Do not loose your home because of his utter selfish and immature behaviour. I say this as someone going through dv, typing this from tiny rented house 2 streets away from stbxh, alone in our 3 bed house, whilst me, dog and ds are here.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 31/10/2014 09:09

I do have a investment property in the town. I would need to give notice to the tenant and I don't want to change the mortgage from BtL to residential as the interest rate is amazing. Plus I might need the small income generated. This isn't something to do in a hurry. It is closer to dd1's school than the current address. But I do have good options, which has removed slime of the fear element.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 31/10/2014 09:11

*some

On phone until I can get internet on the new laptop (instrument if truth and doom). It has a different operating system than I'm used to.

OP posts:
Vintagecrap · 31/10/2014 09:29

Nca :) no worries my lovely x.
You don't have to follow any ones advice to the letter, you have to do what is right for you.

Look, I took my fecker back. Dd was little and I didn't want her to be from a ' broken home' I didn't want the guilt of not trying. Took me two years to take him back properly and when I did it all came crashing down around my ears. Biggest mistake ever. However, if I hadn't had done that I would have always wondered and I can say that I tried.

What I learnt is one person can't do all the trying for the whole family. One person can't do all the caring and one person can't be the glue.

I can understand the lack of anger, you said you were not surprised by this. After a while you just get ground down and just feel disappointed. It's too much effort to get angry and you know it's not going to get you anywhere anyway. But, sometimes anger is what you need and hopefully by telling a few rl people about this they will rally and support you too. Use the anger productivity. Don't shout but use it to drive you forward.

You are clearly a super strong woman. And, whatever happens, you will be ok. Maybe even better than you are right now.

Gruntfuttock · 31/10/2014 09:33

I'm sorry, NCA, but again I'm puzzled by the thinking behind offering to make a phone call for him.

Vintagecrap · 31/10/2014 09:33

And great news about the other property.

I think you know really how you feel, it's just the fear is there stopping you from taking the last step. And, as the shock wears off and you start thinking practically rather than emotionally, you will realise there really is nothing to be afraid of.

Vintagecrap · 31/10/2014 09:54

Grunt. Me too.
However, in the ops defence, she is still being nice as she would normally be and caring. You think if you treat people like that then they will treat you the same. It rarely follows like that but it's not been many days and I guess it's a difficult habit to break.

Also, knowing forces and ex forces men as I do. The majority of them tend to be quite entitled. Big stereotype there I know. But the forces sets it up so it's all about them. Their work, their course, their weekend off. Things are planned and they just turn up.lots of them lose a bit of the capacity to think for themselves and still expect the world to revolve around them ,clearly demonstrated by this man's texts. .. what do I do now. What about my course. It wasn't till some 12 hours later he thought to even ask if the op was ok.
Nor making excuses, it's just how lots of them are. When you are in a relationship with someone that is set up like that, and the wider community is set up to support that, it is quite hard to change that mindset at the drop of a hat.

It does need changing for sure. But it's still difficult.

Sarahplane · 31/10/2014 09:56

Stay strong op you are amazing. He is an utter cunt

addictedtobass · 31/10/2014 09:58

Your messages are good OP, stick to them. You get 36 hours with no shit from him, if he texts in that time random shit as he has been doing then the clock resets.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 31/10/2014 10:02

Did you know the tech guys in the army? The nerd ones? They tend to be the refuge if the more autistic ones. This is partly why I am going to call his sister. He has an added layer on why he might not react well to change. The friends I stayed with last night asked if I had been at all ambiguous in my communication with him, because they know him too.

OP posts:
Vintagecrap · 31/10/2014 10:13

I knew lots. Was an army wife myself then worked for the mod helping soldiers in various guises from different corps for many years.

I've also seen almost exactly the same thing happen to so many army marriages. Soldiers need to be able to compartmentalise more than the adverage Joe. Unfortunately that means they can do stuff like this without batting an eyelid and without really seeing it as a problem. More so when they see mates around them doing the same.

So. I can understand you trying to help me by offering and caring. BUT it isn't going to help long term. You might get over the blip but the same thing will happen because he hasn't taken responsibility himself. He needs to do this or it just won't work. You need him to do this so he can prove to you how sorry he is. You need him to do this so he can be the husband you deserve.

You haven't been ambiguous bar offering to call people and keeping up the communication. Which is why people keep saying stop both. It sends a far louder message than it does to keep talking and offering help. What he sees when you offer to do stuff for him in this situation is ' she still cares so it will be ok' . The rest if the message is then lost on him.

I know he isn't forces now but there is still support out there, accessible, for people that understand the dynamics.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/10/2014 10:36

I love ScarletFever's suggestion! Halloween Grin

Safiyah · 31/10/2014 10:36

I have just read this entire thread and all I can say is wow. OP, i take my hat off to you. There is no way I could have handled your situation so well. I don't really have much advice, I'm quite young and have only been married 2yrs and no kids (expecting my 1st) but I think you done amazingly well so far and just want to say keep going girl! Grin

WeirdCatLady · 31/10/2014 10:52

Morning. I hope he sees sense and gives you the space you need.

I really want to slap some sense into him. Arsehole.

Hope you and your girls have a happy halloween xxx

RandomFriend · 31/10/2014 11:04

BTL mortgage rates are usually higher than owner-occupier rates so if you were to change you might get a lower rate.

Hope you have some space today.

MrsHathaway · 31/10/2014 11:13

Your messages are good OP, stick to them. You get 36 hours with no shit from him, if he texts in that time random shit as he has been doing then the clock resets.

Yes, this. "I have asked you for 36h with no contact. The clock has been reset."

He is sabotaging his "chance to make things right" that he begged for. Mind you, he doesn't want to make it right, he wants to make it go away.

LIZS · 31/10/2014 11:19

He is sabotaging his "chance to make things right" that he begged for. Mind you, he doesn't want to make it right, he wants to make it go away. Completely agree. He is in denial, doesn't recognise the impact it has had and is trying to do the minimum to restore how things were before to carry on as normal. If he acknowledged blame, guilt or even just said sorry and allowed you space things might be different but all he is doing now is compounding the original hurt.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 31/10/2014 11:24

I called his sister. He needs to get his head out if the sand. He'll always be her little brother though she's not thrilled with him at the moment.

We're off out to the zoo today.

OP posts:
Stupidhead · 31/10/2014 11:25

Have you thought about taking some anger out on a pumpkin? Very satisfying!

MrsKoala · 31/10/2014 11:30

Vintage you have just described my dh perfectly (also forces) and yes NCA he is also a 'nerd' one and on the spectrum and doesn't accept change or do much empathising. i can imagine him being exactly the same in this situation. Which is why i feel so angry on your behalf. it's the dismissal of valid feelings which makes me want to set my hair on fire.

He is an idiot to jeopardise your relationship. he sounds very lucky to have you in his life. the utter utter fool.

HerVagesty · 31/10/2014 12:16

Good going OP. You are in complete control of this situation and you are handling it amazingly.

Stick to your guns. Hopefully he will listen and start showing you some of the respect you very well deserve. Thanks

HerVagesty · 31/10/2014 12:16

Good going OP. You are in complete control of this situation and you are handling it amazingly.

Stick to your guns. Hopefully he will listen and start showing you some of the respect you very well deserve. Thanks