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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

876 replies

NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 16:37

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

OP posts:
Dunwhingin · 30/10/2014 22:10

Sorry TooExtra I'm the one who is a fair drive away.. Trust me, I've been resisting the urge to go up there and dig a big hole for the stupid Twunt!
I would imagine the friends NCA is with are trying to resist the urge to beat the crap out of him... She is with great people, completely the right place for her and her dcs.
He is a man child, it is a good term for him. I am so angry with him, my dear friend has loved him deeply and made many sacrifices for him, put up with endless crap from parts of his family and tried so hard to make a great life with him.
She absolutely does not deserve this

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 30/10/2014 22:37

Hi dunwhingin.

She's a very long term friend 30+ years.

He finally got round to texting 'are you ok?' An hour or so back. I did not reply.

DDs and I are comfy. They're asleep. Dd1 knows that there's a problem and I've just said that daddy said something that made me cross and then hasn't said sorry. I wanted to talk with my friends and then couldn't drive due to beer so we'll have a sleep-over.

OP posts:
KatOD · 30/10/2014 22:38

Hope you're ok and get the space you need to think through what you want. I have a lot of respect for your self-control and the strength you're showing for your DDs.

Just to re-iterate... What a complete twat.

Dunwhingin · 30/10/2014 22:51

KatOD she is an amazing woman and a great mother

NCA is a gold plated friend, though just losing some of that lustre for the reminder of age Halloween Wink

Don't reply, its on your terms now

BookABooSue · 30/10/2014 23:00

NCA I'm glad you're staying with friends. You know he is going to continue to minimise his behaviour in the belief everything will return to normal. Try to identify your own needs and don't be bullied by him. Flowers

Purplepoodle · 30/10/2014 23:14

Your handling it well. You sound tired of his crap which would make me feel a bit meh about the relationship tbh. Mine got quite a shock when I didn't go running after him with a similar incident. Even more shocked when I told him he was making my life too complicated and that our children were taking most if my energy so when he does grace us with his presence at weekends the last thing I want to do is swing from the lampshade and run around after him like a fourth child. I turned my mobile off as I got the inane texts and told him to ring the house phone if it was something urgent.

Stay strong your doing fab xx

MsIngaFewmarbles · 30/10/2014 23:17

The man is a total penis. How bloody entitled and selfish of him to stay at the house.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/10/2014 23:31

I'm sorry that he's not sorry, only sorry for himself. Arsehole.

YellowTulips · 30/10/2014 23:40

OP tbh I don't think you need advice from this thread - your actions and instincts are spot on.

All I think we can offer collectively is a place to vent and and forum to support.

Really glad you have some solid RL friends.

Trust your judgement - it's been good - and be good to your whole self (not just your nails Wink).

Finally take your time - decisions don't have to be rushed.

Good luck and Thanks for you NCA or rather VCL as you should be named (very classy lady).

Saltedcaramel2014 · 31/10/2014 00:21

I'm glad to hear you're with a good friend tonight. Your explanation to your daughter sounds fair and well-managed. I know how within a relationship things can become accepted /acceptable, it's sometimes hard to see what's ok and what's not. His replies and texts are really quite shockingly awful. Saying he's bored? He clearly has no sense of how much he has hurt you, the damage caused. You deserve acknowledgement of that - absolute bare minimum. And your DC need to see their mother treated with that respect too (or they may very likely end up with men who treat them the same). Hope you sleep ok tonight.

stupidlittlegirl · 31/10/2014 00:45
Flowers
saffronwblue · 31/10/2014 02:30

Enjoy the sleepover. Your friends sound lovely.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/10/2014 04:27

So glad youre with good people. X

Tealady1983 · 31/10/2014 05:31

How you doing this morning op? I really admire the strength and dignity you have shown throughout this whole mess. Stay strong x

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 31/10/2014 06:57

Another bad night's sleep. Partly because dd2 does this thing some nights where she chats to her teddies, sometimes for hours. It's fine in her own room but frustrating if she keeps DD1 and I awake.

I've woken to messages 'give me a chance to make it right'

I haven't replied. I'll have a drink and a shower and then probably reply along the lines of 'ok. Starting now I will have my 36 hours of space. Do not contact me with drivel. I will make child care arrangements for Saturday'

Saturday is important to me and I shall have to curtail my plans from 7 hours down to 2-3. It's hobby related but a long-term one in which I've just taken on a larger role as an organiser. I've organised a drop in day for other hobbyists.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 31/10/2014 07:16

I think, op, that seeing as how he is not listening to you, I'd start going nc. Youve asked for space, he hasn't even considered that!
Don't reply, don't contact him about child care, just do it.
If you contact him (again) to say (again) don't contact me, then you are opening up lines of communication for him to reply to (again).
Just follow your own advice, and give yourself space to think. And him something to think about.

Fluffycloudland77 · 31/10/2014 07:31

Would he be so forgiving if it was you arranging to meet a random man for morning sex?.

lemonpuffbiscuit · 31/10/2014 07:37

Well done OP. The space is good. You both need to reflect

lemonpuffbiscuit · 31/10/2014 07:37

Earplugs if you stay another night

Vintagecrap · 31/10/2014 07:43

I second going no contact. Anything you text or say, no matter how firm, gives him something to reply to, something to argue against, something to try and talk you down from.

You are doing great. Sorry you bad a bad night but I'm pleased you are with friends and have support.

MinginInTheRain · 31/10/2014 07:56

You sound like you know what the right thing to do is. Keep on doing it. Don't let him divert you from your course..

Been said before but you are pretty amazing. Inspirational even. You have very lucky daughters to have you as a strong and level headed mother. Flowers

Ohfourfoxache · 31/10/2014 08:36

It all about him, isn't it?

Not sure about replying - as Vintage says, it opens the opportunity for dialogue. But I don't see how else to get him out of the house over the weekend.

Don't offer to arrange contact - let him ask you, don't push for it.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 31/10/2014 08:38

You need to leave the house and give me the space I asked for. You need to stop minimalising the impact of your actions. You need to stop pretending that this can go away if we just talk and carry on as normal. You need to stop contacting me for a day. You need to call your sister.

I need to clear my head and stop feeling sick. I need to carry on with usual activities with the girls. I need to work out how I feel and talk with my friends and cry on their shoulders. I need the fucking space you want to deny me.

To clarify. I have left you. I might in time and with effort resume our marriage. I (the girls) need the house more than you, but will not come home to play happy families with you there.

I think you should call your sister and have a good cry. I can ask her to call you (without saying why) if you need me to.

After that we can go out and you can see the girls. I'm not going to stop that at all but until you get past phase 1 - get out and acknowledge the situation - I am going to avoid you.

My reply this morning to several messages from him including one where he's asking if the DDs are pumpkin carving, and another offering to have the DDs while I go have some space.

OP posts:
Vintagecrap · 31/10/2014 08:46

Well done op.

I do hope he man's up and sees the situation for what it is..I really do.

curlyweasel · 31/10/2014 08:47

Well that should be the last text now. Either phone him and ask him if he's going to fuck off or not, so you and the girls can go home unmolested, or go NC until he fucks off on his fucking course. Fucking fucker.