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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

876 replies

NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 16:37

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 30/10/2014 17:31

wow. you are doing so well op. i can't believe how laid back he seems about this whole thing. Does he not take you seriously or does he just not care? if someone had caught me doing that id grovellingly apologise and do every single thing they asked immediately - fuck having a bath o trying to get sympathy for having a back ache or that i couldn't concentrate because i was caught out (surely that's his own fucking fault).

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 17:31

I would maybe post in relationships for legal advice. Or get a free 30 min app when he is on course next week.
At least he us going away, so you will get some time then. If you need to hunker down with friends or a hotel till then then do so.

Keeping quiet and not telling anyone is playing into his hands. Shame and embarrassment at the situation is what keeps people in their place. He knows this and this is why he doesn't want you to tell anyone. He also knows they would be on your side and that won't help him with the minimising.

I would also be wary of things escalating, because he is expecting you to back down and is likely to get more and more angry and frustrated when you don't, thar keeping yourself out of the situation is best.

Send him one last message telling him you had asked for space and so will no longer be replying to his texts. And then don't. Ignore them all. You don't have to reply and he knows while you are, whatever it is you are saying to him, you will give in.

ocelot41 · 30/10/2014 17:36

Not much new to add just lots of Thanks

It must be SO hard when someone you love dies something SO disrespectful and hurtful and then... goes and takes a bath. Fuck me, I am flabbergasted.

BrightestBulbinBox · 30/10/2014 17:39

Sorry OP but from what you have written, my take on this is that your DH knows you much better than you him. He doesn't come across as dimwitted at all, and quite good at pushing your buttons and manipulating you.

The laptop sounds careless. Because he's done it so often without you finding out.

Sorry.

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 17:39

Sorry op. I'm just furious on your behalf. And at men that think they can do this. And I've seen it happen so many times to so many wonderful women and children.
And it literally boils my piss.

Of course you have to make your own decision, and it's best not to race that. It took me 3 weeks to decide. I knew the choice was to stay and accept that was how my life was. Or to go. It's a big decision.

So. Again. Forget him and what he needs and wants. Think about your life. And yoir children's life's. And what you want 5 years from now. Or 10. Or if you want to be dealing wit this 20 years down the line.
Get all your ducks in a line and pit yourself first.

Gruntfuttock · 30/10/2014 17:42

I feel OP is waiting for her husband to do something he's never going to do. His attitude is that he's practically daring her to do something about it, because he's certainly not going to. See a solicitor.

Ohfourfoxache · 30/10/2014 17:46

You're right Grunt - his complete arrogance is utterly shocking.

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 17:49

Agreed.

He does not think she means it at all.

notagainffffffffs · 30/10/2014 18:23

Hope youre doing okay NCA. My ex did this too, took 0 responsibility, blamed me, blamed OW, said he was depressed, would speak to relate blah blah fucking blah. Long and short of it was he was fucking another woman. Had done before without me knowing.
Unfortunately for me in my rage I trashed the house and walked out Blush you are doing so so well.
Put yourself first, you are kind and funny and important.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 30/10/2014 18:31

He has done nothing you have asked of him.
Still in the house, taking a fucking bath and txting you about being bored?
If you take your kids to a hotel then what next? How long you gonna stay there?
I don't think he plans to go anywhere. I would not leave my home in this situation. I think you need legal advice tbh.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 30/10/2014 18:43

Well he didn't sag he was bored. But after his bath he didn't know what it do.

I'm at DFriend's house (the ones we met though the army) I have dinner being made for me and the offer of a bed for the night or someone to come home to check he's gone as promised.

OP posts:
DollyDreamboat · 30/10/2014 18:46

What a complete fucking chimp he is Angry Leave for the night. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Although, I don't think my piss is literally boiling, like Vintage Grin

Good luck matey.

LIZS · 30/10/2014 18:46

Glad you've got some RL support on hand.

Stubborncow · 30/10/2014 18:48

Poor love, not knowing what to do!
Glad you have people to help and support you.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2014 18:48

It appears to me from his texts that he has obviously decided that nothing needs to change. That all he needs to do is wait you out at home and talk to you. Unless you're prepared to spent the next fortnight in hotels, I think you'd better take the children to a friend's house and go have it out with him tomorrow.

It's obvious that he's not planning on going anywhere tonight, and probably not voluntarily later. You need to decide what you are going to do. What he's going to do is really irrelevant so telling him to 'think about what he wants' really doesn't mean anything. It's what YOU want that matters because obviously what he wants is the 'status quo'.

Thrholidaysarecoming · 30/10/2014 18:48

Think the fact he is not begging forgiveness and going all out shows that he doesn't think she will kick him to touch. He should be beside him self not being bored. How can you feel bored when your wife has found out you were going to shag some one? She should be shaking like a shitting dog.

The fact that they are both being so detached to what really has/is happened is very tellng. They are both used to this behaviour.

MrsKoala · 30/10/2014 18:53

he doesn't know what to do?! erm fucking LEAVE THE HOUSE YOU TOSSER! sorry, but i'd be just as cross about the the way he's behaving now as i would about the planning to shag someone else. he's not even a bit sorry is he?

daisychain01 · 30/10/2014 18:54

I agree with TheRealAC no way would I relinquish my home in your situation, that's giving him the easy life. You would do best to stay firm, because that gives him the message you do have the upper hand, you are the wronged person, not him.

I am not sure what giving "space" can achieve now, given that he has ignored your wishes. I would be inclined to work towards agreeing a time to talk to him face to face, get to see the whites of his eyes, see how much of a man he really is.

You have done nothing wrong, he is the one who should be on the defensive, if he in any way values your relationship. I can't see what leaving and going to a hotel can do other than prolong the situation further. Maybe it could be a time of reflection for you to clear your head, but, then again, if you have your DC with you, that may not even be possible.

Whatever action you decide to take will be well thought-through, you definitely have a strong and intelligent head on your shoulders. And gorgeous nails Grin

daisychain01 · 30/10/2014 19:00

Oops sorry I didn't type quickly enough, just noticed you are with a friend, which is great, because you have some close adult company to support you. Deep breath, take a rain-check for now and things may start to settle in your mind re. next steps.

Main thing is to eat something and drink water, mundane but really important when your body is under stress, take care of you! x

umbongoumbongo · 30/10/2014 19:14

I'd be furious that he seems so nonchalant about the whole thing. Definitely don't give up the house to him or let him bully you into keeping quiet. He should be grovelling not arsing about texting saying he is bored. He sounds like he has zero respect and thinks he can do what he likes and you will eventually stop being a silly over reactive woman (probably what his view is with his entitled attitude towards you by what you've written) and calm down/put up/shut up. Am very angered on your behalf.

WeirdCatLady · 30/10/2014 19:22

I'm glad someone is looking after you (I know you can take care of yourself but you know what I mean)

He isn't doing himself any favours at all is he?

I can't understand why he is behaving this way, what a tosser. He is digging his own grave. Twat.

You are my absolute girl crush now, as Rhett Butler once said of Scarlet O'Hara "What a woman!"

DoJo · 30/10/2014 19:42

Do you think he's trying to provoke you into 'having it all out' now, on his timetable rather than having to wait until you're ready to discuss it? I can imagine it's not exactly a fun time for him, waiting to see what you will say and do, but is he really so short-sighted as to think that you will be any more inclined to forgive him if he just ignores your requests for space and tries to lure you into conversation with him?

As for not wanting this 'hanging over him', do you think he genuinely believes that this is harder for him than it is for you?

prettywhiteguitar · 30/10/2014 19:53

I'm really sidry this has happened, you sound very capable which is maybe why he's being such a dick.

I think you need to stop txting and have a conversation. Txting is minimising the situation as you're having a normal conversation, such as asking if he has the kindle.

I would be pretty firm saying that you're not having any conversation till he sits down and has a good think. As far as you know he would have cheated on you this weekend and that's what's making you rethink your relationship. When he's thought he can meet you for a conversation but no txting meaningless excuses before that time.

I would also tell him you expect some fucking respect and some fucking remorse as he has been a prize twat

prettywhiteguitar · 30/10/2014 19:54

And yes you are pretty ace as I have been in this situ and didn't act with any of the grace that you have Flowers

TheRealAmandaClarke · 30/10/2014 20:07

He isnt leaving is he?
He is ensuring he is in control. I think he will continue to minimise his behaviour and manipulate the situation. He needs to talk to you and the DDs because it will be harder for you to throw him out if they are there.

This is a man with a history of "severe emotional bullying". Unless he has completed a course to address his abusive behaviour I think it will be very tough for the lovely NCA. That elephant in the room is not to NCA's advantage, its erroneous to think so.
I am so glad you have RL support.