To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

[NameChangeAnon]

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

I agree completely with Vintage's last few posts. It's the typical behaviour of somone who isn't taking ownership of their behaviour. I'm guessing you're the 'strong parent type' in this relationship OP. The coper and the one who sorts most things out and gets most stuff
done. There'll be all kinds of reasons for this but I bet you got landed with the lion's share of the shitwork.

Actually, ignore thst post. It's not helpful to be speculating. Sorry.

I also want to check he is ok. He is my husband and my DDs' father and it's not often he gets called to account. His DF reacts badly to having to account for rudeness etc. so I want to check DH is coping.

There's being respectful, dignified and mature and then there's being a total doormat.

Don't be the latter. You don't deserve that.

Well I feel I must be reading a different thread from the majority of the earilier posters. I agree with whoever wrote 'this is what denial looks like'.

The door would be swinging off it's hinges as he was ejected if it was my house. Your h is taking a bath while you entertain the kids. Strewth.

NCA - FWIW I think you have behaved perfectly and however you have behaved is perfect for you.

You will know if he is acting like he thinks he will get away with his cheating ways.

There has to be consequences and it is up to you what they are.

Just be careful that in being reasonable and kind you are not letting yourself be treated like a fool. You are no door mat.

I think that's because to start with the op was very calm and had a sense of humour about the whole thing.

I think as the thread has gone on and more has come out it seems that it's maybe because of the previous emotional bullying and entitlement/dismissive nature of the husband.

I might go as far as saying the op is a bit scared to make too much of a move or rock the boat as she is worried how he will react, which really shouldn't be the case at all.

I hope you are ok op. I hope you have someone to talk to and that you know you don't have to accept any of this shit.

Jeezo, folks - is there a rule book of "how to deal with your wanker"?

NCA, please yourself. You're answerable to no one.

Totally agree siiiiiiiigh

Hope that's enough 'i's!!

People get baffled when others don't behave in a way they would.

I'd imagine that the heated opinions of 500 strangers can be a bit overwhelming at such a time. I'd switch off the computer too.

I don't think anyone has told the op what to do?.
Other than in the early stages of this thread when the op asked for opion.

I've just tried to get the op to think about her needs. I've not made any comment on how she should go forward from that. .

He keeps texting me. Thank goodness for the Throne Rush guys behaving or I'd begin to suspect that I have no rights to make reasonable requests.

The anger is building. If the car is there when I get home I will drive straight to the Asda in the next town for overnight stuff for me and the DDs. Find a hotel and watch crap tv with the kids. How dare he?

What has he been saying in his texts, op?

NCA, I'm honestly appalled that he's having a bath and texting (presumably to try and get you sweet again with the least possible amount of effort). Have you tried just asking when he'll be out of the house?

(your nails sound fab by the way)

Also could you meet with the friend you talked to on the phone about this? Might help you to stick to your guns if you had some rl support. He really is minimising appallingly

Just read the whole thread. Utter class OP, my hat is off.

Nca. .I'm. Glad the anger is building..
Keep hold of it.
And yes, how dare he. How very dare he.

Could you go to a friends instead of a hotel? Have some wine and a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen?

So very unfair on you.

I didn't think he would leave. Only because I've been through the same myself. And it's so very unbelievable, even though you are being tough and strong and reasonable, they just railroad straight over all of that.

OP said earlier "He knows I MN. He knows what you lot are like (ie lovely, supportive and maybe just a little scary at times). He knows I was MNetting about it all." so he's probably found and read this thread. Probably made him laugh.

I want to be your friend!
You have handled this well.
Nobody can judge how you are feeling - it might be a bit of denial, but it is a huge shock… the fact that you are getting to the anger now is GOOD.
Either he goes or you should but turn your phone off. If you allow him to stay or have constant communication with you it will be like sending a message that you will forgive him, but in reality you don't know that yet.
Good luck

Just read the whole thread. Well done OP.

I frequently wonder how the men who behave like this would react if the situation was reversed and it was their wife who was doing the flirting and cheating. I bet they would think it was a lot more serious then.

The anger is building. If the car is there when I get home I will drive straight to the Asda in the next town for overnight stuff for me and the DDs. Find a hotel and watch crap tv with the kids. How dare he?

Finally

He is taking the piss out of you here, because he knows you're a reasonable person.

But there's a huge difference between reasonable and doormat.

If he won't respect the fact you need space right now, you'll have to find your own space and drum it home to him.

If you can afford a few nights in a hotel, I'd go for it if I were you.

Not much af a punishment is it? He's fine and comfortable at home while his wife and children are in a hotel at the OP's expense. He'd probably think that was hilarious and invite somebody round to keep him company/cook meals/sleep with.

He so reminds me off my ex

I just wanted to say that you are doing amazingly well.

If you do end things don't worry your life will be better without a cheating fuckwit. I divorced several years ago for similar reasons (I actually caught them at it though in my bed whilst my 4 years old ds was asleep, classy or what!). I was very calm (after she'd run off) told him I didn't care and we were through. I gave him 4 weeks to move out, he pleaded etc etc but I had none of it, I didn't even raise my voice which I think really confused him.

I stuck to my guns though and life if now 10000000% better

The gist of the texts are:

DH: I'm do confused. I have backache and a headache. Wot do I do now I'm bored.....

Me: I'm not responsible for you. Read a book. Did you take the kindle?

DH: I haven't left. Need to see you, the DDs. We need to talk

Me: no you need to go and respect my need for space

DH: I have course on Monday. Wow is me how will I concentrate if this is hanging over me until Saturday.

Me: don't care now leave.

DH: can I arrange a relate appointment?

Me: no.

I don't want to "trot out a usual line" but it might be worth contacting a solicitor.

If you stay in a hotel then it leaves your home open for him to do whatever the fuck he wants. Why should you be the one to move out?

I don't know if there is any way that he could be forced to move out (the lovely ladies on the relationship board will no doubt be able to advise), but it is not fair that he should be the one enjoying the comfort of being at home.

Have you though about telling anyone else? Keep the anger going, it will help x