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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

876 replies

NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 16:37

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

OP posts:
Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 12:11

But he didn't respect you with the same treatment you are bestowing on him.

You caught him when he was planning to cheat. You have no idea if he has done this before.

It's just, it's still all about him. You need to think about yourself, how you feel, what you want.

OnlyWantsOne · 30/10/2014 12:12

I think it's perfectly respectable to still care about some one even if they have hurt or damaged you. It doesn't make you weak. My dp is my best friend and when we had a spectacularly bad patch it hurt me to know that he was hurting. OP that doesn't make you weak that makes you compassionate xx

ocelot41 · 30/10/2014 12:16

What Vintage said.

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 12:20

Of course it is respectable to still care. You are human. But you need to keep at the forefront that this man who you care so much about, didn't care about you so much, when 12 hours ago he was planning to go fuck another woman.

It's the unbalance of caring that makes things shit. One person can't do all the caring for the whole family. It needs to be equal.
Op, you can't run around caring while he tramples over everything and then blames you. That way madness lies.

guitarosauras · 30/10/2014 12:23

Ofcourse you care about him, it doesn't stop over night! You love this man, wanting to de ball him but still care about his wellbeing simply means that you are the better, more level headed person.

I think you're pretty awesome NCA.

makeminered · 30/10/2014 12:37

I thought that you may have a chance if he was really repentent, but its not really looking good so far, is it? Keep strong and do what you need to do, unless he changes his tune very, very quickly.

ScarletFever · 30/10/2014 12:42

He is acting like a shit - totally agreed and NCA is a 'Lady' as far as we can see...

however only she knows if deep down the relationship is worth the effort needed to save it, and if she really wants to ...

Reading what you have put about "Whining and blaming lack of sex are both on the bingo card!" sounds like its not a hugely happy place in the first instance.?

I would maybe think about - what would life be without him (without this situ) and if you feel happier at that thought.. then you have your answer?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2014 12:54

I see what you are doing, I approve. You firmly hold all the high cards in this poker game.

The choice to keep him or kick him is yours, and you know it. IMO you are working from a position of strength. You love him, yes, but you also know that you can live without him and be fine. Of course you'll have a wobble now and then, but in the end you will make a decision that is right for you and your DCs.

Itsfab · 30/10/2014 13:10

Sorry to read you have had a bereavement in the family. I agree with you that showing compassion is the way to go. It doesn't stop you feeling hurt, angry, etc for what he has done.

If I can be so bold as to suggest a question to ask him - this could be added to the MN Bingo Card if it takes off - but when he complaining about his sex life with you, ask him how fucking another woman was meant to help that situation. I can hazard a few guesses.

Two wrongs don't make a right. NCA not giving a shit about her husband doesn't change how she feels so if this is how she wants to conduct herself no one has the right to challenge her.

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 13:29

Two wrongs don't make a right at all.
I'm just trying to encourage the op to think about herself and her needs. At the moment it seems very focused on him, what he has done, why, and how he is feeling. Really none of that should be of issue. Ticking stuff on a bingo sheet doesn't make any difference. He still did what he did. He is still coming out with the bullshit script that so many of them follow when they are caught.

It's so easy to get caught up in the game of the while thing. Trying to work out why, trying to get answers, trying to catch them out. I've been there as have so many other women.

I wish someone had sat me down and said ' what do you want. What do you want from a relationship..what qualities and behaviour are important to you'
So I could then think if any of it was what I wanted. If I was ever going to be happy with that man.

Chances are, that when you look at it that way round, being with someone who lies, cheats, disrespects and then dismisses your feelings, isn't something you want.

Gruntfuttock · 30/10/2014 13:40

Regarding the assertion that the choice of whether to end the marriage is the OP's, that's not strictly true is it? Her husband could just as well spend these few days thinking about whether he is happy to continue in the marriage as well. There's no guarantee that both parties are going to come to the same conclusion when they decide what they want for the future.

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 14:06

This is true.

There is always the assumption that he is going to beg to be taken back, which isn't happening right now anyway.

However, he could just as well decide that he wants to walk.

This is why the op needs to think about her needs. Get her feelings and what she does and doesn't want in her life , to the forefront.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 30/10/2014 14:15

I've told him to have a good think and let me know what he wants to do. I will do the same. He might want me and me not want him back. This is a very real possibility. Especially as he's texting asking who I've told and is messing about at home having a bath. Poor love has a headache as well.

I've told him I am not impressed with his contacting me when I asked for time off. I'm not impressed that he hasn't left. I've told him that his emails are my truth, and I can tell my truth to whomever I please. I've told him to get out, respect my need for space and to stop being melodramatic.

OP posts:
Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 14:29

His actions show he isn't taking anything you say seriously though, don't they.

He is expecting you to back down.

Which shows a total lack of respect for you as a person, that not only can he disregard you when he was planning what he was, but now when dealing with the aftermath, he can't even put you first or take you seriously.

It's shit behaviour from him.
And again, no blame at you, have been there.... highlight being when I was offered a takeaway to make up for the secret email account I found that was full of incriminating stuff.

Op I don't expect he is going to leave. I don't think you are going to get your two days of space to think it through. .

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 30/10/2014 14:37

I'm not really understanding why he isn't out with the kids all day while you are at home having a bath and thinking about what it is that you want.
He's a cheat, an emotional bully (2005) and really quite stupid (laptop). He minimises, tries to deflect blame and ignores your direct request for peace from him today.
He's acting like a man who knows full well that he's going to get away with this

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 30/10/2014 14:38

X post Vintage.

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 14:47

I agree.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 30/10/2014 14:47

Is 'why should I leave...it's my house too' on the bingo card?

Also want to say, OP, you are AMAZING and I love your nails.

Gruntfuttock · 30/10/2014 14:54

IMO there's nothing to stop him continuing to flirt - or more - with other women, except that he'll just be a lot more careful not to be caught, in future. He has the opportunity (being away a lot) plus the inclination. It's awful. I'm so sorry for you OP. Of course, I sincerely hope that I'm completely wrong and he'll never do anything like this ever again.

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 15:01

It's very possible he has done this before too and this is the first time he has been caught.

tiredvommachine · 30/10/2014 15:04

What a douch bag Angry

Gruntfuttock · 30/10/2014 15:07

Agreed, Vintage

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 15:14

It's the entitled behaviour that gives it away a bit.

A 'mistake' an ' error in judgemnent' a ' drunken accident' one off type things, usually leave the cheater winded too and desperate to put things right. They are usually full of remorse, trying to put things right, doing what ever they can.

This isn't what is happening here at all.

This man is acting like it's nothing and like it is all going to blow over, probably because he has got away with it in the past.

Vintagecrap · 30/10/2014 15:15

I'm sorry op.

LoopyLoopyLoopy · 30/10/2014 15:33

Great reaction.

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