To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

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Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

You need answers. How did he meet her? How did he think he would get away with it? Has it happened before? How does he think it made you feel? What would he do if he were you now?

Only when you are confident he is truly regretful, realises he truly cocked up big time, that he has really realised what he was about to lose and you are condident that he won't repeat this behaviour, then you could possibly move on and have a marriage. The onus is now on him to win you back.

Keep being calm, though keep hold of that nugget of anger to make him work to save the marriage. You are doing awesome, but yes all sorts of emotions will hit you. Time will tell whether you want to let him stay or not.

I wish lots of other women in your situation had half the courage and self respect that you do.

So make sure you see what he writes to the ow, just for her sake, it sounds like she is a victim in this too.

If the issue in 2005 was a similar one, he's a 'repeat offender' which is so much worse. Tbh I think starting a thread in Relationships would be a good idea.

X post. He's not doing a very godd job of winning you back so far, is he?

Not to dismiss my feelings but, because he didn't mean to make me feel that way and I'm silly for thinking he might have done it on purpose.

Well that would be totally dismissing your feelings, because he absolutely did it on purpose.

It's not like he was just sitting at his desk, minding his own business and thinking of Christmas and then WHOOPS from out of nowhere, somehow arranged some extra marital sex for himself by accident!!

Hi OP just caught up with this.

You sound fab.

If he says you are silly ask him what he thinks he is. Tell him to take a good look around at his home, you and his daughters and ask him if it was worth loosing it all for a 'fantasy' shag?

Not to dismiss my feelings but, because he didn't mean to make me feel that way and I'm silly for thinking he might have done it on purpose.

Oh NCA, this is no accident :( he willingly went out of his way to email another woman about sex and meeting up.

What next, "Don't be silly, I slipped and my cock slid straight up her Vag/arse/into her gob".

Don't take his shit OP. Expect him to grovel before he is even allowed to so much as LOOK at you without your permission.

You may have mentioned this already but I wondered what happened in 2005?

Asking him to leave the marriage if he's unhappy sounds a good move.

Make the bingo card & show him. It might shock him enough to have an honest conversation.
Btw I stayed - it was 12 years ago now & it is better. I realised that he really was v emotionally immature & we were going through a tough time with kids. I'm sorry but the military ones tend to be as well which is why I didn't marry mine. My dh grew up.
Best wishes with whatever you decide.

He didn't have to reply to any of her messages. He didn't have to kiss her back. He chose to interact. He could have just ignored her

He's going until Sat am when he needs to come back so that I can go out. I offered to make alternate arrangements if he didn't thin he could.

I told he can consider us to be separated and himself single. He's to think about what he wants. If it's us then he can come back and ask what I want.

He can tell her the truth (dating website) so she know that it is him, not her.

I've told a friend who wants to eviscerate him for me I had a good sob on the phone. Now I'm off out for the day as planned. Kids can run around and I can do my hobbies. The sound of the playzone will kill off any thinking.

Is it evident from the conversation who initiated it ? I gather he has previous after 1 year of marriage :(

Not an affair LIZS, just extreme emotional bullying. My friend and my parents know all about it.

I think if he goes ahead with the visit now that he is "single" will be the final nail in the coffin. Will you know if he has?

Stay strong. Don't be swayed into staying with him through guilt, feeling sorry for him etc, unless you really want to for your own sake.

I reckon he'll meet up with her now, because you're 'on a break', and then come crawling back.

Oh nca, I feel for you.

I think you that the writing is on the wall really. How could you ever trust him after this.

I had a now, ex husband, forces too. Who used to trawl dating sites for a bit of 'fun' when he was away. Or, that was the line I was spun. Bullshit of course.

It's horrible when something so life changing is forced upon you, that you have little control over. However you are doing great. Get angry. Don't let that numb feeling take over. And there is no shame in not having a grip in moments like this.
I know from when I suffered emotional abuse I was left feeling like a husk and that I wasn't really allowed to show or even have feelings. That I just had to be a robot and keep going. And because you said there has been previous emotional abuse and how calm you have been I wonder if that's the case a bit here.

Nothing to say other than I hope things work out they way YOU want them to.

It's good that you have a break away from him and time to process what has happened. Look after yourself, eat, try to sleep and let friends help you

He knows if he does anything other than hang around waiting for me to drop crumbs of acknowledgement of his existence then he'll be gone for good.

I don't care (well obviously I do) what he does next. I've told him to consider us officially separated; he can fuck whoever will have him. I want all day today and tomorrow to have my own space. He should also think about what he wants in that time. Then we can start to sort out all the stuff.

I really didn't want to be a single parent but if I have to be I'll sort it. I'm currently a SAHM living in our mortgaged house. I have some investments, but the building work has cleared all of our cash savings. He has a military pension which I can claim on.

First thing: Stay calm (check) and carry on (DDs are in the swimming pool - check)

Sending you my thoughts NCA

OP its really horrible that you have had to read all that but I think you do need to stop and think what YOU really want to happen now. Its not all about him at all. You have children with this man, divorce and splitting up is not actually easier for you or them than couples counselling and/or working through a proposed infidelity. They are both fucking hard routes now. Yes be angry that he has put your family in this position but don't lose sight of the fact that he is going to be a part of your kids future whatever else happens.

I am NOT excusing what he has done at all but just from the other perspective I think you probably need to know that plenty of us who have found ourselves in the murky world of internet dating have been all set and ready to meet an interesting bloke whom we have been flirting with over messages and on the day they just don't turn up because it turns out they are married after all and really were just having a bit of a fantasy. Lots of blokes do that and never follow it through. Your husband may be a twat but he hasn't actually cheated on you. We all have sexual fantasies in our heads, I am guessing your bloke just may not have much of an imagination so needed someone else to supply the words for the woman's role! Doesn't mean he was ever going to act on it.

No one sets out wanting to be a single parent.
Sometimes stuff can be sorted out and sometimes it just can't.

But, you are a forces wife and a nurse which means you are pretty much indestructible. You don't have to immediately worry about housing as you aren't living on the patch, which is a plus.

And, you have time to think about what you want. What you want for a relationship for the rest if your life. What you want as role models for your children.

It's not an easy decision and don't feel raced. If you haven't decided in two days, that's fine..Equally if you do decide to stick with him, doesn't mean you can't later decide that no, you want out.

Think you're doing really well and fantastic about telling your friend x

"He knows if he does anything other than hang around waiting for me to drop crumbs of acknowledgement of his existence then he'll be gone for good."

But how will you know? As he's away so much he could be getting up to all sorts of things? He could've been meeting with women for years. Sorry, but I'm genuinely confused as to your certainty that he's never done more than fantasise. He's obviously not going to confess to more than you already know.

OP you're handling this with real aplomb. Just one word of warning, I tend to react the same when the shit hits the fan - go into pragmatic mode, deflect with humour - but about 6 months on when the dust has settled it all comes out then. It's almost like I go into survival mode then deal with fallout when the immediate "danger" has passed. Make sure you have good people around you if that's the case with you too.

Your husband may be a twat but he hasn't actually cheated on you. We all have sexual fantasies in our heads, I am guessing your bloke just may not have much of an imagination so needed someone else to supply the words for the woman's role! Doesn't mean he was ever going to act on it.

It doesn't mean he wasn't going to act on it either. It looks more like he was than he wasn't.

This would be too much for me, I'm afraid, and I would be even more shocked if a partner tried to minimize it, or suggested it was being silly to be hurt by it.