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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

876 replies

NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 16:37

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

OP posts:
Itsfab · 29/10/2014 20:16

You sound so cool and in control at the moment. Be careful. He needs to suffer. Don't be so adrenalin filled now that in the morning or next week you let it go. You are bound to have a crash and feel like a dishrag. I am worried you are too cool.

Boredinchippenham · 29/10/2014 20:17

Did he seem remorseful ? I hope so , I hope it all works out the way you want , you deserve better ( don't we all ) Thanks

AllOutOfNaiceHam · 29/10/2014 20:18

Wow. Nicely handled. Flowers

RedPony · 29/10/2014 20:19

Oh I'm so sorry op :( sound like he has a he'll of alot of making up to do. Have some Flowers and Wine

Mammanat222 · 29/10/2014 20:22

Gosh, you've had a rotten few hours NCA.

I think you are coping fantastically BUT don't do him any favours. IE I assume he doesn't want his parents to know which is fine as long as you're OK with it, if not then pack his bag and send him on his merry way.

You call the shots

Honestly I become more disappointed in men every day!

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 20:22

Yeah I'm worried I'm a bit cool. Do I not care for the relationship? I don't want him to go and I'm trying to pinpoint why.

Maybe the fact there's no easy reason is a good thing? It's not for the kids. It's not for the financial security. It's not 'coz I luvs 'im, please staaaaay!

Maybe it's shock and I'll wake up angry or upset. It's happened that way for me before after I've dealt with a crisi.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 29/10/2014 20:22

Lucky, twosmallones?

NCA hasn't forgiven him and let him back into her bed.

Zebraface · 29/10/2014 20:23

Sorry you are having to deal with this OPOP but you are being so calm....awesome.

Def option A,they have to know you know....make it very direct.

I am just Halloween Shock

OnlyWantsOne · 29/10/2014 20:24

You probably feel that way because this has been vaulted onto you and you're not to blame but will blow your world apart

Coconutty · 29/10/2014 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ashtrayheart · 29/10/2014 20:30

You being so cool is probably freaking him out however! So bide your time you don't need to decide what to do just yet.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 20:30

I didn't take twosmallones comment to be anything other than he was lucky I'm prepared to do anything than cut his nuts off.

I'm going to have to seriously rethink my life. I'm not going to start shagging him to keep him. That's not right for me, or right with the universe I'd like to live in. Perhaps I need to offer to let him go if he's unhappy with the way things are.

OP posts:
WhereTheWildlingsAre · 29/10/2014 20:31

Coconutty is right, you are in shock and it will hit you. My experience is that you are about to ride a tidal wave of emotions in the near future. As long as you realise that and take each phase as it comes, you will be fine.

But do expect to crash at some point. that's when you need the real life support.

MrsJuice · 29/10/2014 20:33

Another member of the 'sparkly fingernail fan club' here OP.
I wish I'd handled the infidelity of my ex-H with a fraction of your strength.
Onwards and upwards.

OnlyWantsOne · 29/10/2014 20:35

If it were me, I'd kick him out and see where it goes.

umbongoumbongo · 29/10/2014 20:35

Wow; good luck OP with whatever you decide. Definitely agree with others to make sure you have RL friends around for after the adrenaline rush x

ZenNudist · 29/10/2014 20:46

It's a shame not to let her know you exist. Might put her off !

As for him he sounds like a peach. It's not an easy thing to deal with and I can understand why you're not just kicking him out. That said its pretty low to make plans to cheat. A stay at his parents is the bare minimum punishment.

What happened in 2005?

LIZS · 29/10/2014 20:49

It's a shame not to let her know you exist. Might put her off ! It isn't really about her though is it? The test is how her h decides to handle things. OP could stand over while he writes a farewell email but that would be a hollow victory. What about when the next opportunity for flirtation , or more, comes along ?

Littlegreyauditor · 29/10/2014 20:53

Wow. You are a little bit of a legend OP, I am in total awe of your chilly efficiency. I bet your git H is fairly freaked out and wrong footed by it. Good.

Look after yourself though, because the ice/swan thing can be exhausting.Cake

Itsfab · 29/10/2014 20:56

Would be telling if he goes to his parents or to her. She of course probably isn't wanting that given they haven't met? Shagged?

suthers · 29/10/2014 21:02

OP I am a long time lurker and very rarely post but just wanted to say I'm in awe of your courageous behaviour. Wishing you sustaining thoughts with whatever you decide to do Flowers

Neeko · 29/10/2014 21:09

wow, op! Hope you get things sorted in a way that makes you happy. Take care of yourself.

goshhhhhh · 29/10/2014 21:10

Have been watching & unlurking. I'm a bit of a cool cucumber in a crisis as well. (ex mgs so maybe why)
His answer to that question will tell you loads & whether he is would invest in your relationship. Your reaction to his answer might also help you decide what you want.

goshhhhhh · 29/10/2014 21:11

Meant ex nhs!

loopymoomoo · 29/10/2014 21:12

Oh my god op, just read the whole thread- you're incredible, I would have seriously injured DH and sent vile messages to ow by now... But then my marriage would then have no chance of survival and yours does because of your actions. Take the time to figure out exactly what it is you want and make sure he knows you are in charge of this situation not him! Good luck!!Thanks