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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
JulyKit · 28/10/2014 23:24

Bowlersarm - yeah, I think it's really important that couples consider each other's feelings and discus what's best for each other. And there are some situations where one person's needs override those of the other. I believe that birth is one of them - and funnily enough I believe that the rights of the person giving birth are paramount at that time. Perhaps you should read some of the posts above, from posters whose partners have discussed what's best for them when giving birth. Perhaps then you can think a bit about what can constitute a 'loving relationship'.

vest where do you get the idea that men have a general right to attend births and that the only 'exceptions' to this are when they've been abusive?

starling, so that's your situation. It doesn't mean that women who don't want their partners present at birth regard said partners as 'sperm donors'. So, no, your last post wasn't 'helpful' in that respect.

vest if posters choose to treat someone who's questioned that all fathers have an inalienable right to attend their children's births, regardless of the mother's feelings, then I'm happy to keep right on saying what I have to say. if you feel hurt at being treated 'condescendingly', that's too bad for you, but not my problem.

2minsofyourtime · 28/10/2014 23:24

I was so stressed about who was going to look after ds1 when I went into labour and whether they would get to me in time (1st birth was quick) I ended up being induced and I'm convince that my body was too stressed to release the hormones needed.

i had loads of different plans in my head. As its turns out I needed surgery after birth, so dp looked after the baby for about 4 hours. Really glad he was there, not sure what would have happened otherwise.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 23:24

I will report some posts here as absolutely vile.

Hope you are ok op and obviously whatever you choose will be fine.

Marmite as a complete atheist with 4 children I would have converted to your religion to have women surrounding me and taking over the cooking/cleaning and stopping hoards of visitors when I was trying to breast feed while coping with older kids. And my dh had no paternity leave as SE.

Honestly sounds wonderful.

vestandknickers · 28/10/2014 23:27

This reply has been deleted

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MagicMojito · 28/10/2014 23:28

I was terrified of leaving dd1 during the birth of dd2 but I know I wouldn't have coped without dh there to support me. I also know without a shadow of a doubt that even if dh was desperate to be at the birth he would have done whatever made me more comfortable and not made an issue out of it either.

purplefeathers · 28/10/2014 23:29

I agree with July.

I'd be interests to see how different the responses to this question might be if it were posted on the fwr board. I'm guessing the responses might be more supportive.

I'm surprised at the amount of yabus, and appalled at the suggestions that the op doesn't care about her dh Hmm

Pyjamaramadrama · 28/10/2014 23:29

Technically he doesn't have the right no. And if he was a horrible ex or a useless partner I'd say yanbu.

But in your situation I think it would be cruel to stop him from being there.

Your ds will be absolutely fine with his grandparents, you can tell them his routine, I'm sure they will give him lots of love and attention. He's only 1 he won't even remember. I understand how you feel he's still a baby but I think you'll look back when he's 5 or 6 and regret it and think you were silly.

Your dh on the other hand may be very upset at missing seeing the new baby arrive.

inabeautifulplace · 28/10/2014 23:29

I suspect that had your DH talked about his need to help, his desire to be there for the new arrival rather than his rights then you would have sorted it out easily. Either way.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 23:30

I wasn't insulting your religion btw just saying that I think we are now do bloody eager to push out the baby and get back to normal we actually have forgotten that giving birth is actually a big fucking deal and wen should be treated like princesses and not pushed home as soon as the placenta is out and then it's back to normal.

MagicMojito · 28/10/2014 23:31

Thanks for the Wine
clearly I need something to calm me down Blush Grin

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 23:32

Iggi RTFT. Plenty of 'twattish wee comments' telling OP she should put her husband's feelings before her own.
The title question of the thread was about whether men have 'a right' to attend their children's births. They don't.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 23:32

Presumably both partners will have discussed this before the birth and come to a good conclusion so won't need escorting off the premises. Op you do what you and your dp feel is right.

purplefeathers · 28/10/2014 23:32

It didn't read as insulting thebody.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 23:33

Julykit, you seem to be having some reading comprehension issues. My post to you was in response to your comment about having DPs present as advocates, nothing to do with my earlier comment about partners as sperm donors. HTH.

Do try to keep up. I know it's late and it's a long thread, but still.

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 23:33

vest Grin

Bless you, love. Biscuit

Iggi999 · 28/10/2014 23:33
porgie80 · 28/10/2014 23:36

OP- how would you feel if your DH said he didn't want to be at the birth of his child?! If my DH even suggested it he would be given his marching orders!

MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 28/10/2014 23:36

Ahem

Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2014 23:41

Stripylikeatiger very glad you are feeling more comfortable about ds. When my dd was born I had a c-section and she had to go to scbu. I made dh promise to go and stay with her all the time and just stayed behind on the table for the next phase! I was so glad to have my dh there. Although technically neither of us 'saw' the birth.

Whatever happens I really hope it all goes well and your ds is fine and happy and gets into his role of 'big brother' very soon.

Marmite I am fascinated to read about the new baby experience from your church's perspective. Can I be nosy and ask what denomination you are, please? Please ignore me if you wish (or PM me if you like), I have never heard of it.

BringMeTea · 28/10/2014 23:45

No one, not even the father, has the RIGHT to attend a birth. Absolutely NOT.

OP I am happy you are feeling better about your situation. Good luck.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 23:46

purple thanks you just never know.

Olivia was tempted to report but that makes one sound head girl ish. Smile and pot kettle etc.

Look women are in charge of their births in theory. Well at least to the point of telling non medical onlookers to fuck off.

The needs of the child you know and love is perhaps more to the forefront of your mind then the baby you have yet up meet.

Men don't see the birth of their children all of the time. Absolutely no correlation with bonding.

Otherwise all us 1960s babies would have crap dads.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/10/2014 23:46

Marmite is your husband not able to look after himself? Surely it's not a religious requirement that he doesn't do things for himself, just a custom.
What do you mean by intimately separate? If you mean sexually I think most people wait a lot longer than 2 weeks anyway! You are allowed to wait longer if you want to yes? What bearing does the gender of the baby have on this? Does sleeping in separate rooms mean he doesn't look after the baby at night at all?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/10/2014 23:48

I get that this thread has moved on quite a bit the op has reconsidered a bit and been reassured about her 1yo being looked after by PIL and has moved into more general dads at births discussion.

I've read through this thread and I'm bemused by how far away from protecting women we have come. The vast majority of women during labor are vulnerable that usually goes without needing to be said its one of the reasons why many women feel they need a birthing partner.

Lots of women may feel that their perfect birthing partner is the father,many wont for what ever reason,who are we to judge or condemn that? Who the fuck do we think we are to have any say at all over what is a good enough reason or not.

What we think should have fuck all to do with it. The only person whose views count are the actual woman giving birth.

Have we really come to a point in society where a mans desire to view a baby being born should hold more weight than the woman giving birth?

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 23:48

Starling if you wish to have DP present as an advocate or have been advised to do so, I've no issue with that - and never said I did. Why would I? That would be as bizarre as telling OP that her OP has a 'right' to attend the birth.

I'm not going to resort to suggesting you have 'reading comprehension issues' because that would be pathetic but still... I think you might have got a bit confused.

FyreFly · 28/10/2014 23:48

Look, some women want to be alone when giving birth. Some will only want loved ones. Some will only want medical professionals. Some will want the entire extended family and hospital team (including janitor) gathered round with photographers on hand, a buffet and a mariachi band in the corner.

When you're pushing something the size of a small watermelon out of you, you can have what you bloody well want.

I can see both sides, but when giving birth, what the soon-to-be-mother wants goes. The father might not like it, but if his presence would cause any additional stess (and even loving partners can add to stress in the delivery room if they start panicking or faffing about - I don't know how Robbie Williams wasn't beaten into a bloody pulp) on the mother then they stay out until the baby comes out. If the mother's fine with the father in there then there's no problem.

Every woman and every family will be very different in their wants and needs, especially at such a vulnerable time for the mother. Could we all remember that and stop calling each other vile twats?