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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 23:50

And added to itsbetter questions- marmite are you not allowed downstairs for 30 days after the birth?

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 23:51

purple post at 23:20 spot on. Agree totally.

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 23:53

Great post Fyrefly. Thanks

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 23:54

This reply has been deleted

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/10/2014 23:54

Advocates during the birth are usually called birthing partners, no matter what medical issue you have nobody but nobody not even the consultant has the right to demand you use a particular person nor even use one if you don't want to (standard exemption for court ordered stuff) they can advise you to use one they can assume it will be your DP/mum/sister but you can choose anybody you want who is willing even if a consultant assumes it will be the dad.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 23:55

Joke joke Wink

FyreFly · 28/10/2014 23:56

Thebody I'd have settled for him quietly twitching on the floor after a hormone-fuelled pummelling Wink

I felt so sorry for his poor wife. Especially when he was singing Frozen.

cluttercluttereverywhere · 28/10/2014 23:56

OP, you sound lovely and you have your head screwed on the right way. Best of luck with the birth.

On another level - I am horrified by some of the posts on this thread. Some posters really should be ashamed of themselves.

ByTheWishingWell · 29/10/2014 00:02

Everything Fyrefly said.

And OP, if you want your DP there, then go for it. I can entirely understand where you're coming from (I'm very PFB myself!) but your DS will honestly be fine. His grandparents will spoil him rotten, and he won't remember any of it. Congratulations and good luck Thanks

fatlazymummy · 29/10/2014 00:12

Of course fathers don't have the 'right' to be present at the birth, and nor should they. Equally, the mother can't force the father to be present if he doesn't want to be ,either.
Some people seem to think it's obligatory when it isn't at all. It's just an option.
Hope it works out for you OP Smile

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 29/10/2014 00:19

Well done Fyre great posts.

Singing frozen should be classed as torture as my term dds sing the songs repeatedly. Angry

wishing yes agree too.

Op hope all is amazing for you love and ignore the minority strange ones on here.
Twill all be fine. Thanks

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 29/10/2014 00:20

Teen not term!!'

That would be a stealth boast indeed. Grin

plinkyplonks · 29/10/2014 02:26

YABU - it seems a bit cruel to shut out your DP when he clearly wants to be there.

baskingseals · 29/10/2014 02:51

YANBU. What you want is the most important thing here. I think it is a tricky one because you do want your dh with you, but you are worried about your son. Could you talk to him about your feelings and see if you can come up with a solution that is better for you both?
Hope all goes well for you.

my2centsis · 29/10/2014 03:02

Havnt read more then the first page.
I think YABVU. Think if the rolls were reversed and you were excited for the birth of your second baby and then our denied access. Your other cd will soon forget who looked after him but your dh will always remember the birth of his child he will also always remember if you deny him that special moment.

Pls don't do that to your dh op. Your cd will be fine, your ILS love him. Maybe start getting then to spend some time with them now before you go into labour??

Goodluck

bushey1975 · 29/10/2014 03:35

You're absolutely right to be considering the needs of child number 1 over your husband. I totally understand your reasons and WOULD do EXACTLY THE SAME. Xx

FoxgloveFairy · 29/10/2014 04:14

No op, he doesn't actually have a right to be there. I can't understand why you wouldn't want him though. If your child has grandparents that can look after him, I cannot see any reason why that shouldn't happen unless you have legit doubts about their capabilities. They are not going to get to know him or his routines if you don't let them. I think you need to loosen up a bit. Your husband is the baby's father, parent, not hired help to be delegated your choice of chores. I can understand him feeling angry and extremely hurt. This is not just a significant event in your life, it is in his too. You are excluding him from that for no obvious good reason.

textingdisaster · 29/10/2014 06:32

I completely agree with NeedsAsockamnesty (what kind of amnesty?):

What we think should have fuck all to do with it. The only person whose views count are the actual woman giving birth.

Have we really come to a point in society where a mans desire to view a baby being born should hold more weight than the woman giving birth?

This, in spades.

When baby is out in the world then of course Dad wants to be the first there. Until that point, the mother to be has total control over her own body and she decides who, if anyone, she wants as support in the delivery room. No one has the right to be there. She is not an incubator or vessel or property of her partner/husband, but a person with her own right to absolute privacy Angry.

Good luck with your baby's birth OP Smile (I haven't read the whole thread but I gather that you have come to a resolution that you are happy with).

MrsCampbellBlack · 29/10/2014 06:39

DH wasn't at the birth of my second DC. It happened a little unexpectedly on Boxing Day - by the time the in laws were on their way (4 hours away) it was too late.

For me it was more important that DH was with DC1 who was 3 at the time. DH was fine with it and the staff were all very lovely to me.

I do think that you as the person giving birth are the most important person in this situation.

ILovePud · 29/10/2014 06:45

Agree whole heartedly with FogloveFairy. A father doesn't have the RIGHT to be at the birth but this seems to be more of an issue with you wanting him home with your DC rather than not wanting him at the birth. This issue, I think, it is a joint decision for you as parents. Hope you can work this out.

Iggi999 · 29/10/2014 07:03

Bushey - "You're absolutely right to be considering the needs of child number 1 over your husband." Does it not make a difference to you that we are talking about a day that won't even be remembered by child 1, as opposed to a day that would stay with the dad forever? I absolutely prioritise my dcs over my dh (so would he) but that doesn't mean that every hour their wishes come first.

Textingdisaster, the dh won't be able to see the baby as soon as it's born either. There is no-one other than pil to leave him with so the dad will need to wait till general visiting (when you can being siblings in) rather than being at her bedside. It's not an instance of not wanting someone to be present at the birth, it's about not wanting that person to be away from the first child.

Iggi999 · 29/10/2014 07:04

Hope it all works out well for you OP - as you say, might all happen in nursery time!

differentnameforthis · 29/10/2014 07:08

I think you need to be aware that if you purposefully exclude your dh, it could build resentment.

LePetitMarseillais · 29/10/2014 07:13

Blimey you're going to have a shock when baby arrives as pfb is going to be enduring an awful lot of upset routines and things not to his liking.

You're excluding a person from the birth of his child not because he is an abuser but because of other far more trivial issues and you sound a tad controlling.You're denying him a say as regards both children.He is their parent.

My poor 14 month old twins were dumped on their grandparents when I had dd having never been from my side.The first time they saw me after I was holding a new baby.Funnily enough they survived and haven't been emotionally damaged.

First world problem or what.There are children and labouring women suffering real problems every minute of every day around the world.Think you need a reality check,sorry.

LePetitMarseillais · 29/10/2014 07:18

Also given that nursery isn't recommended for under 2sI would have thought he'd suffer more stress being left at nursery than a one off few hours with grandparents.Millions of babies are left at nursery and survive,millions of babies are left briefly when siblings are born.Both survive.