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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2014 22:43

Op, as your dc is at nursery would he be happier if you hired his favourite nursery teacher to babysit him? Might not sit well with the in laws, but thought I'd throw it out there.

floatyflo · 28/10/2014 22:44

banning him from the hospital as some suggested is unacceptable.

Meh. Not putting out for your husband was unacceptable 50 years ago. Glad times have changed!

Bowlersarm · 28/10/2014 22:47

You sound very reasonable op, glad you've been reassured.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 22:48

I have severe SPD and the medically trained staff (consultant etc) have specifically said that my DP should act as my advocate when I'm giving birth to make sure each of the medically trained staff who assist at the birth are aware of my mobility limitations, especially during midwife handovers or if there is an emergency, to ensure that I get continuity of care, as mistakes do happen and things can be missed. Hope that helps, JulyKit.

merrymouse · 28/10/2014 22:50

please erasure me that pfb won't be damaged by being left with people he doesn't really know for a night or two

Yes, he will be fine. Not sure how far you are from the hospital, but if labour is going on for a long time it is likely that your DH can pop backwards and forwards. You might have a quick labour and only be away for a few hours.

My second labour with DD was between 10pm and 1am. My mum arrived at about 11pm to look after DS. We went to hospital, I had DD and DH was back home by 4. DS was completely oblivious to the whole thing.

bopoityboo3 · 28/10/2014 22:52

floatyflo just stating how I'd have felt as a kid if my dad had been kept away from my birth for this reason. Lots of kids probably wouldn't care but I would have. massive middle child complex as a kid

Kytti · 28/10/2014 22:54

You don't sound like you care about your oh very much. You're being really PFB and extremely U.

I think you need to re-evaluate if you care about your husband at all. How awful.

No - he doesn't have 'the right', but you are being very mean.

Marmiteandjamislush · 28/10/2014 22:55

itsbetter We are Orthodox (Torah Submissive) Christians, so men do not attend birth due to modesty. It is also a time for the woman and the husband is not key to the process of birth, though he may enter as soon as his wive is happy for him to do so, usually after the first feed. Though we remain intimately separate for 1-2 weeks depending on baby's gender, we sleep in separate rooms. Women from the church take over domestic duties for a period of 30 days to allow rest and bonding after birth. They also receive and feed visitors, who are taken upstairs (women) usually in pairs to visit mother and baby. Older children, under the age of 10, may come and go freely to be with their mother and sibling. Men are entertained downstairs with food and drink and they pray for the new baby and the family and learn the role of father from the scripture and each other.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 22:55

It's not nice banning your dp from the hospital, he is meant to be your dp not a toxic relative. He will want to see the baby when it is born.

merrymouse · 28/10/2014 22:55

Please see 22.43 post from Stripy.

Thread has moved on.

purplefeathers · 28/10/2014 22:56

Fathers don't have a 'right' to be the birth. I don't believe it will ruin the bond between father and child and nor do i believe that it will ruin the relationship between a dh and dw. Some of these responses are very dramatic and.judgmental!

My dh wants to support me in any way he can during my labour and if that means taking care of our existing dcs then that's what he'll do. If he doesn't attend the birth it won't be because he's banned.

Op, if you want your dh with you then please be reassured that your ds will be fine. You're also making the presumption that you'll be labouring overnight when that may not be the case. It could all happen during the day in which case your dh will be home for ds' bedtime even if you're not.

Food luck Smile

purplefeathers · 28/10/2014 22:59

Ahem, that would be good luck!

Always thinking about food! Grin

Marmiteandjamislush · 28/10/2014 23:00

Kytti What a vile post! Op clearly cares about her family, she doesn't want to leave DC1 and she thinks DH is the best person to stay with him. This shows his value to her as a father. Welcoming a second baby is a difficult time. You do feel a bit guilty with small gaps and it's hard not to feel you are neglecting the older baby, so your decisions are not always rational but that doesn't make them less valid. OP's birth OP's way.

ScreamEggsAndHam · 28/10/2014 23:04

Oh Christ. Barely managed to keep track of your rambling OP. Why's your godparent there as birth partner as default? Why are you having babies with men you clearly don;t want at the birth?! Confused
Have babies with people you want to be parents and there for you in labour. Not rocket science!

floatyflo · 28/10/2014 23:08

ScreamEggs Feel better for that?!

Iggi999 · 28/10/2014 23:08

This reply has been deleted

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LittleBearPad · 28/10/2014 23:08

Iggi it's current practice in hospitals that births are attended by medically trained staff who are able to observe and respond to the needs of women giving birth. It's really not necessary for husbands to attend to 'speak up' for wifey. So you can lose that little worry. HTH

Well when I was giving birth to DD I did need my DH to speak up for me as the Doctor didn't give a toss about listening to me.

Good luck OP. I hope it all works out for you. Your DS will be ok with his GPs honestly if that's the route you go down.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 23:09

Well said, Iggi.

purplefeathers · 28/10/2014 23:10

A lot of the posts on here are quite vile marmite.

I personally prefer to be surrounded by women during my labours. It's a very personal thing. If there's one time a woman is entitled to be 'selfish' (for want of a better word) it's during labour. She has to feel comfortable, confident and empowered. And as a pp pointed out, sometimes the husband's presence (even a loving non-abusive one) can actually hinder the progression of labour. No one can tell anyone else what they ought to do based on what they would do.

DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 23:10

Why's your godparent there as birth partner as default?

Grin get it right!

Why are you having babies with men you clearly don;t want at the birth
She wants her DH there. I believe he is the child's father.

merrymouse · 28/10/2014 23:12

Goodluck OP! Labour might even be a calm zen like experience compared to this thread Grin

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 23:14

Er yes think that's established really.

Of course a esm in labour can choose who she wants at her birth ( snigger as a multitude of medical students turn up at dc3 s birth)

However it's not a battle surely. Calm and quiet is best and up to mum.

MagicMojito · 28/10/2014 23:14

Jesus Fucking christ this thread is unbelievable Shock Shock Angry

OP ya soooooo nbu Angry

Yes your pfb probably would be fine with his grand parents, but you'll end up being worried about him and it's added stress that you just don't need in labour!! I cannot believe the amount of Yabu's you have had.

Gah Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

Benzalkonium · 28/10/2014 23:16

Bonsoir... That is very interesting. I would like it if you were able to link some of the evidence?

Iggi999 · 28/10/2014 23:24

Magic, have a Wine
and stop fucking swearing!