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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:

Marmiteandjamislush · 28/10/2014 22:28

YANBU Husbands or male doctors don't attend births in my community due to religious reasons. We have two sons, DH is a very bonded father and doesn't feel he missed anything and would be mightily offended at any suggestion he had. Tbh, I feel quite sorry for secular women that it expected that partners will attend these days. I can't think of anything that would stress me out more than having males in the room, even my DH. I had a job to do, which was only mine and I didn't want him distracting me. I knew my DC1 was well taken care of and they were both comfortable. I had a women with me from our church and other women fed DH and DC1, it was really lovely. They had been there and knew how it felt. I was happy to let them hold DC2 whilst I dressed.

YANBU OP, it's your labour, not DH's, it's not about him.

MummyLuce · 28/10/2014 22:28

Yanbu. Lots of oeople I know in similar situation eg grandparents unable to look after DC/don't want unfamiliar sitters. A doula is the answer. Your DH will get over it.

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 22:29

vest it may be your opinion that it's nice, whatever, for father's to 'meet their child the moment it's born', but the fact is that father's do not have an inalienable right to attend births.

Fortunately, there's a great difference between opinion and fact.

DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 22:30

It's really not necessary for husbands to attend to 'speak up' for wifey

Agreed, but you can always have a friend there with you to speak for you if you think you'll need it. Labour support doesnt have to be the baby's father.

bopoityboo3 · 28/10/2014 22:30

I can understand you wanting to keep things normal for your first dc but at that age he won't mind or hold it against you. Your second dc however might be upset to learn when they are older that you kept their dad away for no real reason. If my dad had missed my birth for this reason I would be really sad about it, bonding with mum and dad in those first few hours is really important for everyone. He doesn't have the right to be there but in this case you would be unreasonable to keep him away when there is someone else who can watch dS.

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 22:32

Yes, Aeroflotgirl, because women's needs and wishes must always be secondary to 'the relationship', mustn't they?

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 22:33

We agree, Diaduit. (See my earlier posts.)

merrymouse · 28/10/2014 22:33

I think there are two issues being discussed here - whether men have a right to be at a birth and whether, all other things being equal, a man should have to miss a birth because his partner isn't completely happy with her IL's babysitting.

I don't think he has a right to attend the birth in all situations. However, I think the worst that will happen if the father attends the birth will be that the IL's will muddle through imperfectly and the one year old will be perfectly fine.

As others have said, sometimes mothers aren't conscious for the birth and sometimes fathers can't make the birth for reasons that are unavoidable and that is fine. However, speaking as a very non-violent person, I would have very violent feelings towards anybody who said that I was making a fuss about not wanting to miss it.

happy2bhomely · 28/10/2014 22:34

You are NOT being unreasonable!

We have 5 children. My DH asked me how he could best support me during labour. I told him that I wanted him to look after our children, so that I could focus entirely on the birth. We had other options, but this was my favoured one. He agreed, because he loves me. He put my needs first. My needs trumped his needs because I was the one giving birth. I will forever be thankful for his selflessness when I was at my most vulnerable. He was there for me, in a way no one else could have been.

He was there for one of their births. It has not made one jot of a difference in the bonding experience between us or them. The moment he first met all of our children will be etched in our minds forever. The birth is a significant, but tiny part of being a parent.

Bowlersarm · 28/10/2014 22:34

No, JulyKit, they should be equal. And you know, subject to discussion. Heard of discussing things with your partner and taking their feelings into account?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 22:34

Well July we are not talking about a toxic relative but the op loving partner. There is noway I would do that to dh, mabey wait outside the room but not ban him fgs!

vestandknickers · 28/10/2014 22:35

July. Fathers do not have a legal right because the law has to look after women who need protecting from abusive men who happen to be the father of their baby.

This is clearly not the case here.

Ok then. Fathers do not have a legal right to be at the birth of their child, but they do have a moral right because it is their child.

That is my opinion. You may not agree, but please drop the patronising tone.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 22:35

Op that wasn't directed at you. As mrs Ruffalo says I honestly think we all feel that way.

Test assured dc3 was left with her 14 year old db while we had dc4. She was fine.

By the time you get to child 4 no one steps up to the plate.

Good luck op.

Smartiepants79 · 28/10/2014 22:35

july you've clearly never read any of the many threads on here from women who feel their voices weren't listened to during labour (not me by the way)
Its nothing to do with speaking up for 'wifey'. It's about someone who isnt in agony asking the right questions and advocating for a person who may be exhausted and drugged up.
Having a birth partner is important in my opinion.
I also believe that a loving partner and father should be able to be present if he wants to be. I think not allowing him could lead to serious resentment that impacts on the whole relationship.
What if the absolute worse happens and the baby is ill or worse? It does happen. As I said its very unlikely but it's recently happened to a friend of ours. Truly awful.

DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 22:35

Oh yes july, i know, i was just adding something i hadnt seen mentioned already.

floatyflo · 28/10/2014 22:35

You have had some tough comments aimed at you here Op. Hope you are okay.

I felt the same stress regarding how dc1 would be while I was in hospital having dc2. Unlike your son, my dc1 had never been left with anyone at all really, no nursery, no babysitters, not even been to Nanny's without me so I did speak to my other half about him staying home with dc1 whilst I had dc2. At the time, it was more than just viewing dp as a babysitter, despite what a previous poster is making it out to be. It was a huge worry. How could I possibly concentrate on getting myself through the undignified agony of labour whilst worrying about my son?!
But, when it came to it it was so not a big deal at all! In fact whilst giving birth I gave him no thought!
And my son was absolutely fine. Honest to god. He stayed with my Mum at her house for two nights (had some complications) and by the end of it, he didn't want to come home
He really will be fine. You really won't worry. You won't have time too! Just look forward to his face lighting up when you get home. Remember how you worried before he started nursery? When you had to think about returning to work and how we're you going to be able to leave him in chill care and allllll the worry that comes with that? Well that's okay now isn't it? It worked out kuch better than you could have imagined did it not?

FWIW, a woman can have who the hell she like or does not like during HER bloody labour. I am staggered at some posters reactions to this on here, staggered!! And to those who are saying "ooh that's not a very good reason!" , who said she had to bloody well have a reason in the first place!

itsbetterthanabox · 28/10/2014 22:36

I don't think men have a right to be at the birth, it should be entirely down to person giving birth who she has with her.
But in this situation it doesn't seem like you actually don't want him there you are just worried about your son. It's understandable that your partner would like to be there. If you would like him there I think it's better to find a solution where you feel comfortable leaving your son with someone else. That could be a friend? Or possibly your pils coming down earlier before the birth to get to know your son and his routine better?

floatyflo · 28/10/2014 22:37

And to whoever said about a dc2 might be upset in the future to find out their father was not at their birth...really? Because I don't they would give two shiny shites!

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 22:38

Thank you, happy2bhomely and your lovely DH!

My DH asked how best he could support me during labour

There's a loving relationship !

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 22:39

Of course women have a right to have who they want at the birth, some men don't want to be at the birth, but banning him from the hospital as some suggested is unacceptable. Surely there are waiting facilities outside or nearby.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/10/2014 22:40

Marmite what is your that religion doesn't allow men to attend birth?
I think secular women only have men attend when they want them too, it isn't a requirement.
Why did women from your church have to feed your dh and son?

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 22:40

Right, smartie - birth partner, if wanted/needed. Doesn't have to be DH...

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 22:41

happy2BHomely and marmite great posts

It's what's right for you as a family unit.

Azeroth · 28/10/2014 22:43

the ONLY person who has the right to be there is the person giving birth

Original poster

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 22:43

I'm glad there are a handful of posters who felt the same as me, it's good to hear that in labour I probably won't think about childcare arrangements.

I should have started a thread saying "please erasure me that pfb won't be damaged by being left with people he doesn't really know for a night or two" to avoid the controversy. Dp did phrase it as having a right to be there and that made me feel angry as I felt like he was prioritising his feels over mine and ds's feelings but hearing your experiences has helped me realise that ds and therefore me will be fine.

OP posts:

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