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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:

RevoltingPeasant · 29/10/2014 12:34

OP your DH does seem to suffer from foot in mouth

Glad you have reached an amicable conclusion though. I don't think this is a good thing, but many men IME express sorrow or hurt as anger, possibly as this is seen as a more "acceptable" male emotion. That doesn't excuse his language to you before, but it may be a more constructive way of looking at things!

Good luck.

Subhuman · 29/10/2014 12:41

That's a joke, yes?

You mean my message?

Not exactly a joke as that is genuinely what she said, but I do find it funny as she clearly had the harder job!

I'm glad I was there for her as she wanted, which is the reason I was in the room. Of course I wanted to be there to witness the birth but if she'd have felt it better without me there I'd have waited outside.

ApocalypseThen · 29/10/2014 12:49

Not exactly a joke as that is genuinely what she said, but I do find it funny as she clearly had the harder job!

It is an interesting reflection of the pressure on women to care for men, even in this context, I think.

WowserBooooooooooooser · 29/10/2014 12:50

I am glad you got to be there then Subhuman

You sound like you were a lot more use than my dh

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 29/10/2014 12:52

Robbie Williams behaviour seemed to me to be the ultimate stupid pathetic narcissistic and twattish so far In his life, and that's saying something. I hope he's ashamed of himself and I really hope this doesn't herald lots of other stupid men putting similar bad behaviour on the internet.

Subhuman · 29/10/2014 12:53

It is an interesting reflection of the pressure on women to care for men, even in this context, I think.

Or alternatively for a husband and wife to care about each other and see the funny side about things. It doesn't always have to be a war.

Subhuman · 29/10/2014 12:58

You sound like you were a lot more use than my dh

I tried. Just being there to entertain (not in a Robbie Williams way though!) and an extra pair of hands to fetch things without bothering the midwives over little things like snacks and drinks. It could just have easily been someone else there doing that but for us, it was just obvious for it to be me as that is what we both wanted.

ApocalypseThen · 29/10/2014 13:00

It doesn't always have to be a war.

Why would a woman being exclusively looked after and thinking of herself or her baby after giving birth without worrying about her partner be a war? It's troubling that you would leap to that interpretation, passive aggressive smilies aside.

Subhuman · 29/10/2014 13:09

Why would a woman being exclusively looked after and thinking of herself or her baby after giving birth without worrying about her partner be a war

That is my point exactly. She can care about the person she loves, is married to and helped bring her child into the world of her own free will without having been pressured into caring by anyone. She doesn't simply have a reserve tank that she is only allowed to care about so many things at once. Your assumption was that women must be pressured, not mine.

ApocalypseThen · 29/10/2014 13:26

You are genuinely saying that you don't recognise the effects of female socialisation in terms of how women consistently prioritise the feelings and experiences of other people ahead of their own? Seriously?

TheGrandHighWitch · 29/10/2014 13:31

I think you are being a bit pfb by not letting your son have some time with his grandparents even if they are a bit unreliable. In an ordinary loving relationship I think it is a fathers right to be present at the birth, after all he was there for the conception which is more than can be said for the labouring woman's mother.
I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this and the above has already been mentioned but how about recording a video of you both for grandparents to play to your ds so he can 'see you' when you're gone? We got dc1 one of these as a present from dc2 when they first met and may be worth looking into. You can upload it with pictures of people he knows and loves and grandparents can give it to him and re assure him that way.

merrymouse · 29/10/2014 13:32

I think you are looking for the 11.57 post witch

Inertia · 29/10/2014 14:11

Glad to see that you have come to an agreement, and DH has come to his senses about being supportive and helpful :) I bet your PIL and DC1 will have a lovely time together, and you will have your DH for moral support (it's a relief to see that you've explained to him how he can help you).

I can see where Apocalypse is coming from - it's astonishing how some members of society insist on prioritising the well-being of men, even in situations which are entirely focused on the health of a woman and child.

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 29/10/2014 14:21

Wow, I can't believe this thread! No a man doesn't have right to be at the birth, but I think it would just be so harsh to ban him from being there when his own child enters the world, for anything other than extreme circumstances.

My DH was pretty useless in both my labours, he just didn't know what to do! My ex midwife mum was there and she was great and obviously mic more helpful. Both mine were born in theatre in the end, and it probably sold have been better to have my mum there (you could only have one person), but it never crossed my mind for a second to say 'no DH I don't want you there to see our child being born'. He would have bee absolutely heartbroken and understandably so.

Tbh in real life if a guy said to me 'I wasn't there at the birth of my child, although I really wanted to be, simply because my wife didn't want me there' I would just think 'wow, what a bitch!' (Funnily enough I have never come across this in real life!)

Yes, of course a woman should have the right to say 'no I don't want the father of this child present at the birth', but to acually go through with that for no other reason than you just didn't feel like having them there? That is just cruel.

I bet all the posters who think a woman should banner partner are the same ones who go on about a man stepping up and doing night feeds, even when he has to be up for work, or getting in from work and immediately getting dinner on/looking after the kids/doing housework. Because, you know, parenting is a 50/50 thing

HaroldsBishop · 29/10/2014 14:25

Jesus, Apocalpyse, eat a Snickers or something. Subhuman isn't the patriarchy.

Glad it's all worked out in the end, Stripy. Hope it all goes well

diddl · 29/10/2014 14:33

"Why you would want to watch your favourite pub burn down unless your wife specifically asked you to attend is beyond me. "

With any luck it would stop someone with that ridiculous attitude wanting to ever get back in!

doobledootch · 29/10/2014 14:35

Just wondering if anyone on the thread has actually read the OP's posts?

The comment about having revised for the men's rights during childbirth is spot on.

OP hope it all goes well for you, it can be quite stressful worrying about no. 1 in these circumstances, I'm sure he'll be fine though.

dreamerdoer · 29/10/2014 14:43

parenting is a 50/50 thing

Yes, but birth isn't.

This isn't just a choice where one parent wants one thing and one wants the other and the affect of not getting their way is the same on both.

The effects of additional stress on a woman giving birth could be catastrophic.

MoHintawnFein · 29/10/2014 14:49

Stripey my dd (then 6) cried a lot of the time I was in hospital with Ds (24 hours only) and she knows and loves her gps who were babysitting but she wanted me and I couldn't be there. I felt bad but it was lesson #1 in dividing myself between 2 children. She survived, we had lots of cuddles when I got home (as gp's cuddled new baby) she does not remember that part of her brothers birth, still adores him and is not in any way traumatised by it. I knew she was upset but also knew she was in good hands and my dp didn't even make it to the hospital for the birth either. It was all less than ideal but at the same time we were all healthy and ultimately happy. By the sounds of your DS will be fine for the short (hopefully) time you will be in hospital. Don't fall out with your DP over a situation that may not arise.

Catsarebastards · 29/10/2014 15:02

Tbh in real life if a guy said to me 'I wasn't there at the birth of my child, although I really wanted to be, simply because my wife didn't want me there'

Which is not what has been described by the OP. you'd need to RTFT to know that though.

grannytomine · 29/10/2014 15:20

Your husband needs to support you in whatever way he can, if that is missing the birth so you don't worry about DS then he needs to man up and do that. YANBU but I think he is. Does he stamp his feet when he doesn't get his own way?

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 29/10/2014 15:23

Yes sorry I meant to add at the end of my post that my post was in response to some of the attitudes on the thread rather than the OP in particular, who seems to have taken lots of things on board.

JulyKit · 29/10/2014 15:29

Neverbuyheliumbalonz - can you point out a single post in which the poster indicates that s/he thinks 'a woman should banner [sic] partner'...?

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2014 15:30

Original poster

Stripylikeatiger · 29/10/2014 15:36

So, pil have been over to visit which went well to an extent, ds liked playing with them.

Mil did say that I'm probably not going into labour because my house is a mess (it's not really, In fact I consider it to be quite tidy and clean at the moment!) she then cleaned the windows and hung up clean curtains. If we are lucky she might clean whilst looking after ds, she does have very high cleaning standards.

OP posts:

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