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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 29/10/2014 15:38

Blimey clean curtains. She does have high standards. Glad it went well.

grannytomine · 29/10/2014 15:39

BarbarianMum I think his wife feeling that she doesn't need to worry about DS1 is very important, can't imagine what it must be like to go through labour worrying about a 1 year old. My last child was born when DD was 2 and I felt much like the OP but the difference was my husband was totally supportive. We got round it by him staying with DD until the last minute, he arrived as I started pushing. The midwife was getting stressed about me leaving it too late to let him know but I was much more able to deal with the delivery because I wasn't stressed. He stayed with me for a short time after the birth and then brought DD in to meet her new brother which she still remembers.

We aren't all the same, if someone feels the most important thing is having her husband with her then so be it, if she feels caring for older child is the way to allow her to focus on the task in hand I can't think of anything better for him to do. As for rights the only people with a right to be there are the mother and baby, everyone else is by invitation only.

grannytomine · 29/10/2014 15:43

If the OP's reasons are valid then I'm sure he'll come round to them

How patronising is this, when I was in labour I never felt the need to justify my wishes, if my husband had decided my feelings weren't valid I would have been livid and I wouldn't have been impressed if he had felt the need to tell me that he thought my decisions about my labour were valid.

JulyKit · 29/10/2014 15:49

Exactly, granny.

This sense of entitlement to judge other women's needs and wishes in that way are completely irrational and quite scary.

BOFster · 29/10/2014 16:23

Good grief, some of you could have a fight in an empty room. A room where the only thing to read was the OP's posts written in big letters on the wall. Amazing.

JulyKit · 29/10/2014 16:32

Right, BOFster. Thanks for your input. [tea]

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2014 16:35
StarlingMurmuration · 29/10/2014 16:40

I challenge you to find a single poster who says that a man has the legal right to attend a birth, JulyKit. And as for the "entitlement to judge other women's needs and wishes", FFS, we're on AIBU! Are you new here?

You're arguing against a straw man and your self-righteous indignation is more than a little wearing. And you're confusing having the right to do something (eg the right to ban your partner from the birth of the child you've chosen to have together) with whether it is right to do so. Just because you're entitled to do something doesn't mean you should do it.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2014 16:48

Stripy ..... So, pil have been over to visit which went well to an extent, ds liked playing with them. great news. I wish someone would come and clean my windows!

purpleponcho · 29/10/2014 16:52

DIsgraceful that anyone would imagine you were being unreasonable.

Viviennemary · 29/10/2014 16:55

YABU. If you particularly didn't want your DP at the birth then you have the right to say he can't be there. But all this worry about DS being looked after. I agree he will be absolutely fine. And it will only be for a short time. Please stop worrying.

JulyKit · 29/10/2014 16:58

This post may be tedious to read. It's certainly been tedious to write...

Starling - the OP referred to 'a right', and her DP talking about 'his right'. Therefore, in that context, 'right' was used as a noun (as in 'legal right', 'moral right'), not an adjective, as you have now tried to suggest that it was, or should have been, used.

I thought it might be the case that the OP would have liked some support. She was correct in thinking her OP had no legal right to attend the birth. A moral right is, of course, much more subjective. I didn't like the way that the OP was treated by many posters, particularly early on in the thread.

No, I'm not new here. I have been arguing against statements with which I strongly disagree, or which bother me (such as your early post about women treating DPs as 'sperm donors'. You've since said you don't really think that, but it is what you said). That's what MNers tend to do on MN.

You're not obliged to engage with any of my posts. It seems that you have taken great umbrage at what I've said on this thread since I responded to your 'sperm donor' post. You now say you didn't really think that. Perhaps, then, that's the 'straw man' to which you refer?

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2014 17:00

What did he say at the last birth Stripey?

JulyKit · 29/10/2014 17:01

Oh, and Starling, there are several other posters who seem to share my point of view. Why have you chosen to chase me in particular around this thread?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 29/10/2014 17:06

A poster way-back asked for links about the thinking that men's presence can sometimes inhibit progress of labour. Can't link on phone but Check-out Michael Odent.

SuperMumTum · 29/10/2014 17:22

Ridiculous. I agree with "Get a better plan". If your PIL are really that bad an option get a trusted friend to come to the house. The routine really isn't that important for one night, as another poster says even if he crashes on the sofa after a film. I can't believe you would railroad your DPs feelings so completely. It's not about rights.

SuperMumTum · 29/10/2014 17:25

Sorry. Didn't RTFT.

merrymouse · 29/10/2014 17:25

It's often a good idea to switch to "show all messages" and 'find' the OP's username just to check whether there has been an update...

merrymouse · 29/10/2014 17:25

x post Grin

StarlingMurmuration · 29/10/2014 17:31

I know it was used as a noun, JulyKit. Thanks for the little English lesson though! My point was that sometimes there's far too much talk about rights rather than whether something is right. Sadly for both of us, my points seem to go over your head.

I haven't denied that I think there are women who seem to think that men are little more than sperm donors. I certainly think that there are posters on here who think that, or give at impression. I've explained the context in which I made the comment. I never said the OP specifically was treating her partner as a sperm donor. But once again, whoosh! My point went your head.

The straw man to which I refer is whether anyone here actually thinks a man should be able to barge into a birth if they're not wanted. And I chose to answer you because your comment was the one most recently showing irritating self-righteousness. I'm not going to bother again though, because you really seem to have trouble understanding my posts, and I can't be bothered trying to parse them out for you.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 29/10/2014 17:36

yes, I think that if a man wants to be at the birth of his own child, then he has the right to be there.

Of course he has a right to be there.

I think Dad's have an equal right to meet their child at the moment it is born.

Starling, here are just a few of the many posters who assert a father 'has the right' to be at the birth regardless of the wishes of the mother.
Maybe they were all just confused over the meaning of the word 'right' too.

StarlingMurmuration · 29/10/2014 17:51

Yes, I guess there are some people who think that on here. Fair enough, though I thought many of them are in the context of this particular case rather than the abstract. It still seems to me that there are two debates here which are muddying the waters.

StarlingMurmuration · 29/10/2014 17:52

A d clearly many people were referring to a moral right, not a legal one... Above I asked for examples of people who said men had a legal right, but I guess I'm splitting hairs there.

Catsarebastards · 29/10/2014 17:57

There's no 'moral right' either. HTH

purplefeathers · 29/10/2014 17:58

Johnfarley Thanks for the Michael Odent reference. It makes interesting reading.