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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
StarlingMurmuration · 29/10/2014 10:29

Well said. Ici.

dreamerdoer · 29/10/2014 10:30

Medically the best interest of the child being born is that its mother is as happy and relaxed as she can be.

Any father who insists on his 'right' to be there even when the mother would be happier if he wasn't is showing that he doesn't give a shit about his unborn child or the woman giving birth.

Being present at a woman's labour is not a reward for good behaviour!

Totally agree. Being present at the birth has nothing to do with how much the mother loves someone, or how good a person they are. It's about whether them being present will be a help or a hindrance to the mother as she goes through a difficult and potentially dangerous process.

If its going to cause her to worry, then the father should do the best thing for his partner and child and put his personal feelings aside.

If my partner was rushed to hospital suddenly I'd want to hold his hand and be with him. If it was in his medical best interest for me to leave, then I'd be out of their immediately. His health is more important than my feelings, and its the same for father's being present at a birth.

FyreFly · 29/10/2014 10:32

I agree with you both Star and Ici - I think we were talking at cross purposes Blush I was making a comment about a general situation rather than the OPs as the thread had moved a bit quickly!

Chunderella · 29/10/2014 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 29/10/2014 10:39

Stripy , has your DH stopped being furious yet ? Has he reconsidered his stance at all , and accepted that this is actually about a safe and comfortable labour and birth for you and the baby, rather than all about him and his rights ?

You've reconsidered and you are looking at other options - I do hope that your husband has also reconsidered his response, and is able to see the outcome as a result of sensible discussion rather than thinking that fury is the best way to get the desired outcome from your pregnant wife.

DiaDuit · 29/10/2014 10:40

No, not "Nothing else". For the father of child, being present at his child's birth is also about the absolutely unique moment of being there when that child comes into the world, hearing him draw the first breath, maybe being able to cut the cord, being able to hold the baby as soon as possible. That's a very important element which it is totally wrong to ignore.

Except if you're not in a relationship with the mother in which case it is completely fine to ignore Hmm does it suddenly cease to be a completely unique moment and important element? Do you stop having wishes about seeing your child born? Why is it we only have to bestow this wonderful gift onto those men who are still partnered with the mother? Is it perhaps because that is WHAT THE MOTHER WANTS?

JulyKit · 29/10/2014 10:42

Really good post, dreamer.

OP, I hope that at least some of this thread has been useful to you.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2014 10:44

If the OP isn't happy to have her dh at the birth because she'd rather labour alone, or have her mum there, or because she feels he'd make her uncomfortable or be no use then I'd be the first to say it's her decision to make (which legally it is of course and a good thing too). But this isn't really the case is it? It's a childcare issue. And last time I checked parents have joint responsibility for childcare decisions.

Siarie · 29/10/2014 10:46

YABU

Moln · 29/10/2014 10:50

But this situation isn't really about his demanding his right to be at the birth is it?

The OP's DH is upset (angry if you really want to interpret it that way) that he won't be at the birth of his child, when he thought he was going to be, simply because his wife thinks that his parents aren't good enough to look after their son. Which there is no logical reason for (in fact is down to unfortunate planning of not considering the consequence of going overdue - a standard crime however)

It's not that the OP doesn't want her DH that at the birth and he's insisting he should be THAT is a whole different kettle of fish, and no no- one has hte right to be around a woman in labour if she doesn't want them to be there, however this isn't the case here is it?

OP your son won't really be upset about it, he might be out of sorts of course he might, as all children might be if their routine is changed. However it most certainly is not worth this upset for everyone else, his upset won't be so great as the one where both you and your DH are upset due to his lack of presence at the birth.

Let's face it your DS is going to be put out of source anyway - the effect of a new sibling is going to change matters greatly anyway, also they are his grandparents, and will always be his grandparents so it'll be fabulous for his to spend time with them especially as they don't get to see each other that much.

The period of disruption is inevitable really, and isn't going to be avoided by upsetting plans and not having your DH with you during the birth of your new baby.

StarlingMurmuration · 29/10/2014 11:15

Moin, I completely agree.

I think FyreFly has hit it on the head here. There are two debates going on and most of us are talking at cross-purposes. No disrespect to the OP but I think it's the way the originals question was framed. I doubt any of us here would agree that a father has the right (legal or otherwise) to intrude himself into the birthing room when he is actively not wanted by the labouring mother. But at the same time, quite a number of posters think that the OP is being unreasonable to tell her DP that he can't be with her for the birth for her particular reason. It's two different but obviously related issues and the reasonableness or unreasonableness of the OP and her DP have become tangled up in a larger debate of a woman's right to choose to give birth however she desires.

merrymouse · 29/10/2014 11:15

Agree with Moln. I think there is room for for discussion. A father doesn't have a right to be at the birth. However, in a situation like this, where the mother is/was anxious about childcare, it is worth listening to other points of view.

purplefeathers · 29/10/2014 11:17

I think what comes across here is that everyone's experience is.different.

If you were to ask my dh he would openly tell you that he hated the birth of dc1. He got distressed and he hated seeing me in pain. If he could have done something more useful such as look after existing children I'm sure he would have jumped at the chance. And to be honest, seeing him so worried didn't help me one jot.

We're going to play it by ear this time. The plan is that he'll take care of dcs. Once labour has progressed to the point of birth being fairly imminent, he can drop the dcs off and come to the hospital (we live very close).

It was my suggestion that he stays with the dcs for most of the labour and do you know what? He didn't shout about his 'rights' and he's not filing the divorce papers.

This expectation that fathers must be present has effectively removed the choice from the labouring woman.

And I agree re Robbie Williams. He would have driven me mad. He's like a child trying to steal the limelight.

Aussiebloke · 29/10/2014 11:25

Why you would want to watch your favourite pub burn down unless your wife specifically asked you to attend is beyond me. You have your reasons and rights to privacy, I will say however your reasons seem feeble and he may misconstrue them and think you have something against him.

I wish you the best of luck in your pregnancy.

babykonitsway · 29/10/2014 11:41

this confuses me. there is no one I love, trust or would want more at our child's delivery than the father. Why should he miss out seeing his child being born. Your son will be fine, its one day.

Original poster
Stripylikeatiger · 29/10/2014 11:57

A little update, pil had not actually been asked to look after dsShock but now dp has asked them and they said yes, so they are coming over today to learn the basics, where the nappies are kept, which is his favorite teddy how to turn on mr tumble they are then having him tomorrow morning so dp can come to a scan with me. I feel much calmer and happier about the situation now.

The baby seems in no rush to come out so possibly it's all a non issue anyway.

I spoke to dp about him supporting me in birth and reminded him of his very unhelpful comment about 10 minutes after ds was born, he said "you have no idea how exhausted I am, I have been awake for 36 hours!" I pointed out that I'd been awake and in labour for 50 hours so I wasn't interested in hearing about his exhaustion. He's promised not to say anything so daft again! He struggles a little with seeing situations from other people's point of view but ultimately I do want him with me.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 29/10/2014 12:01

Great Stripy!

purplefeathers · 29/10/2014 12:06

Wonderful. You sound very happy with the solution Smile

And yes, make sure dh knows what not to say after the birth! Grin

Good luck...and be sure to come back to the thread to let us know when baby has arrived!

Icimoi · 29/10/2014 12:11

Men can say some daft things in this context. The DH of a friend told her that he didn't particularly want to be at the birth, he thought it was all going to be a bit nasty. She told him that she didn't particularly want to be there either, but as she didn't get the choice and it would be a whole lot nastier for her, it wasn't too much to ask for a bit of support.

WowserBooooooooooooser · 29/10/2014 12:12

Well done Stripy - I assumed this would be such a long thread because of similar AIBUs where the op is being PFB and won't listen to any advice.

But no, you are ok to be worried - but you've also listened to comments and taken it on the chin. And avoided all the bunfights!

Best of luck with everything, and yes, let us know how you get on.

Ds will be fine Flowers

WowserBooooooooooooser · 29/10/2014 12:13

Dh complained about being bored! Lucky him. The tit Grin

dreamerdoer · 29/10/2014 12:17

"you have no idea how exhausted I am, I have been awake for 36 hours!"

I nearly choked on my tea reading that! I think anyone who had said that to me in that situation would have been lucky not to have things thrown at them.

Subhuman · 29/10/2014 12:22

you have no idea how exhausted I am, I have been awake for 36 hours!

My wife actually felt sorry for me (without me prompting her) after she'd given birth even though she clearly had the tough part of the job. While physically exhausting for her, the drugs had taken the edge off the emotional exhaustion and left me with all of that. She barely even registered when the birth got tricky and the alarms went off but I was like a swan - calm on the surface but underneath panicking like a lunatic until everything was sorted again. It also didn't help that in the first pictures with DS, I'm the one who actually looks more exhausted while she looks gorgeous.

WowserBooooooooooooser · 29/10/2014 12:29

That's a joke, yes?

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 29/10/2014 12:30

So glad you sorted it op and hope it all goes well.

Fwiw I got my dh to go home to tend to my older child while I laboured all night with ds2. It was lights down, my candies burning and nursed popping in at intervals.

It was just me and him and an extremely calm and ultimately the easiest of all my births.

The other 3 were delivered during busy day time with my dh, various students and midwives and I found I was having to reassure dh and others rather than just withdrawing and concentrating on me.

That ds is now 23 and I am extremely close to all my 4 but honestly I do feel that he and I have a very very close bond from that easy quiet birth. He is also the most laid back of my kids too.

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