To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

[Stripylikeatiger]

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

1. There are 251 posts on this thread. Don't just answer the thread title, RTFT. It's all been said already and the OP has long ago moved on from her starting position.

1. This thread reminds me of an exam paper. Many candidates had revised the rights of labouring women. There was only one question on the paper active convos that looked as if it was about that so they chose that one and wrote down everything they know about birth partners, even though it was not in fact the main point of the question. Candidates lost marks for this failure of reading comprehension.

1. MN really, really needs an emoticon for a high horse.

Hope it all goes well OP.

It's a difficult time, isn't it?

My parents were supposed to come over, but my mum was ill, dad didn't want to leave her so had to call the ILs.

Your husband might not be gone too long even if you do stay in for a night or two.

During my labour DS1 was left with my sister (15) for night 1. My other sister came to help her during the night. Night 2 my mum was there (had flown back from overseas). DS1 had never been left overnight with anyone other that DH before (and that was only once for one night). Night 3 I decided I needed my mum as well as DH so DS went to neighbours (they'd always been the planned carers - hadn't expected sisters / mum to be there). DS2 was born on night 3 but went to NICU so I spent another two nights in hospital - DH spent much of the time with me but was at home for evenings. Neither of us saw DS1 from Thu evening until Sunday morning (DH) / lunchtime (me).

My pfb was absolutely fine after being passed around (including nursery sessions) and very happy with the massive present DS2 brought him when we finally came home. :)

BTW - the plan had been a home birth with DS1 popping out for the crucial part if upset!!

Good luck!

Good luck OP, I hope baby shows up soon!

FWIW, I think you're being a bit daft but I'll let you off seeing as you are so pregnant!

When I had DS3, I got a cab to the hospital by myself, DH took our twins to nursery and then came to the hospital. I thought I might have to give birth by myself as we had no childcare options during the week, and that really upset me. I was OK before, but when I went into labour I cried my eyes out as I was alone.

Luckily, DH got there in time, and as it was an easy birth I was home by 6 that evening. DH got the kids from nursery and it totally worked out.

I think you're DS is too little to get upset, but your DH will. Labour for as long as you can at home, then go to the hospital. You and DS and DH will be fine.

Astonished at the amount of DP's/Dh's who might hold resentment forever, who would never forgive their wives, who would leave their partners, if they couldn't 'witness' the birth.

I wonder if they are all old enough to have children.

This thread is fascinating with posters arguing either yabu or yanbu so passionately. Lots if different opinions.
I thought it would be unanimous yabu!

How would you feel if it was the other way round? You desperately wanted DH there but he didn't want to be there?

How would you feel then OP? Also would you BU for insisting he came?

Your body.

His (and your) Child.

It's not like you are going in to have gallstones out is it?

If you deny him this he is going to resent you for not allowing him to be there and I'd be concerned about this spilling over onto the child.

you are treating him like an arsehole. stop it.

Round of applause for AllMimsy; a perfect summation.

Amazed at the stance people take. And the level of nastiness too about such a personal subject.

Mimsy spot on post.

I think YABU but I understand how you feel.

DS will be okay, truly. :) it's not for very long, he won't be traumatized.

What bothers me is that your husband's response to your suggestion was to become furious and start banging on about his rights. That's not suggesting to me that he is likely to be a supportive labour / birth partner who puts the needs of you and the baby first. I wouldn't have wanted an angry, fathers-rights-focused man there while I was giving birth.

In a loving relationship, surely a better response would be to tell you that he understands your concerns over DC1, but that he would prefer to find alternative childcare because it means a great deal to him to be able to support his wife and be there for the birth. The fact that he got angry and made it all about him does not convince me he is the best birth partner. And he doesn't have the right to be there , legally or morally. You are the patient, it's your decision.

However, if this reaction is a one-off and you would be comfortable with your DH at the birth, then your DC1 will be absolutely fine with grandparents.

What Mimsy said.

I'm a passionate advocate of women's right to make their own decisions during birth.

But, birth for me is a big deal, and I'm willing to believe it is for my DH as well. I recognise that he has feelings about this too and want to respect those where possible.

For example, part of the reason I have decided against a home birth is because although I know he would support me, he would also be very worried about it. I made this decision but I made it with him in mind. To me, that's a mutual and loving relationship.

I also think people who say dads weren't present in the 60s are missing the point. They weren't expected to be. They largely are now. Expectations play a huge role, and if the DP had initially been included and then turned away late on, I can fully see how disappointed he would be.

"I wonder if they are all old enough to have children."

Yes. I assume you're not?

It's not about "right to be there". It's about someone thinking it's more important for pfb not to spend a few hours with close relatives in case he might cry a bit (something he won't even remember the next day) than for her partner to see their child being born (something he'll remember forever). I can't imagine having kids with someone to whom I meant that little.

It's different if you have no options, but the OP has the perfectly good option of grandparents to babysit.

For goodness sake, there's about to be a newborn in the house, pfb's life is about to be turned upside down anyway. He will be fine with granny for a few hours.

Oh sorry, sorry! I thought I had RTFT but it stopped after page 4.

Glad you're feeling better about it all. :)

Marmite I would love to know more about your religion as well!

Well, I have consistently said I hope the Op comes to a compromise.

I am just staggered at the amount of people who think if a man isn't there he is just a sperm donor, or a man would resent a woman forever if she asked him not to be there, or a man needs to 'witness' or 'see' the birth to be a good co-parent or a man has as much say as the woman giving birth does or a child would be annoyed if her father hadn't been there.

Incredible. I think these views are a real shame/set-back for women.

The NHS believes that men are there to support their partners and not see childbirth.

When I had my later children by Caesarian I was told that my H could NOT be present if I chose a general anaesthetic, since the invitation only extended to his support of me. If I were asleep it wouldn't be necessary.

So that's clear.

IMO the NHS has it quite right on this issue- womens bodies are their own.

My DH would be absolutely devastated to miss the birth of his child. Legally I could prevent him being there but he'd never forgive me and I wouldn't blame him. It's a momentous event and horrible to consider denying him the experience.

It's your right but it's a pretty shitty thing to do to your husband. Your ds will be fine with his grandparents - babies starting nursery don't know what is going on and whilst they can be a bit unsettled for a while I have never heard anyone on here claim it is cruel to use child care.

YABU

In the 70's, there were no men at hospital births. I think it was a great step forward for women to be able to choose their birth partner and make the whole ordeal more woman focussed and less medicalised (no obligatory shaving/episiotomies etc).

What a shame that it's now gone so far the other way and is being used as a stick to beat other women with. With posters here (women I presume) claiming its unreasonable/cruel to 'deny' Fathers a 'place' at the birth without a 'valid reason'.

Privacy and security will be the order of the day for most women - they don't generally want an audience (although I fully support any woman who chooses the latter and live videos her birth to the world ).

If the OP will be more relaxed with her DH looking after the DS that's enough. If she doesn't want him there for no particular reason. That should be enough.

Why so much focus on the feelings of the Father over the labouring Mother? Time and time again here I see comments about 'he'll be resentful', 'it could spill over onto the child'. What about the Mother? Why is she expected to ignore her own feelings to appease the Father even though she is the labouring woman?

Mammanat222

^How would you feel if it was the other way round? You desperately wanted DH there but he didn't want to be there?

How would you feel then OP? Also would you BU for insisting he came?^

Most men recognise that their role is to support the Mother of their child in a comfortable, safe birth and will do whatever they can to facilitate this.

That may be rubbing her back and passing drinks, attending the birth even though they feel squeamish or not attending the birth even though they'd have liked to.

Because for 12 hours only (if you're lucky) it's about the needs of the labouring woman and safe delivery of a baby.

So while it would BU to 'insist' he attended the birth, hopefully he would.

I don't think that if a man isn't at the birth he's just a sperm donor. I think there's an attitude from some on this thread (and to be honest, on MN as a whole at times) that the father's desires are completely unimportant - that all he's good for is getting a woman pregnant and he is wrong to express any preferences after that, or to be disappointed if he is excluded

I do not think anyone has the right to attend a birth if his partner doesn't want him there. I do think that in a case like this the father's desires should be considered and given weight, and I get the impression that some posters don't agree with this. My DP is my equal, and I am his - our needs and desires are, to me, equally important in all our endeavours, including giving birth, because we are mutually caring and supportive. I completely trust him to feel the same.

Too often it seems to me that posters see relationships as a battleground over rights, instead of a partnership. That's where my comment about men being treated like sperm donors came from.