leaving 12year old at home alone while we're at work?

[mofro]

Im FT at work and DH is self employed workung long hours. Eldesh DH is in Y7, settled well at new school. Hes' s dropped to school by us in the morning, and has a bus pass for coming home, has a house key and is at home alone from about 4.30pm until we get home for6.30/7pm.
He knows house rules,;is v sensible and is either doing homework, tv or playstation.- doesnt answer door or phone unless its us.
Have 2 other DC who go to family member after school which i pay for.
Had a lecture from my Dsis about abandoing him, how its wrong, what if house burnt down etc....and its kinds stuck in my head!!

Been a SAHM for years, doing crappy atrempts at self employment so i waa there for kuds and now finally gave a great FT job..but feeling guilty....

Was told by another family member she wdnt pop round this half term as i needed to spend time with my own kids as they never see me :-0

Very happy and confident kuds...but they alao moan a lot to me and obviously others about me and DH working so much, i.e. full time

My mum did too Hazle but she went part time to fit in around us whilst we were children. She never stopped working as got much fulfillment from it - not all or nothing necessarily .

yes that's it, I choose to work so my kids can have food and school uniform.

Because otherwise they wouldn't have these things. Which I personally class as basic essentials.

I can't believe that work is being discussed here as a matter of "choice". My marriage has broken down (not "forward planned") and if I did not work, my house would be repossesed, I'd have no money for essentials and my DC would not go to spend precious time with GP as these live far away.

To your horror, my niece (lives in continental Europe) has been walking home from school by herself since she was 7; has been left with cold in bed since she was 8 (mum would pop-in during lunch); and has been by herself at home from 1pm till 6pm since she was 9. This is common and noone bats and eyelid, though it is not done everyday.

This makes me think that a 12 year old will most likely be sensible. Or learn to be sensible. I would leave after school unless my DC will not be comfortable with this.

My kids will have to look after themselves when they are Y7 (not from September though), but for that reason I am planning to move to a better area, better schools, more afterschool activities, school close to home, easy walk home, close-nit and lovely community. Hopefully this works.

What do people think 12 year olds get up to when they're on their own? Lets hope it's just watching telly.

I have a 12 year old and there's a risk he wouldn't adhere to screen rules in my absence. But 12 is still an age of innocence, what are you talking about here?

Exactly Andy, how many nurses, GPs, teachers, surgeons etc have children and how many would we have left if having a baby rendered a person incapable of working for eighteen years. There would be no benefit system if every parent didn't work.

As for "full responsibility" for a child, are you saying that working parents are only partly responsible for their children Deeky? I happen to think providing financially for a child is as important as emotionally and physically. I don't think other tax payers should pay for my life choices as do millions of others luckily. I want to put food on the table for him and clothe him not expect other tax payers too just like the OP.

Also, it's of course very noble to declare that money doesn't matter and the whole family is happy to be poor, as long as they can spend all their time together, or similar. In real life, I am not sure most teenagers would agree though.

I was thinking the same LovelyBoots! My sensible 12 year old does very normal things on the odd days she comes home and we are both at work. Mainly gets a snack, watches TV and does homework. I have always felt extremely grateful that I am able to work part time so one of us is usually here for her after school but I do think we are in danger of fussing over our children too much. I seek opportunities for her to be independent and this is one of them.

Also totally agree with that Hazlenutt. Dd's best friend comes from a family that are extremely hard up. She finds it very, very difficult that she can't join in with many of the activities her friends enjoy and feels she has to constantly make up excuses to hide the real reason. She also tells Dd that her parents continually fight over money and can't afford the food they need when they go shopping.

Hazle, I doubt many teens would choose being poor and being mollycoddled over staying home the odd hour or two alone im return for a better household income. Like it or not, children raised on benefits fair less well in later life than those that are not. It's the reason Pupil Premium is given to schools by each government. Who would actively choose that for a child?

Deeky apparently!

It is a strange one.

I know a person who works full time as does her husband. The children [two boys primary] get dropped to school by parents and then picked up by a child minder and then picked up by parents at 6pm.

No idea what child care costs. Parents have some of the holidays off but some they have child minder, again I have no idea what this costs.

My point being is I know what she earns and they have been on holiday three times this year at the cost of about £5000..... they run two cars and a motorbike.

They both belong to my gym at £60 per month each.

They have has about 12 weekends away this year [gp looking after the kids]

So I would say her wages would pay for all of this.

Now I would rather not work and spend some time with my kids, but I understand many would think these what I call luxury's, are essentials.

I know a lot of women work because they have to pay the bills, but there are also the ones that work so they can pamper themselves at detriment to the kids.

12 weekends away and they never take the children cheif !

There are also those who need to work but not FT, but their career jobs are FT or nothing. My colleagues are in this position ATM. The only difference between me picking up my kids 4 days a week and them having theirs in FT childcare is pure dumb luck of timing.

Yep never take the kids................

You know your child. I have left my sensible DDs home after school since they started secondary school. I wouldn't have left my non-sensible DSs home at that age.

Oh and just to clarify I DO work and will continue to do so even though I have just been diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel and benefits include Child/Working Tax Credits and Child Benefit which I'm sure at least some (if not most) of you on here are claiming/receiving. Glass houses and stones spring to mind . . .

I started leaving mine after school at the end of yr7. It didn't work out for us, even though I moved to a two minute walk to the best state school I could find in the area, had two adults who could be called upon to help or supervise, and a mature child who (thought they wanted and could cope with) didn't really cope with me working full-time. I really regret it now and the extra money was no consolation for the fall out.

My parents left me to let myself in after school from a similar age because they 'had' to work full-time to pay the bills. It didn't really work out but they would still not admit or see it that way now. I think they think it was my fault for being immature rather than theirs for not adapting to my immaturity.

I had to give up my full-time job as my child was not thriving with my absences some afternoons/evenings due to work. It would have been better for me if it had worked out but in our case it was a mistake I wish I could undo. If I could have that year back, I would prioritise work, money, and childcare very differently.

I am jealous of those who make /made fulltime work with a child work and think it really must depend on the child. If the OP is uncertain enough of the situation to need to garner responses on here, it makes me think maybe it isn't quite right just yet for this child to be left.

But, none of us really know, as we don't know the child. I do wish someone had advised me not to do it though, and I felt under incredible pressure to work full-time once my child reached 11/12, a pressure that wasn't helpful.

I feel the polar opposite to comfycushion:
"but my opinion is you should look after your own children".
"We have arranged our life around our child."

I haven't arranged my life around my two children. I am a person within my own rights and have as much value in the family as anyone else. If there wasn't dh or me, then there would be no family for ds's to be part of, would there?

I choose to work part time. I only do school hours.
I only need childcare occasionally. a couple of days here and there in holidays and in school time, when I have to go up to London for an all day hospital appointment.

My 2 BEG to be allowed to go to breakfast club or after school club, MORE.
Apparently they have 6 different choices of breakfasts cereal. And in the after noon, they have " great snacks, and after the outside time we get to play computer games with loads of other boys. Its the best thing EVERRRRRR"

These things are obviously important to my kids

Depends on the child. Howlingowl said she was very lonely.
I wasn't. I was happy as a child and was forever out riding my bike and happy. In my teens I was not filled with angst , I was not lonely. I was happy.
My parents were around. I felt loved listened to and not ignored. I had just the right amount of freedom and didn't crave any more or any less.

"I know a lot of women work because they have to pay the bills, but there are also the ones that work so they can pamper themselves at detriment to the kids."

That's ME.

I do that
F*CK the kids.

Goes off to have her £5 bi-annual nail varnish paint session.

I'm soooo high maintenance.

At detriment of kids.

HA HA HA HA HA

Wow..what an .interesting thread its become!!

Reading it all I'm one of those working mums that does feel guilty- not all the time but yea, that guilt monster does pay a visit. I get more visits from the great mom genie who shows me and tells me my kids are happy healthy and becoming the people I dreamed they would be and have worked hard teaching and guiding them to be!
The phrase 'show me a child of 7 and I will show you the man' is a brill one and I am very proud of the foundarion me and dh have given our kids.
i stayed at home and did crappy self employed thinga to keep me mentally active and bring in some money-ive had PND, massive losses in confidence, became an orphan myself when both my parenta died and have been in debt the whole time ive been a mother.

Sine working full time I use a lot of the mummy skills I have to do a brill job that I am very good at and that helps people feel better every day. I talk about my kids all the time and they know all about my work-theyve all been in and spent at least a day there..my daughters coming in with mw this morning so DH has some time with our boys.
I do know my son and am now more comfy with our decision to leave him at home alone for up to 2 hours 3 school evenings a week....although im going to makr more of an effort to leave work and get home on time...7pm is too late so me or DH will be home closer to 6pm.
i do think we all have to do what is best for our own situation and be open to changing things. With dark winter nights, DH will be finishing early so will pik up kids quicker and oldest ir priority as he comes home alone 3 days....
thanks everyone for commenting and debating the topic...very insightful thread!!

I did this. Except it was pre x-box, so I enjoyed playing piano without people being able to hear. I second what a previous poster said about her daughter getting bored over school hols - I wouldn't have accepted childcare after the freedom I had had.My mum used to let me go on basically summer camps, one week long, reflecting my interests. Some residential, some local. Over 2 years I did 2 choir ones and 2 horsey ones. Loved it, felt privileged to be able to go, and it solved the problem of fighting with my brother ( happy to be left by himself!) Worth budgeting for xxx

As a few people have said, it very much depends on the child. My oldest son has been happy to be left alone since he was about 8 and now he is 11 and in year 7 he is on his own for about 15 minutes in the morning and a couple of hours three nights a week while me and DH are at work.

My younger son is 9 and has never been left alone, he is scared of the dark, monsters under his bed, ghosts in the bathroom.....they are so different and so are treated accordingly.

This is making me think of that thread, which may be in classics, about what your parents did back in the day which would be frowned on now. Loved that thread!

Decaff I take your point totally and, yes, all DCs are different - sorry you had such a difficult time. I just get annoyed about a minority of posters implying that those of us who say our DCs are happy being left alone are deluding ourselves so that we can carry on earning money for shoes and handbags. I know my own children and I know they're fine with it. DS1 and DD are just very laid back and chilled. I take very little credit for this, it's just the way they are. DS2, erm....isn't and it may turn out that he isn't happy being left alone when he starts YR 7.
The point I made earlier about it not always being the best thing to sacrifice everything for your kids- I didn't just mean financially, I meant the slightly martyrish tone some people adopt about their whole life life being arranged for the benefit of their children.
For years. I never went out with friends or to the gym or did anything for myself because I felt guilty about working. The way I see it now is that the DCs will always come first but that doesn't mean that I come nowhere. I don't think it's a good example to DD that you cease to have any needs when you become a mother.

Someone asked earlier that if NZ children can't be left alone til they are 14, are British kids so much more responsible?
Just as a comparison, I'm from another European country, and just recently, the courts have discussed what age is appropriate for children to be home alone. The supreme court said:

It is common in today's society, that [x]-year old children go to school by themselves and are home alone until parents arrive from work. Therefore, leaving an [x]-year old child alone in home environment during daytime is a socially appropriate action".

Guess what age x is?
It's 7. So either the kids on continent are different, or are British (and NZ)homes significantly more dangerous?