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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

leaving 12year old at home alone while we're at work?

203 replies

mofro · 28/10/2014 06:15

Im FT at work and DH is self employed workung long hours. Eldesh DH is in Y7, settled well at new school. Hes' s dropped to school by us in the morning, and has a bus pass for coming home, has a house key and is at home alone from about 4.30pm until we get home for6.30/7pm.
He knows house rules,;is v sensible and is either doing homework, tv or playstation.- doesnt answer door or phone unless its us.
Have 2 other DC who go to family member after school which i pay for.
Had a lecture from my Dsis about abandoing him, how its wrong, what if house burnt down etc....and its kinds stuck in my head!!

Been a SAHM for years, doing crappy atrempts at self employment so i waa there for kuds and now finally gave a great FT job..but feeling guilty....

Was told by another family member she wdnt pop round this half term as i needed to spend time with my own kids as they never see me :-0

Very happy and confident kuds...but they alao moan a lot to me and obviously others about me and DH working so much, i.e. full time

OP posts:
Original poster
mofro · 29/10/2014 06:22

Thanks for all the comments.
Just to clarify he's not alone in holidays...me and DH split time off or he can go to holiday club or family.
He may have the odd day or few hours alone or ill drop to friends house.
We have great neighbours who ive asked to keep an eye on him...they helped him get in last week wgen his key wdnt work and also happy to have him at their house.
He does phone and text thru day...and i always call and text too to make sure hes ok.
He can do basic food,,loves reading and ps3 and internet so can keep himself busy- bits of boredom are normal.
So...im glad i posted and def feel better- my baby is growing up and is fine!! I know im def going to start leaving work on time though...finish at 5.30, pik up other 2 and be home before 6.30 is very do-able!

OP posts:
comfycushion · 29/10/2014 08:12

Sometimes both mum and dad have to work full time to pay the bills this is a fact.

They then sometimes have to leave their child home alone [for whatever length of time]

They then try to justify it by saying they are grown up and sensible, they are just trying to convince themselves that it is ok.

When it is not ok.

This child is 12, the clue is in the word CHILD.

If 12 is ok nearly 12 is fine then it will be 11 and its ok he is only 10 but quite sensible.

If you have kids look after them...

comfycushion · 29/10/2014 08:14

The OP has asked the question because deep down she knows it is not right, and needs mumsnetters to tell her it is then she will feel ok.

She would not be asking this question if ds was 16.....because she knows that is ok and does not need the reassurance.

newpencilcase · 29/10/2014 08:18

Oh wind your neck in.

12 is fine.

This is what the law says.

So whilst there is no legal age requirement, the Government doesn't recommend children under 12 are regularly left alone.

I'm no rocket scientist. But I think that means that 12 is 'ok'

newpencilcase · 29/10/2014 08:19

Sorry wrong link

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone Smile

HicDraconis · 29/10/2014 08:26

In NZ it's illegal to leave a child under 14 at home alone without making adequate provision for their care and supervision. The govt website says : "Most children under 14 are not mature enough to be left without adult supervision for more than a short time, and should not be left alone on a regular basis."

While I know there is nothing similarly illegal in the UK about it, it makes a good comparison. I don't believe kiwi kids are less capable / confident / responsible than their British counterparts.

It saddens me when parents are proud to leave their children alone because "he's so capable and sensible". They're children for such a short time, they have decades in which to be sensible. Why pile responsibility on at an early age and make them responsible before they have to be?

comfycushion · 29/10/2014 08:26

Exactly a child aged 12 is rarely mature enough to be left on their own.

As I said before leave your children at home alone if you wish but if something goes wrong be prepared for the consequences.

Also think about their future, do you want your children to look back on their childhood as being left on their own a lot.

comfycushion · 29/10/2014 08:28

Hicdraconiis.... Great post.

People justify leaving their children home alone by saying they are sensible and soooo grown up.

MrsDeVere · 29/10/2014 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 29/10/2014 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comfycushion · 29/10/2014 08:37

Mrsdevere.......

It sounds like you did not get on with your parents [that is a big issue]

There are lots of threads similar to this and it usually comes out 50/50.

Those who HAVE to leave their kids [because they work] say its fine.

Those who arrange their working life around their kids say its not.

He is not old/mature enough because he constantly texts and the neighbours are on alert for him., If he was mature enough he would not text and op would not ask the neighbours to look out for him.

comfycushion · 29/10/2014 08:38

MN continually reminds me how many people live in situations that puts them in the position to feel superior to others without the experience to realise they are being twats.

I agree or in fact their parenting skills are a bit dubious, but if MN says its ok it is, when in fact its not.

DaisyFlowerChain · 29/10/2014 08:45

Sheer madness, do you really book childcare at home then Comfy for your secondary school child?

He is 12 not a infant at primary school. As long as he has a phone etc he will be fine. Some alone time is bliss, even now as an adult I enjoy it.

HicDraconis · 29/10/2014 08:45

My children get lots of time without me or DH continually hovering over them. However, we're always in the house or garden somewhere - easily yelled for if needed.

It's easier for us in this situation - as I said, it's illegal to leave a child alone under 14 in NZ and so we simply wouldn't do it.

I've not read any posts where people are putting themselves in positions of superiority or otherwise - just people offering their own opinions based on the OP and her post.

skylark2 · 29/10/2014 08:50

"He is not old/mature enough because he constantly texts"

Either I've missed something or this is complete nonsense. My 18 year old constantly texts. Maybe she's not old/mature enough to be alone either? Bit of a shame, since she's away at university...

comfycushion · 29/10/2014 08:55

When my child is off school [secondary] either my dh or I are about. We have no help childcare etc. We have arranged our life around our child.

Everybody has different priorities mine is my child.

He needed me for different reasons when he was a toddler, at the ages of 12-16 they still need their parent/s around as this is when can get into trouble with peer pressure.

At 12 he should be out and about with his mates or having mates over, not under house arrest because mum works..

comfycushion · 29/10/2014 08:56

skylark...... how many times does she text a day, is she very needy or lonely?

newpencilcase · 29/10/2014 08:59

Comfy, you let your child 'out and about'?!?!

Without you?

How is that more responsible than leaving him at home.

Run over, kidnapped, mugged, lost, trapped down a well. Surely these things are just as dangerous as staying indoors.

Either a 12 year old is old enough to be unsupervised for a couple of hours in the afternoon or he's not.

newpencilcase · 29/10/2014 09:02

"We have arranged our life around our child"

Please understand that not everyone is able to or wants to, nor does it necessarily benefit them in the long run.

Mumsnet is built on this discussion in an infinite variety of forms.

newpencilcase · 29/10/2014 09:05

My priority is also my child and yes, I have completely changed my life for them.

However, now they are at school I have to work. I am prioritising them because-
a) they need stuff like food, clothes etc
b) I want them to learn that I am not here just to follow them around catering to their every whim
c) I want them to learn that we are a family and that families have to work together, not put anyone 'first'

DaisyFlowerChain · 29/10/2014 09:07

Comfy, out and about (not under house arrest) without an adult contradicts your constant supervision rule and the below

"ds [12] year 7 [just finished]
comes home and changes very often into his onsie.
does homework.
chats about his day any gossip etc
minecraft
eat
minecraft
Eat
minecraft
all screens off at 8pm.............
reads draws or watched grand designs...... or storage wars..
bed at 9pm"

Ignore OP, he's 12 not 2. He's far safer in the home that being let loose out and about where he could be anywhere or getting up to anything.

ssd · 29/10/2014 09:12

I think 12 is too young for this to be a normal thing, different if its a one off

But of course this isnt what you want to read op, so ignore me and stick with everyone telling you its just dandy

clary · 29/10/2014 09:15

Are 13 yos driven or walked to school in New Zealand then? Are they accompanied by parents to the park for a kickabout with their mates?

I do wonder sometimes what people think is going to happen to a 10-11-12yo sitting watching TV for an hour or two in their own home.

I started leaving mine for short periods from the age of about 9-10 - when they stopped wanting to walk in the rain down to Beavers drop-off with DS2, for example. We have built that up so that now, at 11, 13 and 15, they are fine with being at home together or on their own after school for an hour or so - until I get home from work. Sadly I was not able to find a job teaching secondary which allowed me to leave at 3pm on a daily basis. No not sadly, I am fine with it actually. And so should you be OP. Ignore that dangerous and worrying NSPCC advice.

I worry about teenagers who can't go to the shop, make a sandwich, tie their shoelaces, make a decision about whether to go to the park or not because an adult has always done those things for them.

clary · 29/10/2014 09:17

ssd and anyone else, why do you think this would not be OK? And why is it OK as a one-off but not as a normal thing? If it's dangerous, surely it doesn't matter how often? Jumping off a cliff is not a good idea, either once or repeatedly. Sorry to be a bit flip.

comfycushion · 29/10/2014 09:18

He is safer at home [alone] but it does not make it right.

I am sure the OP would rather be at home with her children rather than one being home alone and the other two junked off to someone else.

She just wants lots of people to say its ok.

My child had just finished year 7 in that old thread DAISY he is now 13 and year 8..........

And dasiy bit creepy you looking at my old threads......