leaving 12year old at home alone while we're at work?

[mofro]

Im FT at work and DH is self employed workung long hours. Eldesh DH is in Y7, settled well at new school. Hes' s dropped to school by us in the morning, and has a bus pass for coming home, has a house key and is at home alone from about 4.30pm until we get home for6.30/7pm.
He knows house rules,;is v sensible and is either doing homework, tv or playstation.- doesnt answer door or phone unless its us.
Have 2 other DC who go to family member after school which i pay for.
Had a lecture from my Dsis about abandoing him, how its wrong, what if house burnt down etc....and its kinds stuck in my head!!

Been a SAHM for years, doing crappy atrempts at self employment so i waa there for kuds and now finally gave a great FT job..but feeling guilty....

Was told by another family member she wdnt pop round this half term as i needed to spend time with my own kids as they never see me :-0

Very happy and confident kuds...but they alao moan a lot to me and obviously others about me and DH working so much, i.e. full time

Yes, a 12 year old. Not 18. A child. A minor only 60% through his childhood.

And it's a couple of hours every day.

A 12 year old might not need their bums wiped, or their tea made for them. But they haven't finished growing up yet. I personally (and this is my own personal belief, I'm not suggesting anyone else has to adopt this opinion!) is that it is much healthier for a teenager to be kept busy and supervised rather than to be regularly left alone.

What do people think 12 year olds get up to when they're on their own? Lets hope it's just watching telly.

And I personally feel it is much healthier for teenagers to have a little bit of independence, than to have mum breathing down their neck 24/7.

Yes, I do think an average 12-year old would do their homework and watch some TV, or similar. What do you think OPs son would get up to between 4.30 and 6.30, so that he could not be left alone?

It's a couple of hours every three days actually.

Cooki3Monst3r - so you have a working DH, good for you. You bought your house when they were cheap - they aren't now so this option isn't open to all. I also hope the interest rates stay low (and don't reach the 15% my parents had to pay...hence my lovely Mum working full time).
Some people HAVE TO WORK TO PAY THE BILLS.
But this is just my opinion.....
OP your dc will be fine.

I think that it depends on the child. Personally I think 13 upwards or year 8 or 9 is just about ok.

YANBU. My dc is your dc age, and IF we had bus service I'd be doing the same as you. I'm stuck looking for part time with crappy pay until dc can drive to and from school, which is 4 more years, and by then I might not feel like going FT!

How does your child feel about it ? I think that is the most important thing . If they are happy with the situation then you have your answer OP .

"We made sure we bought at the right time, when prices were heading down"

Unlike all those callous parents who purposefully waited until houses were really expensive, just so they could avoid the kids.

My Dd sounds very similar to your DS, same age, very sensible etc. She walks the 2 miles to and from school each day and some days comes home lets herself in and is alone for a while before we get home. I always ask her to text me when she arrives home and I would think 7 pm was a bit late to be honest but I don't think it's harmful to him.

My point, newpencilcase was that I can stay at home with my children, now and hopefully when they're at school, because DH and I forward planned. We discussed our future plans, our ideas of family life we budgeted and made sacrifices long before we thought about getting pregnant.

Yes, I do know friends who bought on a high, at the height of the market with no real forethought and now have difficult choices to make.

I don't believe many people really do have to work. I think a lot of people say they have to work, or need to work when actually what they mean is they are making the choice to work. They're choosing to work because they enjoy it, or because they want the money to pay for holidays, or cars or whatever.

But for some reason, most people prefer to say "I have to work", "I have to leave my kids on their own" rather than to say, "I have made a choice."

I am not for one minute condemning anyone who makes these choices. Each to their own. But I do find it interesting. Some people's perception of need seems a bit warped. Which is what Deeky was saying. Those who say they need to work, but are miles from the bread line, who are they trying to convince? Themselves?

DaisyFlowerChain I actually work 15 hours per week and if I paid my rent by myself leaving enough to live on (less than £100 per week for food, bills, council tax), I would have to work 158 hours per week and that's before tax is deducted. Unless of course I claimed Working Tax Credits but that's still a benefit isn't it?
And of course it's fair my ex should pay child maintenance - he is working full-time and has no childcare costs.

I couldn't agree with you more Cooki3Monst3r.

I don't know what world you live in but most people I know have to work.

I'm a single parent with 2 children so I really do have to work to pay the bills and put food on the table and I don't think any amount of forward planning would have meant that situation was any different!

What is key as many others have pointed out is how your child feels about it. Some 12 year olds are quite mature but some are still very young and wouldn't feel comfortable with this situation.

Not sure how this debate has got here, but just to add my thoughts...

I work full time and actually use the money I earn, apart from what goes to pay bills, buying food for my family and paying for the activities my kids do and want to do (football, dance class etc etc).Oh and it buys their clothes and pays for school trips.

So not especially holidays and new cars and designer clothes. I guess I don't have to work but if I didn't, the kids wouldn't have their own bedrooms, which they relish, they wouldn't do any of their sporting etc clubs, which they also love, they wouldn't eat as well (even now I shop at Aldi so it's not exactly M&S) and they would have to rely on second hand school uniforms and the cheapest shoes I could find. I don't personally think having me here for that extra hour when they got home each night would make up for the loss of all that. It's great if people are able and want to be at home for their DC, tho I hope they will give them some independence as they get older.

Oh btw I work as a teacher so I also feel my working has some value to the rest of the world, or at any rate to those I teach. But maybe I am wrong, after all I am just supervising but "in no way guiding" my students

I was left home alone at 12 and my sister was allowed to babysit me and my brother from the age of 12. As long as their sensible kids, shouldn't be a problem.

I went home to an empty house from an early age and was a very sensible child, my parents never worried about me.

I wasn't welcomed home after my day, nobody made me a snack, nobody was there for me to talk to, when things had gone wrong at school I had nobody to listen or advise. By the time my parents got home it was all about making dinner and them chatting and putting on the news and cheerfully assuming I was fine, because I was so sensible.

Half terms and holidays were just me alone. Thankfully I read a lot.

If you get plenty of time each day for real conversation with your child and feel perfectly confident that there is always space for him to share his day with you, and that he isn't just colluding with you in a conspiracy of silence about the rather unwelcoming homecoming he is getting used to, then it's all fine.

I was mature and capable. And my parents heavily relied on that. It was convenient for them, and worked in their favour, and against me.

I was regularly left alone for several hours at a time aged 12 and I loved it! I got to do things like sing really loudly and non-life threatening silly things that wouldn't have been worth the hassle of explaining to my parents (like eating grass, or mixing all the bathroom products together to see what it smelled like ) Even at that age I would have felt completely suffocated by parents who felt the need to be around me every minute of the day to prove they really loved me I got plenty of attention when my parents did come home, so I never felt lonely.

You know your son best, OP - you're the only one that gets to make that decision. Don't let other people make you feel guilty about it, it's none of their business.

Clary exactly... you've hit the nail on the head. You choose to work, to give your children the life you believe is best for them. That's your prerogative - obviously. We all make the choices we feel is best for us and our children. This is exactly what I mean.

OldDeaf, as I understand, some people here are saying that it's a choice to work, you could quit and live on benefits.

HazleNutt - or quit, but only as long as you bought your house at the right time and have a DH who works . I fully support the welfare system btw but...I can work, this means my children occasionally have to go to GPs or childcare, but it does mean I don't claim benefits (which other working people are paying).
Yes, ultimately it is a 'choice'.

Think you'll being a bit over dramatic now . . . back to the op, both work, one is self employed. No need to do something silly like quit; it's about getting the work/life balance right and that takes creativity and having a good look at your life and your priorities.
The op says she pays childcare for the other 2 children; maybe she or her dp could finish at in time to pick up the kids from school/or the bus therefore saving that money. Or perhaps the dp could go back out to work when the op gets home being self-employed?
The op did ask for advice in first place as someone said something that made her worry. If she felt completely happy and secure with the situation, would she be questioning it?

Cooki3 but you didn't say that we all make choices that are best for us and our children. You went on and on about how you have done it properly, implying that those who have done it differently haven't done it properly. And as for working being a choice: if I didn't work, after we have paid the mortgage, council tax and bills from DH's wage, that would leave us approximately £28 per week for a family of five.
DS1 is very musical, it's his great passion. If I didn't work, we wouldn't have been able to afford piano lessons or a piano. DD is extremely sporty and has a real possibility of playing football professionally. If I didn't work, we wouldn't have been able to spend thousands of pounds on sports equipment or travelling round the country to take her to matches.
We would never have been able to afford a holiday - I know holidays aren't essential but family holidays are my fondest memories of my own childhood and I wanted the same for my own DCs. I'm not materialistic but I value my DSc having experiences - we go to the theatre a lot, another thing we couldn't afford if I didn't work.
All of you who believe that parents (ie mothers) should be hovering over their children until they are old enough to vote and believe that you shouldn't work if that means you can't be permanently available for your DCs, take that to its logical conclusion - how many teachers, nurses, social workers, Police officers, doctors would have to pack in their jobs.
I'm very proud of what I do and I think my job has value to society as a whole. I don't think it's always great for children to grow up knowing that their parents sacrificed everything for them - it can lead to them feeling under enormous pressure to be worth the saccrifices.

I have 12 year old DT's (plus younger boy of 10) and I don't work. I would feel very uncomfortable having latch key kids which is what they would be, BUT only because mine are very immature and they love having me at home. It so depends on the child, although I think longer periods of time aren't reasonable for any 12 year old.

As for all that stuff about what happened to us in the '70's, as someone else said we are light years away from that time now. My parents' used to drive us all around Europe in an old car with no seat belts in the back, we floated around in a fug of smoke and yes we were fine and survived it (had a fab time in fact) but you would no more do that now than fly to the moon.

MrsKoala to go back a page or so, there were at least 2 posters saying that they waved their families off on two week holidays at the age of 12 or just over, I find that quite incredible even for those 'relaxed' parenting times!

I think I must have been the only child who's parents' worked around us back in the '70's to make sure that we never came home to an empty house and I'm very grateful for that as it was lovely.

As for cooki3 and all the planning, that does come across as dreadfully smug - I don't think many of us plan quite so meticulously for the whole of our lives and even if we did life has a habit of pulling you up short when you least expect it.

I gave up a career in Advert Design to be able to devote myself to my dd. I don't resent it one minute even though it was my ideal job and i loved it. I brought her in to the world and until she is grown up (which is not aged 12 as far as I'm concerned) i will be happy to continue taking on that full responsibility as It was me that brought her into the world.
Dd takes after me and is extremely arty and we are now exploring this together. We LOVE going to the Theatre but that is one of the sacrifices we make.
There ARE lots of free fun things you can do, but at the risk of being repetitive you have to be creative. We did Orange Wednesday yesterday, we do it every half term - £7 for both of us. Our last holiday was a special offer - £79 for 3 nights in a Caravan in South Devon; and tbh I've seen them advertised even cheaper than that! Not Centre Parcs i know but she had fun. The heated pool was great as was the free evening entertainment.
Anyway, that's me done as I think I've said enough.
I'm off now to trawl POF (a FREE dating site) to find a solvent plus 1 so I won't be such a drain on society anymore! ;)
One last thing, maybe the Government could be doing a lot more to help working families whether that's one or two parents and we should all be a lot kinder to each other.

Children are different, but I would not have liked if my mum had given up her interesting, fulfilling career that she loved, just so she could have been there all the time when I was a teenager. That would have made us both miserable and therefore, would not have been doing it properly. She loved her job - still does, now that all kids are grown up; I loved, like alAswad, to be home alone for a few hours. Our lives or relationship now would not be better, if she had given it all up for me.

So what I am trying to say is that all that matters is how OP and her son feel about it. OP knows that her son would be responsible enough not be left alone; if the son also agrees that he's fine, then it's fine.