To have taken down all ds's baby and toddler photos because it causes me actual physical pain to look at them?

[Lovedmywildway]

He was so small and precious and now that time has all gone. I look at him and it actually causes my heart to feel like it's broken, that precious time I will never get back.
I know it's completely linked to my total and utter infertility and that he will be my only one, I'm really struggling to let go. I look at the photos and think how lucky I was then, how happy we were and now everything's just horrible and miserable and dark.

I think you are grieving for that pre school time which has been so special... But you will adjust to a new closeness and joy in his development

So either there's a god who's punishing you (why?) or no god and the futility of living until you stop is overwhelming? Have I got that right?

Let's say there is a god and he's making you suffer. But there is a solution and who's to say facing your fears, going to the gp, overcoming it and finding a path to contentment isn't a path that a god is setting you on. Perhaps the plan is longer than you can know. Maybe 5 years down the line this is important?

OP listen to yourself - you have a whole thread full of people telling you that this is not normal life and that other people don't feel as unremittingly miserable as you do, and you're ignoring every single one of us. Why post in AIBU if you have not the least interest in the verdict? These are calm, well, happy people doing their/our best to get through to you, for the sake of your son if nothing else. In case you overlooked it, you have already received a GP's opinion on about page 6:

'Wildway, I think you need to re-read this thread again.

So many people on here sharing their experiences of depression WHO GOT BETTER WITH TREATMENT.

You need to make that leap of faith and believe us that you do not need to feel like you do forever.

Wrt the NHS: this is exactly the kind of thing that the NHS is for. I am a GP and 1/3 of my workload relates to MH issues. You sound iller than many people I speak to. Go seek help.

I am saying this with kindness and sympathy for your plight, but you are sounding a bit 'scared' about reaching out for help tbh.

Many people deal with adversity but many of those are NOT depressed.
There is a difference between being unhappy and being depressed - you sound very depressed and not 'just' unhappy.

Please read the thread again, particularly those posts of PP with personal experience of depression and how they got better.'

Please, please, get help. I have suffered mental illness and probably would not be here (and happy, and healthy, with two happy healthy children) had I not received medical help. YABU but it's not your fault. You can't get a grip without the professional help you so obviously need. Print off this thread. Highlight your posts. Take it to the doctor's with you. xx

Or show your DH and ask him to help you to get help.

Dh has no hold with people taking anti-depressants.
I mentioned a while back that I thought I might be depressed and he said I had it easy and he didn't agree with anti depressants.

Oh FFS

It's not up to your DH.
It's up to you.
You are an adult. Behave like one.

Please.

In all fairness, it's a bit childish to talk about leaving a thread and wanting to shake the poster, saying she is selfish, needs to get a grip, needs to woman up etc in the same breath as advising her she has a mental illness.

The essence of mental illness is that there may be times when you are TOO UNWELL to have the insight to behave in the most logical or beneficial way. It is also the essence of mental illness that there may be times when you genuinely can't see how what you are experiencing is illness or believe that anything you could ever do could make a difference. These are actually classic symptoms of more severe depression, so if you want to shake someone, kick them up the arse, scream at them or call them selfish for having depression, please try to remember you are illogically arguing with an illness and you might as well want to do the same to a cancer patient who isn't responding well to treatment.

Also, let's be honest, if someone is likely to have a major epiphany from being told online by strangers that they are selfish and need shaking and will blight their child's life, it may be that their depression is not clouding their self-awareness enough to obscure next steps.

I had over two years of intensive treatment from the NHS after Severe PND and am grateful I was never so unwell as to lose all insight, but it recognise this was just blind luck and nothing to do with my personality or approach to depression. It's an illness, people, not about choice or character. I hope OP has people who can support her to take action in real life and/or enable action to be taken if she can't see it herself.

Then ignore him because he is 109% wrong. Get help. PLEASE!!!

100%. Obviously.

Duplodon, it was OP who said she just needed to get a grip. I don't think anyone else said it.

She asked on AIBU for guidance and is receiving it. She may be too sick to follow that guidance but we have to try.

OP, PacificWildway is the GP I quoted.

I have three children and it makes me very sad looking at their baby photographs. I feel incredibly sad that I will never have another baby, and that so many moments of their toddler years were blighted by the exhaustion I felt. I think not a day goes by when we don't regret something that we missed in the past, that we will never have again, to the same fullness.
But, without reading the whole thread, five is very little. I look back at my five year old going to school, coming out of school - those Autumn days. Hardly any homework, lots of stories, easy bedtimes, playing in the bath. Preparing for Christmas, the excitement of toys that they will never have again to the same degree (being teenagers now).

A big hug to you and enjoy every minute of now.

In psychology and psychiatry, anhedonia (/?ænhi?do?ni?/ an-hee-doh-nee-?; Greek: ??- an-, "without" and ????? h?don?, "pleasure") is defined as the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, e.g. exercise, hobbies, music, sexual activities or social interactions.

I get rather angry at people who don't agree or (my favourite) don't 'believe' in AD: they are ONE possible way to help people with depression. They don't change who you are, they don't change what difficulties you are going through and they don't give you a high. They are a tool in the tool box to treat depression. As are talking therapies - there is very good evidence out there that ADs can help many people (not all) and that talking therapies can help many people (not all) and that a combination of both is probably best.

See you GP.
If they diagnose you with 'life' (I doubt it if you are as honest with them as you are here), then you've not lost anything. I'd still suggest you'd then see another doctor, mind…

Yes, you are likely very depressed and that leads to disordered thinking which is what you are stuck in.

Read the thread again - is there a single person agreeing that how you are feeling is 'normal' or 'healthy' or something you just have to accept?
Nope.
There is not.

See your GP.
Behave like the adult that you are.
Even though you don't feel like it and you don't think it will make a difference.
Just go anyway.
Please.

PacificWerewolf even. I clearly need to proofread.

You are ill.
You are depressed and you are grieving.

Ivf is incredibly physically, mentally and emotionally traumatic. People underestimate just how much. It can floor you for years.

I have had 6 fresh rounds of ivf. With miscarriages after two of them. I did not have a child.

To hear someone describe not being able to have a second child as 'chronic and utter infertility' jars quite a bit with me but you're poorly and that's why you're seeing it that way.

You had a baby. He's still your baby. And the fact you can't see that and the way you're blinded by your negative feelings is proof that you aren't well.

Please get help. If not for yourself them for your child.

Also hiding the thread now.

duplodon, you are right - that's the cruel Catch-22 of serious MH issues.

However, wildway has asked for advice.
Many, many posters have given it - all in the same vein. And have given highly personal accounts of their own experiences.

Sometimes a virtual 'good shake' may help. I hope.

DH doesn't have to take them.
although he could use a few empathy pills

I mentioned a while back that I thought I might be depressed and he said I had it easy

If you genuinely do have it easy (not saying you do but just If) and you still feel like you do, that's an even bigger sign that you are depressed and not just having a shit life. The essence of depression is feeling bad out of all proportion to what is objectively wrong in your life. Which sounds like where you are...

and he didn't agree with antidepressants why in god's name not? what is his reasoning? What harm could it do to try them? If they work, well frankly to me that is proof that the patient DID have a chemical imbalance and the ADs were the right treatment to sort that out. If they don't work, then the patient stops taking them and tries something else.

And anyway, your DH's view is irrelevant.

Ah bless ye ! I sometimes look at pics of ds as a baby and feel really sad he won't be that small again but then I point out to myself hel never be as small again as he is today and realise how lucky I am and enjoy my time with him in the now ! Your situation is different though and is rooted in the infertility issue I suspect ! Have u considered counselling ? As while I totally empathise with how your feeling I think you need to deal with it both for your own happiness and your son too he deserves the best of you and you deserve to enjoy him too!

I don't believe for a second depression is primarily chemical imbalance. However, I think ADs can help give you just a fraction of distance from the pain you feel to be able to find a way through it, whatever brought it about or maintains it in your life. I think sometimes that fraction of distance saves lives.

ADs aren't a secondary school debate topic, to be agreed with or disagreed with. I didn't "agree" with needing asthma medication in pregnancy, but tough, without it I and my babies wouldn't have survived. This isn't a matter of belief, opinion or motivation.

duplodon not primarily chemical imbalance but there must be some sort of chemical element otherwise ADs wouldn't do anything. Perhaps it's just a fraction but as you say it's a worthwhile fraction.