To have taken down all ds's baby and toddler photos because it causes me actual physical pain to look at them?

[Lovedmywildway]

He was so small and precious and now that time has all gone. I look at him and it actually causes my heart to feel like it's broken, that precious time I will never get back.
I know it's completely linked to my total and utter infertility and that he will be my only one, I'm really struggling to let go. I look at the photos and think how lucky I was then, how happy we were and now everything's just horrible and miserable and dark.

Which is why I won't go to the gp. They're for sick people not for people who just need to get a grip which I know I do.

You ARE ill. Being ill in your head is no different to being ill in your body and in many ways can be far more destructive.

But there comes a point where, if you dont want to help yourself, there is nothing anyone can do for you. All you need to know is that right now you are shortchanging the child you have. Forget the child you want for a minute and think about the child you actually have, who needs you, wants you to be his mummy, wants to spend time with you, wants you to love him.

For him alone you have a duty to seek treatment.

You are ill.

You need help to get well.

You do not need to get a grip.

If you love your child, do it for them and go to the doctor.

No one on here can help you beyond telling you you do sound depressed and it needs medicating.

I know it is hard to be told things that are difficult to hear but you chose to have a child and with that comes a responsibility.

Go to the doctor today.

You are sick. Very ill actually if you feel that it's ok for you to leave your son behind because you think he doesn't need you and life is so bleak.

The actions you are talking about would be devastating - totally devastating for your child. Far more so than if he or you were to break a leg bu I imagine you'd go to the doctors for that. You have the power to turn things around.

To not even take the first step is so selfish.

Imagine back to your tiny baby. Now imagine putting that tiny helpless baby to the side because you don't love him enough, everything seems pointless and he'll be fine without you. That is what you're doing now. He needs you still. You'll regret this hugely in a few years wen you look back and realise how small he was. Stop this. Go to the doctors.

OP. I understand, I really do. Please go to the doctor. In your place I would make exactly the same arguments; I'd be wrong too.

There are ways to deal with the bleakness that you're feeling but you need help to do so. You're in a spiral of despair at the moment and you need someone to help you break out of it.

Be kind to yourself.

OP, I'm so sad for you on reading this thread. Please do take the advice of others to seek some help.

I have a son a similar age. We too were unable to conceive another. As heartbreaking as that was, we still have a wonderful life with DS. We have fun with him, have great holidays and he loves spending time with us.

There are plenty of situations where it saddens me that he doesn't have a sibling, but we still enjoy life as our little family of three. Your DS still needs you now so for his sake, please do try and get some help and support to work through your feelings.

Did this intense feeling wash over you around the time you began contemplating going back to work?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2218161-To-be-lying-awake-worrying-about-this#50299024

It's natural to feel anxious about imminent change. Going way on holiday when you are so flat was never going to make much difference.

You made a throwaway remark somewhere on this thread, DH is part of the problem.

From another of your threads you said
Dh wants to keep trying for another baby, yet he is also putting a lot of pressure on me to go back to work.

I think you need to look at this apparent conflict of interests with DH. You categorically feel that your family is incomplete. You sound so defeated, I doubt you are emotionally available for your DS. How can you attend to his needs when you are so tied up with your own.

Feeling similar here, same background as you and even though mine is only 2 tomorrow, I'm struggling. Its the no more babies thing and its heartbreaking. Hope you are feeling better soon.

It's become worse with every failed cycle. I felt it before the ivf too though. Probably the last two years or so. Pmt definitely worse since the ivf. I really do feel suicidal around three or four days beforehand.

Sorry to hear you are in same boat littlepeas. There's just no answer to it is there? X

I have a son who is nearly 21. They always remain your 'babies', even if you don't let on to them, believe me! Also, they always need you, even if they don't always admit it.

And, you'll find, from being mega-cute babies, they've turned into mega-cute children. (The teenage years are sometimes a blip, but you'll get through it and out the other side ) Take lots more photos now. In 10 years time, you won't believe how little he looked at 5.

Don't miss this precious time. Your ds is there, right now, in front of you. Please ask for help from your GP, so that you can start to enjoy your life with him again.

Hi loved- I had only read you OP when I posted, sorry about that. I can completely identify with the feelings of grief for lost babydom, but as everyone else has said, there is a lot more than that going on for you. . You deserve to enjoy your life and to enjoy motherhood, and your son needs you to be well so please go and get help. Its really easy to get bogged down thinking about what you don't have, but as you do that, you are missing the good things that are going on now and life (and you son's life) is passing you by. Please please go and see your GP x

I am going to hide this thread too.

I agree with a PP who said you don't have the luxury of going through the motions and 'allowing' yourself to feel however you are feeling.
You are your DS's mother - the only one he's got.

You owe him.
You made him. It took time, effort, emotional and physical energy (and money) to make him. YOU wanted him. He did not ask to be made.
You owe him big time.

Sorry to be harsh.
You must seek help - if you cannot see that you deserve the help, fair enough. But you must seek it anyway - for HIM.

OP, because of your user name, I'm guessing which artiste you are a fan of. Listen to her "Maybe California" - your child will never stop needing his mum.

Talk to your GP. It's only ten minutes - the NHS can afford it, I promise!

OP - the NHS is for sick people, you are sick. Depression is a form of mental illness, if it wasn't, it wouldn't be possible for treatment to make people better.

I understand, I've been there, could it be you don't think you deserve the money being spent on 'fixing you'? That's the depression making you feel worthless.

Next question, is your DS worthless? Consider it to be for him, not for you. Get yourself right. Go on, 10 minutes at the GP, 10 minutes to go and signficantly improve your DS's life and future. Don't make him believe he's not enough.

Get help.

It is the depression talking that is making you feel like you do....from the feeling sad, no joy in anything, everything pointless, same groundhog shit, different day, Christmas/family holiday/anything same old same old, no use, everyone feels down, no one can help. I so identify with all of that. I had that for several years. I would in no way think that there was anything anyone could say or do that would make the slightest difference. I would still be me. Nothing would have changed, so why bother?!

I remember when I finally told the dr and had some counselling during my first session she asked "have you ever felt like life wasn't worth living?" And I sort of chirped up happily "yes!!!" As if she'd been reading my mind and it was more like a "you read the daily mail 20 times a day too?" "Yes, me too!!!" Type conversation. And then she wrote down the number for the Samaritans and I thought Huh.....oops, guess everyone doesn't feel like me! Which is sort of obvious now I'm mostly out of the quagmire and disordered thinking, but seemed perfectly normal to me then. Feeling soooo down, thinking of your exit strategy is NOT what everyone feels. Sometimes people feel down, yes, but it's not their default position.

Even you justifying not going to the dr as it's for sick people....I think it's mostly that you don't feel you deserve to be helped. Infertility is bloody awful - a real downward mindfuck. It messes with your self esteem like nobody's business.

Please think about going to the GP. Counselling was good, but for me actually antidepressants changed my perspective radically, and within a fairly short while. I think that if you've been struggled for a while your happy receptors and ability to make happy chemicals are just so depleted that sometimes you need a bit of a chemical reboot.

Xxx

www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/goldberg.php

Take this quiz...print out the results and take them to your dr.

I find it very very hard to have baby pictures out of DS2 as he has severe autism and his baby pictures remind me of a time when autism wasn't in our lives and we were happy. I couldn't look at them for years without crying- now I just feel sad. I totally understand how you feel xx

I cannot believe that everyone feels any differently. I think that's what is mainly stopping me from going to the gp. Aren't they just going to diagnose me with "life"? Life is crap, that's the same for everyone, surely? I've felt worse the last couple of years for sure but I think I've always felt that everything is pretty pointless, because, well it is isn't it?
One struggle after another? Once I'm back at work that'll be it until I retire, if I make it to retirement since I have a chronic condition which helpfully takes 15 or so years off my life although occasionally I wish it was more. Totally unrelated to the infertility, yes my body is useless on a number of accounts.
I can't see the point of going anywhere or doing anything, the outcome is the same for everyone isn't it? Even things I've vaguely enjoyed like reading, painting and swimming seem pointless.

Still xxx

"Aren't they just going to diagnose me with "life"? "

No, I don't think they will.

But why not go along and see?

Loved it sounds like you've had such a rough time of it. A Dr won't diagnose you with 'life'. They will be sympathetic, counselling and help will mean you can start to make proper sense of everything and get back on your feet, and thy will be happy/happier feet. Most importantly, it will give your little boy his life back.

Is there anyone you can chat to in RL? I know it's hard, but things really could be better soon if you just get some help

His life with his mum is what that should've said!

There's life and there's life. A chronic health condition, secondary infertility and a so so marriage all impact upon you. Sounds like you've had low level depression for years and this has tipped you further in than usual.
Sometimes things have to have a crisis to turn s corner.
Don't assume you know what the gp will say.

Also I suppose I used to vaguely believe in god - which I know isn't the done thing on mumsnet - but I had a vague sort of belief in a higher being.
However before I had ds I worked with people who had abused their children and yet they had child after child.
So I can only conclude that a) there is no god or b) I'm a terrible person.

It was vaguely comforting when I thought there was someone there looking out for us even though I would never have said I was religious.

Loved I am yet another person who will tell you that from your posts here, you sound depressed or chronically anxious (or both). These are both mental illnesses - quite likely caused by hormonal/chemical imbalance which medication could help - not just "life".

Please consider the fact that lots of people on here have told you this. Is it possible they are right and you are not seeing things clearly?

Please go to the GP and tell them how you are feeling. What's the worst that could happen? If I am wrong and they do brush you off, you have lost nothing (although I'd recommend seeing a different doctor in that case...)