To have taken down all ds's baby and toddler photos because it causes me actual physical pain to look at them?

[Lovedmywildway]

He was so small and precious and now that time has all gone. I look at him and it actually causes my heart to feel like it's broken, that precious time I will never get back.
I know it's completely linked to my total and utter infertility and that he will be my only one, I'm really struggling to let go. I look at the photos and think how lucky I was then, how happy we were and now everything's just horrible and miserable and dark.

joining the chorus - you can't 'snap out' of this or have it cured by just talking any more than you can with a physical illness. You have a mental illness, there's no shame. Please, please, please see a doctor and ask for psychiatric help to give you your life back.

QTPie wrong thread?
I bet I know which thread you meant to post on...

I am so sorry you feel like this and would echo everyone else is saying you should speak to someone about it. I wouldn't recommend anti depressants and ime they won't help in this case but they might take the edge off.

Just because other people have bigger problems do not mean yours aren't big to you and don't stop you feeling pain. Other people are irrelevant and I wish people would stop saying it. One child IS lovely but you wanted two, three and that has happened so of course you are sad. In my case the fact I have three children doesn't' stop me grieving for the two I lost.

Stop beating yourself up for your perfectly valid reasons.

Put up some recent photos, plan a special day the weekend to make more lovely memories and just be kind to yourself. You matter too.

Ah crap, it was me who was confused - apogees to QTPie and the OP

PacificWerewolf - .

Just ignore me….

OP, I really think you should get some professional help. They won't make the 'problem' go away but they will give you tools to deal with your sadness.

You have been given lots of helpful advice on this thread but unfortunately there are a few shocking replies as well. I know posters mean well but I think some replies demonstrate a complete lack of understanding. The posters telling you that you are ungrateful for what you have are simply unkind.

Good luck OP.

The hierarchy of grief is pointless. My father, who I was very close to, commited suicide the day before my 16th birthday. I found it hard to listen to people at school who were upset because their parents were getting divorced but I eventually realised that the worse thing that ever happens to someone is the worst thing that happens to them, regardless of how it compares to your worst thing.

OP: the point of getting counselling is to enjoy life with your child. He needs you. He is the point. You won't be able to shake this off alone.

Please go and see your GP. It is not normal to feel like this and you need help to get better - have you done this NHS self assessment test, if not do it now and take it along with you to your GP. I hope you will get some help and soon be feeling better.
www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/depression.aspx

OP,I strongly recommend CBT, I had it recently and it's really helped with feelings similar to the ones you describe in your OP

I think some help would be a positive step.

FWIW, my mum sodded off. I'm 35 and I so often feel that void of not having one so often - I have always needed a mum, you and your DS are lucky to have each other. There are lots of special times to come if you put into that relationship.

Wise words from blueemerald - I eventually realised that the worse thing that ever happens to someone is the worst thing that happens to them, regardless of how it compares to your worst thing Very true.

I have a friend who has no children and she would love to have one. She would probably be jealous of OP having one child. However, I have teetered on the brink of depression in the past and the one thing I do remember is that counting my blessings didn't work at all. Yes, on one level, I knew that I was lucky to have X, Y, Z, but none of that mattered or offered me any comfort at that time

Now that I am mentally fit and well again, I recognise that some aspects of my life aren't entirely 100% perfect, but I'm able to take it in my stride, accept it and deal with it

OP - another vote for counselling / GP / outside help. And please don't destroy the photos - you may wish to look at them later. Taking them down is enough for now if that's what you feel you need to do

I've been thinking of you today OP. I hope you've had a lovely restful Sunday. Sending you a big hug and hope you can speak to some one soon to start healing x

We have gone away for a few days which I hoped might help but it hasn't. Ds is too old to really want to go away with us, it'd be different if he had a sibling to play with but instead he's stuck with us. When he's a bit older we might be able to take a friend with us but he's at that inbetween age. Too old to want to do stuff with us but too young to have a friend come away with him.

Keep seeing happy looking families with their little ones. Either they've more than one child or they've got a little one and no doubt will have more children.
I wish we hadnt come away actually, it's been a waste of money.

You really need to get to the doctors as soon as humanly possible, this is serious depression.

He is 5, he is not too old to want to be with you. That wont happen for another 10 years!

You really do need treatment for this, it isnt going to go away on its own, if anything it will just get worse.

PLEASE go to the doctors, today if you can.

Yes, please listen to Bogey. What you are experiencing is not right. There is help out there for you. You deserve a better you. So does your family.

Please go to the doctors and ask for help with what seems like serious depression.

Your five year old isn't too old to spend time with you. He will have had a lovely time with his mummy and daddy.

You DO sound depressed. Please see your GP for a referral for some counselling or help. If you carry on like you are you are missing out on enjoying who your DS is NOW,..as well as grieving for the baby he was.

You deserve to feel happy and do not need to have these thoughts but you need to get some help to sort it all out

Why not try allowing yourself to feel this? It is perfectly OK to be very very sad and also even angry that this has happened to you. Never mind that other people have much worse things happen to them.

I too have secondary infertility and have one DS. He also has a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD so I don't even have the experience of raising one "normal " child (whatever that means!). DS is now 9 years old and I still occasionally fall into pools of real sadness and despair as to how my life turned out. Overall though I have come through the really bad times of grieving for him being an only and also for his diagnosis. Mostly now I just love him and make the most of what we have.

Do get your hormones checked out as has been suggested and look into things like mindfulness. I have found this quite useful to help me gain a different perspective on things. You know life is not always easy for a lot of people but really what makes us who we are is how we take the things that happen to us and how we let them shape us.

You have one child and from what you say will be unable to change that, but how you live your life with one child will affect how that child grows up and the relationship you have with him long term.

The serenity prayer is really really apt for things like this, it really is. You don't need to believe in God, just the sentiment

"give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change those I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

You can't change that you only have one child but with some courage you can change many other things about your life. You really can. At the same time allow yourself to grieve for what you couldn't have. You can grieve and be kind to yourself and be brave as well. All of these are possible at the same time, they really are.

It's just hard to find things for ds to do, everything would be much more fun for him with a playmate. It's tricky to know where to take him. I think with a girl it's not so bad but I reckon by about 7 or 8 that'll be the end of 'family' holidays.

You deserve to be happy again op.

You sound incredibly depressed (understandably so IMHO) please please don't spend your ds' childhood unable to enjoy it because you are ill.

Everything you are writing about how are you feeling and how you are seeing things could have been me when I was pretty much suicidal. Honestly both drugs and preofessional support can make a huge difference.

Now my dc are pre-teens and older I've been very shocked at how much they still need me to be a "mum" and be involved in their lives, want cuddles and nurturing etc.

OP, my son is 9 and his idea of heaven is doing things with me! He likes playing with me, he loves the undivided attention. Sure there are times when he wants to play with others but not all of the time.

It seems like you are writing off his childhood because it hasnt included a sibling, almost as if you are fast forwarding him to adulthood so you can close the lid on being a parent as it ddint work out the way you wanted it to.

Please please see a doctor.