To have taken down all ds's baby and toddler photos because it causes me actual physical pain to look at them?

[Lovedmywildway]

He was so small and precious and now that time has all gone. I look at him and it actually causes my heart to feel like it's broken, that precious time I will never get back.
I know it's completely linked to my total and utter infertility and that he will be my only one, I'm really struggling to let go. I look at the photos and think how lucky I was then, how happy we were and now everything's just horrible and miserable and dark.

Depression is such a terrible illness it sucks the joy out of everything and on top of that stops people even recognising it for what it is, it keeps people mired in despair by making them feel that there's no hope of change that this is the way things have to be, it tells them that if they tell other people they will be unsympathetic and judgmental, it makes people feel like they are weak for having it and just need to 'get on with things' or 'pull yourself together'. Please see your GP Lovedmywildway, you sound like you've had a terrible time lately but you can get through this and enjoy your life and your son.

The feelings you are talking about go beyond 'normal' sadness and anxiety, you need help to get to a better place mentally.

I would suggest you see your gp and tell them how you are feeling and pursue that option of counselling. It's not about 'whingeing' too someone about your problems, it's about coming to terms with your loss and so you can move forward and really enjoy the wonderful growing child you have.

Your son will always need you, always. You are his rock and will continue to be so for many, many years. You will be the one to guide him toward adulthood and support him through the challenges that brings.

I agree word for word with everything Bulbasaur said above. I would add that at this point you may be beyond a point where counselling alone can help, and there is no shame in taking anti-depressants.

Most people do not feel this way. I grieved for the lack of the 3rd and 4th child I desperately wanted but couldn't have due to illness, but it didn't diminish the joy I found in the two children I do have. I find new things to love about the experience of parenting them at each and every stage. Likewise my older nieces and nephews bring as much joy as the toddlers. Even if you had had more children they would still be racing towards adulthood. Parents need to hang on, appreciate every moment and enjoy the ride. Professional help will enable you to do that.

OP, I am sorry you are feeling this way and I think you should speak to a GP. It is not about whether your "problems" are less or more than others, it isn't baout just counting your blessings and getting on with it, you have a lot going on and it is taking its toll on your mental health and that is NOTHING to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. It sounds like you are experiencing anxiety and depression in some form and there are things that can help.

People who say "but now can you be depressed, look at your great life!" Just don't understand mental health at all. Yes, there are people worse off than you, and people who are so, so much better off (on paper) who will suffer depression and anxiety.

Infertility is a really difficult issue and I do think you would benefit from some counselling, I think your first step is to visit your GP.

You really don't want to look back in 10 years time and realise you didn't enjoy your son's primary years because you were too busy worrying about him growing up xxx

I'd give my left arm to be blessed with ONE child. I'd cry huge tears of relief and joy .. I'd think I was the luckiest person in the world.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I don't understand threads where people who have had children get so upset they can't have more.

You're incredibly lucky to be a parent. Realise this and be grateful, thankful and try and find contentment in this.

Your child will feel this too from you. Be careful. And leave the baby pics up - imagine how your child will feel with them gone?

Count your blessings and speaks to a professional if need be x

X-post with 'Part of the reason I won't go is nothing anyone can say will help. It won't make me pregnant. I just need to get a grip of myself.'

When you are depressed - as many of us believe you are - you can't get a grip of yourself. You need professional help.

You've been trying alone - has it got better? Or are you still feeling that there's no joy in anything and the world is a dark and dangerous place and your son will die and leave you alone? You're not sad at the loss of your fertility, you're deoressed to a point where you can't enjoy the son you do have. Please don't regard seeking help as weak or pointless - do it for your son as well as for yourself.

I've watched my friend go through this, op - for a minute I thought you were her.

I'm another one suggesting you have a chat with your gp or your ivf clinic. Sadly, they can't make you pregnant, no. What they can do though is help you to accept that and help you move on and make peace with that. There's no shame in needing a helping hand with that.

I don't doubt that secondary infertility is hideous and mis understood and hits you hard. Please don't suffer in silence my love, please get some help so that you can enjoy watching your DS grow up.

Touchofnatural I felt the same before I was lucky enough to get my LO. That just the one child was enough. But it's not. I hate how other people can choose to have or not have more children, when I have no choice at all. I cried about this just the other night.

That said, my LO is the light of my life and what the OP is feeling is not normal (I get the occasional pang of sadness/weepy night, but nothing like what she described). OP, as others have said, you should see your GP.

Touch that is totally unnecessary. When I had DD I had PND. I wished she would go away, and I wasn't grateful in the slightest for having her. That was because I was ill. I couldn't just try to find contentment in my situation, because I was depressed. These sorts of feelings are outside of your control, it doesn't matter one jot if someone else considers you to be luckier than them.

OP, it's not normal to feel like this. it sounds like you are grieving for the life you thought you would have. You need to allow yourself time and please go and see your GP, they can help.

I've felt like you. I was clinically depressed with a large side order of anxiety disorder. You must see your GP. You don't have to feel so wretched. Your ds is 5, he needs you. My eldest ds is 14, and he still needs me. Their needs change as they grow, but are still important. I wanted another child and was unable. The pain nearly broke me. You have to be proactive and find a way through or it will drown you. Book in to see the doc, talk to your husband, hold your son tight. You can do this.

I still wish we could have another, and ivf DS is 7. Occasionally i shed a tear or two, even now.

I did say to OP to speak to a professional if need be.. Totally get that people have PND etc.

I have friends who do not have PND though who then complain and bemoan they fact they don't have their 'perfect family'... Or they want a boy and a girl and end up with two boys.. And are upset. As someone who had IVF many times and who would like ONE child, of any gender, just a child that is mine... I feel like shaking them to see and appreciate what they DO have.

I don't have photos of my ds as a baby to be able to take down because I don't have any. Ds never came to live with us until he was wwalking/talking.
I understand you are grieving for the baby you'll never have again but remember you have had it. Your ds still needs you for so much.

You have to get help else you are going to look back when he is a teen and have no photos/memories of him from this age because you are so caught up in your grief.
I'm not saying I understand, I don't. I have not had the magic of giving birth to a child, having them with me from such a young age. But there comes a time when you have to accept what you do have. Counselling definitely helped me.

Op just wanted to add my sympathies & reiterate what others have said. You say part of the reason you won't go to a counsellor is that it won't make you pregnant so what's the point?

I can understand this but it might be able to alter your outlook enough so that you don't feel so hopelessly down & can get some happiness back in your life. You and your family deserve that so please at least try talking to someone ASAP. All you have to sacrifice is the time to do it & be honest with them that you don't want to be there-believe me when I say they are very likely to help you. Really be kind to yourself atm & take care x

Touch is not being harsh at all. She is expressing her view in a kind way. There are always people worse of than yourself.

You do not need to 'get a grip' - you need to be very kind to yourself.

It worries me to read that you feel unable to enjoy anything and that what you are feeling about your DS no longer being a baby and no future being v likely is 'tainting' everything in your life.

This inability to enjoy even things you previously might have enjoyed is known as anhedonia and can be a sign of depression. You should consider speaking to somebody in RK about it.

Also, you say 'there's worse things in life' 'people have bigger problems than I' - yes, there are and they do. BUT - this is your cross to bear. Don't minimise how painful it is and how badly it's affecting you. This is your life and your feelings and your pain.
By all means vent on MN, but do consider doing something about it in RL too.

You don't want your DS picking up on your unhappiness - his growing up is Good Thing and in the natural order of things. He deserves to have it celebrated, not regretted.

I don't think building a hierarchy of grief is very helpful to the OP.

Lovedmywildway - something inside you has broken and you need help fixing it. You'd go to the GP if you'd hurt your hand or you couldn't turn your head wouldn't you? This is no different, truly.

You need help. I have felt the way you're feeling in the past. But with ADs and counselling, I'm in a much better place now. There's no shame in asking for help. Mental health is just as important as physical wellbeing.

I'm so sorry you're going through it - it's such a dreadful way to live.

Your lovely beautiful son is only FIVE.
when I read your op I thought he had died or was over 16 and about to leave home.
Your son needs you now. You must seek help to come to terms with your situation because your little boy needs you. Really, deeply needs you for emotional support as well as practical. He might be toilet trained and able to feed himself but he is not ready to fend for himself.

Please please please seek help for you to enable you to enjoy the rest of his childhood.

You sound incredibly depressed. Please seek help so you don't look back in regret at not enjoying this new phase of your son's life.

From the perspective of a mum and granny, I can tell you that there is pleasure to be had in all phases, from newborn, teens to adulthood. Honestly. You just need the clarity to appreciate it. And I have experienced trauma, bereavement and clinical depression, so, no rose-tinted view here.

Get help, don't waste another moment.

Please get some counselling you sound extremely down....

Don't take the photos down ....your dc will ask you where he has gone....

I hope you have RL friend or family to confide in.

I have been in similar situation to you OP (not IVF but pregnancy losses after dd) and I have been depressed, had medication and counselling. I am through the other side now and feeling much, much better. I still feel a bit sad about it sometimes but I can cope with it now.

I urge you to please go to your GP, you most definitely sound as if you are suffering from depression. It will help.

Hi Loved
I did something very similar when I had pnd and the feeling of 'impending doom' was also always there.I think you should speak to your doctor as it does sound like you might be struggling with depression rather than 'just sadness' (sorry struggling to find a better turn of phrase and in no way want to minimise anyone else's pain).
Hopefully you can get some help. Thinking of you.

OP, if a friend of yours had a bad back you would tell them to go to the doctor wouldn't you? It wouldn't matter that other people have worse problems or that solving the bad back problem wouldn't solve another painful problem in their life?

Infertility causes pain. However, if the pain is making every other aspect of your life feel meaningless and you can't find joy, that is a medical condition and you are entitled to help.