Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken down all ds's baby and toddler photos because it causes me actual physical pain to look at them?

195 replies

Lovedmywildway · 25/10/2014 22:29

He was so small and precious and now that time has all gone. I look at him and it actually causes my heart to feel like it's broken, that precious time I will never get back.
I know it's completely linked to my total and utter infertility and that he will be my only one, I'm really struggling to let go. I look at the photos and think how lucky I was then, how happy we were and now everything's just horrible and miserable and dark.

OP posts:
blueemerald · 25/10/2014 23:03

You need to seek some help. There is no point comparing your problems to anyone else's. Your worst day is your worst day regardless of what someone else's worst day might look like. Your 5 year old child is still very very small and a long long way from those teenage years and I don't want you to regret time wasted. I don't have a solution but a counsellor/gp will.

YonicScrewdriver · 25/10/2014 23:03

And well done on getting a job! It is hard when you feel so low, it is a real achievement.

At 5 DS would be in school a lot anyway and you will have a bit more time (and money?) to plan some fabby times in the holidays.

Please do talk to GP though.

Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 25/10/2014 23:03

I know the Ivf has messed my hormones up a little because I never used to suffer with pmt but now two or three days a month a can barely stop crying, it's hopeless. I guess three cycles in 9 months will do that.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 25/10/2014 23:08

Nothing brings me any joy in life. I just wait for each to to be over and then do the same thing the next day, and the next, and the next.
I kind of assumed everyone felt like that? That's just life isn't it? One crappy event after another?

It isn't normal my lovely. You sound very depressed and you should speak to your GP early next week. Thanks

Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 25/10/2014 23:11

But doesn't everyone feel a bit 'what's the point?' Because what is the point?
I can't exactly explain it better than that except to say I can't ever see anything being any better. Generally why do any of us bother? What is the point of anything?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 25/10/2014 23:14

No, not generally and when I have I've had depression and I've needed anti-depressants to get me better.

Bulbasaur · 25/10/2014 23:15

But doesn't everyone feel a bit 'what's the point?' Because what is the point?

No, not everyone feels like that. Depression is a common thing, so you're not alone in that respect. But mentally healthy people do not feel that way.

The point is to enjoy life and take it a day at a time. Otherwise, you're missing the best years of your son's life. You'll look back and realize you didn't even enjoy what you did have.

You do need to get help. If not for yourself, for your son. Your son needs a happy mother that enjoys the time she does have with him.

iwantbeer · 25/10/2014 23:16

Please speak to your GP. Irrationally anxious and feeling no joy in life was how I felt when suffering PND. It took me a long time to get help and I wish I had done it sooner.

Cabrinha · 25/10/2014 23:17

I have more PMT now - not just tendency to tears, but for example sore breast when I'm due on. Before IVF I had really irregular periods and had no idea when I was due on. Post pregnancy they're more regular and boy do I know!
So it might not be IVF - for me I think it's either pregnancy, age, or just a change that would have happened anyway.

You really do sound depressed - I really hope you see your GP.
With the school start and you going back to work - this is the moment that you are having to confront have one child only.

Which is fine. But no shame in needing help to get to that feeling. Can you get back in touch with your clinic? Might be useful to see their counsellor who will have lots of infertility experience.

worriedmum100 · 25/10/2014 23:17

OP, I couldn't read this and not reply. I understand how you feel. I feel it too. We have so far been unable to have a second child. My ds is 3 1/2 and I can't think about or look at picures of his babyhood without breaking down. I still try to have hope but it's very very hard and it sounds like your hope has left you and you're faced with a kind of grief for the loss of the life and family you thought you'd have. I hope you have support in rl. Please talk to your GP.

And to the pp who told the OP to count their blessings - just don't. Secondary infertility is awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If you don't think people with secondary infertility don't feel terrible guilt every day about not being "satisfied" with the one they've already got you are very very wrong.

thecatfromjapan · 25/10/2014 23:25

No, everyone does not feel like this. Your depression is preventing you from living right now. You are doing something like murdering the present, moment by moment.
I have deleted what I initially wrote because I worry you are vulnerable. At the same time, I think you need to understand how far from normal you are. I think you need help.
Do you have anyone looking after you?
I really feel for you. I think you need a hug, a good dose of love, some luck, and a good dose of hope.
There is so much joy to be had in this world. Some of this is for you: it will come. It may even be there, now, waiting for you to lift your head up and see it.
I feel so sad for you being in this awful place.
Please get help.
God luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2014 00:11

You need to reconsider counseling. I really think it will help.

Counselors are not 'strangers', they are trained professionals. Trained to listen and help you see things clearly.

Look at it this way. If you were having chest pains would you not go to a doctor because he is a 'stranger' and you are 'whinging'? Of course you'd go. Well, you are having 'heart pains'. So go see a trained professional and get the help you need to be happy again.

Your darling son needs a happy mummy. Not an unhappy, sad mummy.

TheWhisperingDeath · 26/10/2014 00:20

YANBU.

I watched some video footage of my newborn recently and felt like I was grieving for a part of my life that has ended.

I fought so hard to get pregnant and was over the moon to have a baby, but the time really did whizz by.

It's a cliche to say 'treasure every moment' but it is something we should all do. If I had a time machine I would go back and cuddle my tiny baby again.

Now, when I sit and cuddle my child, I close my eyes and try to capture the feeling, so that if, one day when I'm old and alone, I can remember exactly how wonderful a feeling it is.

Lucie99 · 26/10/2014 00:39

You say nothing brings you joy in your life but what about your five year old? Does he not bring joy?

TooManyMochas · 26/10/2014 04:41

OP, please do go and see your GP. I'm not in anyway dismissing your legitimate sadness over your issues with infertility, but something else is going on here. I've had depression and everything you post sounds so familiar.

merrymouse · 26/10/2014 05:10

Flowers OP YANBU, but agree with everybody else that you are suffering from depression and anxiety and you don't have to cope with that alone.

CheerfulYank · 26/10/2014 05:25

Doesn't everyone feel like that?

No. No, honey. I don't feel like that. But you know, when I was deeply depressed, I did.

There is a way out of this darkness. It doesn't feel like it, but depression is a liar.

You can be happy again, like you were before. It will be different but it will be happiness.

paxtecum · 26/10/2014 06:13

Loved: if you are refusing to have counselling then go and see a herbalist who will be able to rebalance your hormones. But not a chinese herbalist - they use steroids.

Holistic hypnotherapy and Mindfullness should help you too.

Posting on her was your first step to getting better.

Yardarm · 26/10/2014 06:22

I think many of us have irrational feelings as fas as our DCs are concerned because they are so precious to us. I agree that you seem to have signs of depression, which is so common in mums of young children, so please do see a doctor. But enjoy your little boy. You have many years of joy ahead with him. Boys are so loving and funny and affectionate and you have the opportunity to create many years of good experiences, happy memories for you both as well as a strong relationship which will endure if you keep it strong as he grows up. Spend time with him, do things with him, make the most of these precious years.

JsOtherHalf · 26/10/2014 06:30

3 cycles in 9 months is more than my ivf clinic would have let you have- they advised no more than 5 cycles in 24 months.

No wonder you feel like you do.

Get to your GP, with a copy of your posts on this thread printed out if you find it difficult to talk.

tobysmum77 · 26/10/2014 06:38

op you are clearly not well and need some help.

All this 'count your blessings' stuff there is someone worse off than everyone unless you are on your own starving in a war torn area. It doesn't mean that problems people have arent distressing and real.

Thumbscrewswitch · 26/10/2014 06:45

Another one who really thinks you need to see the GP about depression because your posts sound like you are in the depths of it at the moment.
Your reactions are beyond "normal" to your situation, and whether this is in part due to the hormones or not, you need to see the GP and discuss it.

If you have to take antidepressants, it isn't forever. Look at it like a plaster cast for a broken leg - you wouldn't try and walk on a broken leg without extra support, would you? No, you'd take the temporary support until your leg was mended. Same thing. xx

Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 26/10/2014 07:41

I had short protocol, my clinic only asked for one cycle between each attempt.

The clinic were initially optimistic because we had had a previous pregnancy and I'm relatively young. They gave us odds of around 50%. So this time last year I was thinking that surely by this christmas I'd be pregnant. Three cycles at 50% - ok it's not definite but it you flip a coin three times probably at least once you'll get tails.
However with each cycle our odds decreased until basically the clinic said that unless we use a donor forget it. They also suggested I have a lapocrosy as they think I've been left with problems from my emergency c section. But I think with starting a new job I won't be able to have that so I think going back to work is probably whats tipped me over the edge. Last failed cycle was August so I feel like I've hit the ground running and haven't had time to pause for breath.

Thank you for all the kind words. Barely anyone in real life knows because people do tend to think or say 'you've got one child be grateful.' I am grateful! But I can't help longing for another baby, the desire is just as great as it was when I wanted a baby first time round. Practically everyone I know this year has got pregnant or had a baby and it's just been so hard.

OP posts:
LittleMissDisorganized · 26/10/2014 07:50

Most IVF units have counsellors/psychotherapists attached to them because it is so common to feel like this. That might be your best first avenue of support.

I am "childless by circumstance" for want of a better phrase and once I could face that, then I found material I could work through by myself useful. Secondary infertility is not 'easier' necessarily than primary, just different. Please, for both your sakes, look into some help to change your thinking.

Original poster
Lovedmywildway · 26/10/2014 07:57

I think we would have to pay now though - you got three sessions included in every cycle but I didn't use them. It wasn't convenient even if I had wanted to. The clinic was an hour away and sessions were in the evenings.

Part of the reason I won't go is nothing anyone can say will help. It won't make me pregnant. I just need to get a grip of myself.

Sorry to hear of your difficulties too Littlemiss. X

OP posts: