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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To HATE the way my friends educate their children?

758 replies

Littlefrenchmummy · 25/10/2014 21:25

I love reading things on mumsnet, especially this section. Today I was confronted with a situation that happens so often in my life and really gets me angry... You ladies are very honest so tell me if Im being a bitch or if you would feel the same.

Today my husband and I caught up with some old friends, like us they have a 4 year old boy. From the minute we met to when we left he trantrumed. He cried for EVERYTHING and not once was disciplined. (By that I dont mean punched in the face btw, I just mean told to behave).
He cried because he could only use his bike and not his scooter (sat on the pavement and screamed for 10 mins while we waited. Eventually parents gave in).
He cried because we crossed the road before him.
He cried because we were talking.
He cried because he couldn't get juice at the restaurant even though his parents were ordering him the juice.
He stood on tables, rode his scooter in the restaurant, shouted constantly.
He wouldn't speak to my son, only watch cartoons on his parents phone, wouldn't share the crayons to draw even though he didn't want to draw.
Kicked his brothers pram while he was sleeping. Etc etc... And all his parents were saying was "OH NO, if you do this again we are going to get cross!"

I just can't bare it. Its so horrible to sit through this, you can't have a conversation, my son isn't having fun, people at the restaurant are staring. I never want to hang out with my friends again. I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I have so many friends like them... so so many. Some worse, some less, but the result is the same: hanging out with them is painful. People who think you dont need to educate your children, that they have 'difficult' kid who cry a lot. They think its normal that if their child screams their name in the middle of a conversation, 10x times during 1 conversation, they should always stop and say yes darling instead of teaching them not to interrupt and wait while adults are talking.

I know some children are more difficult than others and that disorders exist. One of my son's is difficult and has a terrible character, still he doesn't behave like this. If I let him he would but I dont. I also have friends who have children with disorders, but in the cases Im talking about, its just complete lack of education.

Im loosing so many friends over this. I stop answering calls and make excuses not to hang out with them because I can't tell them how to educate their children. Who can tell a mother in the face that you dont like their child's behaviour? How awkward would that be?

We have made such a cut in our friends and now I am so picky. it sucks !
But why aren't people educating their children to behave?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do other parents feel like this?

OP posts:
goingmadinthecountry · 25/10/2014 22:57

What kind of nutter would even let a child near a scooter in a restaurant? Like LaQueen we've left a few meals early. I even cancelled a weekend away to NY once. Result? My 4 children have all grown up with good manners and an ability to mix with all kinds of people.

baskingseals · 25/10/2014 22:57

I think you get at least a tenner for that tethersend.

southeastastra · 25/10/2014 22:57

i do think mnetters live in a bubble that represents 5% of the uk population, open your eyes people, you have youngesters running off too join isis and yet you worry about table manners? wake up

tethersend · 25/10/2014 22:57

Thanks usual.

Make it €15 though, DP is French Grin

rosdearg · 25/10/2014 22:58

But children don't live in restaurants, do they. expecting them to behave a certain way for an hour a month is not sad. If your child really, really struggles with them, then you can always socialise at people's houses with gardens, or even restaurants / pubs with gardens, and kick them out to run around when they hit their limit. You can't spend your life being howled at in restaurants, never ever finding out the hilarious punch line to your friend's anecdote. Because that is bloody miserable.

Troublesometrucker · 25/10/2014 22:58

Annunn of course there is reason not to take a 4 year old to a restaurant... Totally depends on the child. I got lucky with my first 3. The 4th... Nope, thank god it's not compulsory to take him to restaurants.

SirChenjin · 25/10/2014 22:58

So don't take your 4 year old to a restaurant if they can't cope with them - but if you do, and they starts kicking off then the answer is NOT to sit back and let them misbehave in the way the OP describes.

No-one on here is claiming to be a parent perfect of perfect children, and they can all be utterly ghastly at times. To allow your child to behave in the way the child in question did, with no consequences or intervention, is just shoddy, lazy parenting.

Pipbin · 25/10/2014 22:58

They modify their own behaviour at a very young age. Nothing sad about it - it's completely natural.

I taught reception last year. You wouldn't believe the number of times that parents were surprised when I told them how well behaved their child was at school as this was at odds to their behaviour at home.
Children can and do modify their behaviour.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:59

No one commented on the dickhead comment because they were too busy congratulating themselves on their wonderful parenting.

southeastastra · 25/10/2014 22:59

yet remembers to pass the port to the left

CalamitouslyWrong · 25/10/2014 22:59

If you're a play specialist then you should know that young children are quite sophisticated social creatures and are capable of very nuanced social play. They can act out a range of different situations, many of which are based on real life experiences, and they can modify their behaviour in line with their role play situations. They can do exactly the same thing in 'real life' situations.

You'll also know that different types of play behaviour are acceptable in different situations.Riding a scooter is a lovely play activity in the park. Colouring in is a lovely play activity in a restaurant.

The phrase 'children should be children' is genuinely meaningless.

Annunziata · 25/10/2014 22:59

The exception proves the rule though, troublesometrucker!

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Troublesometrucker · 25/10/2014 23:02

Yes.. However I only found that out, because I took him to restaurants a few times. Perhaps the child OP mentions isn't usually taken to restaurants to practice their behaviour?

still not saying the behaviour was fine, but that will be missed..hey ho

Onepot · 25/10/2014 23:03

woo it depends on the four yr old. My ds is a real foody he loves going to restaurants and cafes, dd on the other hand no chance. With dd i actively avoid going anywhere even food shopping as her behaviour is challenging out and about, yet at home she is fab but ds at home sends my blood pressure through the roof, and yet out and about he's really well behaved!

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 23:04

Because obviously my kids had no respect for me because I didn't march them out of a restaurant for daring to make a noise.

minifingers · 25/10/2014 23:05

OP - well done for you for sitting and judging and feeling superior while your 'friends' (who you clearly don't actually like) struggle with their parenting.

Really - just don't go out with people who don't parent the way you do.

You clearly have no tolerance or respect for those who don't get things right all the time with their children.

Sad
WhiH2Osky · 25/10/2014 23:05

"With our older DC, we won't discipline in public.
Later in the privacy of our home they are disciplined. I wouldn't humiliate them in front of their friends."

You wouldn't "humiliate" them? Is that what they call telling a child off these days? Oh dear me! What about the fact that they might have publicly humiliated you with their bad behaviour?

Annunziata · 25/10/2014 23:06

Perhaps the child OP mentions isn't usually taken to restaurants to practice their behaviour?

Maybe he wasn't, but it won't have been his parents first time in a restaurant, so they should still be able to use their brains and say it is not acceptable for him to stand on a table or scooter, they should have asked OP if they would mind leaving early.

Is it only me then, who really doesn't have a problem with the fact her children have a healthy level of respect for her, and prefer not to invoke her displeasure, if possible

Grin

No, I do too. I think you sound very sensible.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 23:06

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who called my 4 year old a dickhead.

thecatfromjapan · 25/10/2014 23:07

The dickhead comment is very strange, isn't it?
What an odd thing to post on a parenting forum.

minifingers · 25/10/2014 23:07

"But, when it came to instilling good manners and teaching them appropriate social behaviour...yep, I was bleddy fantastic"

Not all children are as malleable as yours.

What do you do with children who WON'T stay in line?

I had one of those. The other two you could take anywhere.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

southeastastra · 25/10/2014 23:07

it's the importance mn places on good table manners as opposed to worrying about the bigger picture

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