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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To HATE the way my friends educate their children?

758 replies

Littlefrenchmummy · 25/10/2014 21:25

I love reading things on mumsnet, especially this section. Today I was confronted with a situation that happens so often in my life and really gets me angry... You ladies are very honest so tell me if Im being a bitch or if you would feel the same.

Today my husband and I caught up with some old friends, like us they have a 4 year old boy. From the minute we met to when we left he trantrumed. He cried for EVERYTHING and not once was disciplined. (By that I dont mean punched in the face btw, I just mean told to behave).
He cried because he could only use his bike and not his scooter (sat on the pavement and screamed for 10 mins while we waited. Eventually parents gave in).
He cried because we crossed the road before him.
He cried because we were talking.
He cried because he couldn't get juice at the restaurant even though his parents were ordering him the juice.
He stood on tables, rode his scooter in the restaurant, shouted constantly.
He wouldn't speak to my son, only watch cartoons on his parents phone, wouldn't share the crayons to draw even though he didn't want to draw.
Kicked his brothers pram while he was sleeping. Etc etc... And all his parents were saying was "OH NO, if you do this again we are going to get cross!"

I just can't bare it. Its so horrible to sit through this, you can't have a conversation, my son isn't having fun, people at the restaurant are staring. I never want to hang out with my friends again. I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I have so many friends like them... so so many. Some worse, some less, but the result is the same: hanging out with them is painful. People who think you dont need to educate your children, that they have 'difficult' kid who cry a lot. They think its normal that if their child screams their name in the middle of a conversation, 10x times during 1 conversation, they should always stop and say yes darling instead of teaching them not to interrupt and wait while adults are talking.

I know some children are more difficult than others and that disorders exist. One of my son's is difficult and has a terrible character, still he doesn't behave like this. If I let him he would but I dont. I also have friends who have children with disorders, but in the cases Im talking about, its just complete lack of education.

Im loosing so many friends over this. I stop answering calls and make excuses not to hang out with them because I can't tell them how to educate their children. Who can tell a mother in the face that you dont like their child's behaviour? How awkward would that be?

We have made such a cut in our friends and now I am so picky. it sucks !
But why aren't people educating their children to behave?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do other parents feel like this?

OP posts:
nooka · 27/10/2014 06:30

Well no because I know nothing about that particular four year old. However the OP said it was a issue with many of her friends children and many others on this thread have also spoken quite generally about their fantastic parenting and how their death stares, threats and other disciplinary methods worked so well and should be applied by everyone else (so long as they are prepared to work hard at parenting that is).

Some parents are ineffective. Some are lazy. But some have difficult children who the traditional methods don't work for. Many at four may have as yet to be diagnosed special needs.

When my two were very small we had a friend who we thought was insufficiently fierce with her badly behaved little boy. A few years into primary school and he was under the care of specialist CAHMS team with a diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder. It was the much more disciplinarian approach of his father that was considered problematic by the mental health team, not her gentle but not terribly effective approach.

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 27/10/2014 06:38

Nooka I hear ya.

However people will all moan now about "bringing SN into everything".

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 27/10/2014 06:42

On MN, since most children are NT its more likely that hard to discipline kids are all brats, so it must be assumed this is the case. And woe betide those who mention otherwise.

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 27/10/2014 06:44

Unless parents are shouting away and making a big show of disciplining and punishing the child, in which case it's OK as "at least they are trying".

pictish · 27/10/2014 07:26

Aye...but you're talking about seeing a badly behaved child while out somewhere, and having us all down as self congratulatory parents who think our child would never do such a thing, without taking into account what they might be struggling with as a family and making a snap judgement that has the observer polishing their mummy medal.
I agree that attitude stinks. In all honesty I take very little notice of OPC and their children while we're out and about. I'm scant interested, and it's none of my business anyway.

What I'M talking about is people I know. People that none of you hand wringers have ever met, but I have.
Parents who I have been friendly with, who will not control their children, because they either can't bear to be the bad guy, or they genuinely don't see a problem with their kids' behaviour ("she's just that lively you know?), and think that it's ok for the entire afternoon to revolve around their rude demands for attention, while they thump hell out of MY kids.

You'll just have to take my word for it, seeing as you never met them and you weren't there.
I'm not going to made to feel guilty for bodyswerving an afternoon of lily livered, needless hell.

Some parents are shite, and some kids are horrible. Suck it up.

pictish · 27/10/2014 07:27

OPC and their parents that was supposed to say....

Inkspellme · 27/10/2014 07:42

Totally agree Pictish. I ignore anything going on with families I see out and about having stuff going on with their kids because I am aware that I don't know the reasons for why anyone is behaving a certain way.

However, I do judge the parent whom I know has tried no consequences for any misbehaviour other than the "please don't do that" or even worse "mummy will get cross". The couple I know will always say "you're so lucky" to other people whose children do behave. They genuinely seem to think it is luck entirely.

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 27/10/2014 07:57

Some parents arent shite and some kids have SN. Suck that up.

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 27/10/2014 07:58

And now am off to work so not getting into it.

Said my piece.

lemonpuffbiscuit · 27/10/2014 08:00

With badly behaved kids it's not the child's behavior that I judge but the parenting style. But I also understand that things like hunger and exhaustion can make a usually well behaved child turn into a monster

It's very different with people I know with children with SN. It's been really lovely to see my friends who have a daughter with newly diagnosed ASD receive parenting support and advice from Ed Psychs - they now have lots of parenting 'tools' to work with

I have four very nice well behaved children. They still have odd moments but we don't tolerate poor behavior. One bad moment led to us calmly and quietly up and leaving a cafe last year. On a separate occasion my children whinged and snapped through a cafe visit making a rare treat unenjoyable, so they had to cover the cost of their cake and squash with their savings. They agreed it was a fair punishment and have been great in cafes since.

pictish · 27/10/2014 08:02

Who said otherwise?

But the in the case of the parents I'm referring to, that was not the scenario. Like that or lump it. Makes no odds to me.

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 27/10/2014 08:07

Yes there is such wonderful parenting support for all people with young kids with sN

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 27/10/2014 08:09

Just going into work.

People may benefit from reading the this is my child campaign section on "not all disabilities are visible" before having a judgyfest and moaning that people mention SN.

That is all.

NickiFury · 27/10/2014 08:11

I have two dc with ASD and in five years since the first diagnosis I have yet to receive any useful "advice" for professionals. It's usually me advising THEM!

hazeyjane · 27/10/2014 08:11

Pictish, I understand that you are talking about the parents you know, but a lot of the posts on here are people talking about behaviour they see out and about, and on those occasions, as you say, people don't know what the circumstances are.

sr123 · 27/10/2014 08:18

In my experience it is unusual to get help with parenting techniques when your child is diagnosed with asd. Usually you are just left to get on with it.

OfficerVanHelsing · 27/10/2014 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 27/10/2014 08:30

Yes they do...but in the meantime I'm not going to sit there and watch my child get walloped, shouted at, snatched from and ordered around like a serf, while I can't hold a conversation, just to appease some little tyrant who rules the roost.
Seeing as I can't just ditch my kids at the side of the road when I want to see my friend, I'm left with little choice but to avoid the scenario completely.

Maybe you're happy to spend your free time having a shit afternoon. I'm not.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 27/10/2014 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictish · 27/10/2014 08:37

And to clarify, in my 13 years as a parent I've known four ineffective parents, and withdrawn from two.
Rather than tell me I'm OTT, why not equally assume that I'm not a drama llama, and thought it through before making a decision based on the circumstances?

Life is too damn short.

OfficerVanHelsing · 27/10/2014 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury · 27/10/2014 08:43

I've been a parent for 11 years and I can honestly say I have never met a child who was so badly behaved that I couldn't stand to be around him/her and their parents. I've never seen standing on tables, scooting in restaurants and we eat out a lot. Maybe my tolerance levels are sky high because of my own dc SN but I do think there may be an element of wanting to tut and judge in some people, in that it justifies there own choice of parenting methods.

NickiFury · 27/10/2014 08:45

You actually sound extremely sensible to me Officer Smile, fwiw.

NickiFury · 27/10/2014 08:45

Their not there! Shock

lemonpuffbiscuit · 27/10/2014 09:14

My friends have been very proactive and paid for SN advise/support. I think free nutritional and behavioral support and advice for all parents would be much more beneficial then free meals for all infants. Yes of course free school meals are essential for low earners but there's a whole heap of middle class parents getting an unnecessary freebee. Waste of cash really.