To HATE the way my friends educate their children?

[Littlefrenchmummy]

I love reading things on mumsnet, especially this section. Today I was confronted with a situation that happens so often in my life and really gets me angry... You ladies are very honest so tell me if Im being a bitch or if you would feel the same.

Today my husband and I caught up with some old friends, like us they have a 4 year old boy. From the minute we met to when we left he trantrumed. He cried for EVERYTHING and not once was disciplined. (By that I dont mean punched in the face btw, I just mean told to behave).
He cried because he could only use his bike and not his scooter (sat on the pavement and screamed for 10 mins while we waited. Eventually parents gave in).
He cried because we crossed the road before him.
He cried because we were talking.
He cried because he couldn't get juice at the restaurant even though his parents were ordering him the juice.
He stood on tables, rode his scooter in the restaurant, shouted constantly.
He wouldn't speak to my son, only watch cartoons on his parents phone, wouldn't share the crayons to draw even though he didn't want to draw.
Kicked his brothers pram while he was sleeping. Etc etc... And all his parents were saying was "OH NO, if you do this again we are going to get cross!"

I just can't bare it. Its so horrible to sit through this, you can't have a conversation, my son isn't having fun, people at the restaurant are staring. I never want to hang out with my friends again. I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I have so many friends like them... so so many. Some worse, some less, but the result is the same: hanging out with them is painful. People who think you dont need to educate your children, that they have 'difficult' kid who cry a lot. They think its normal that if their child screams their name in the middle of a conversation, 10x times during 1 conversation, they should always stop and say yes darling instead of teaching them not to interrupt and wait while adults are talking.

I know some children are more difficult than others and that disorders exist. One of my son's is difficult and has a terrible character, still he doesn't behave like this. If I let him he would but I dont. I also have friends who have children with disorders, but in the cases Im talking about, its just complete lack of education.

Im loosing so many friends over this. I stop answering calls and make excuses not to hang out with them because I can't tell them how to educate their children. Who can tell a mother in the face that you dont like their child's behaviour? How awkward would that be?

We have made such a cut in our friends and now I am so picky. it sucks !
But why aren't people educating their children to behave?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do other parents feel like this?

No amount of death stares, whatever they are ,would have stopped my DSs tantrums.

All my grown up children are my friends.

I admit I'm quite odd by MN standards though.

"Hard graft" "grimly" "death stare"

I do find the language you use to describe parenting your dc really depressing LaQueen.

Of course parenting is sometimes hard work!

I get very annoyed with the "lucky" comments too. I have (a) a blended family where all the DC get on beautifully and (b) a bilingual DD who has two fully functional mother tongues. According to many people this is all down to "luck". Ha ha ha.

I do the death stare thing at the DSSs. It works like a treat (and makes them blush in shame).

I agree with NickiFury.

Some children are easier. If my two DDs had been born first I might have been embarrassingly smug about how well-behaved they were.

Fortunately I had my two boys first and learned the hard way that sometimes no amount of strategies, tactics and taking them out as newborns will make any difference to the outcome.

We are not really a nice relaxed family though. We are a bit lairy TBH.

Some parents do grate though. One has described their child as "self-directed" recently. I see the child as insistent on getting their own way and then indulged by the parents. My only answer is to minimise contact.

YANBU. We're doing everything we can to educate our children that this type of behaviour is unacceptable.

"But I believe that many parents just aren't that bothered, and so don't make much of an effort".

I actually believe the direct opposite and that most parents are doing the best they can. I also think it's rather limited and arrogant to believe that most parents could keep their children in line if only they would be open to terrorising their kids with the frequent much lauded "death stares".

Personally I don't like staring at my kids like I hate them, they've both got ASD anyway so wouldn't be able to process it so maybe that's why I am reluctant to employ it.

Your way worked for you. That would not work for me and my family, it would not work for many other families because of different personalities and family dynamics. I think it's far too easy and pretty unpleasant to be as judgmental as some of you are. It's a good thing you've all "cut out" spending time with families that don't choose to parent the way you do because that way they can find what works for them without your judgement, it must be a real relief for them.

Exactly. You put in the groundwork and make sure your DC understand the standards you expect of them. It does get easier to enforce them as you go on. That is not, however, down to luck.

My best was probably shit by your standards LaQ, but you know, I managed to raise them successfully to adulthood without a death stare.

And that's good enough for me.

I have put the work in, and , in the main , my children are well behaved in restaurants . We did not eat out much when the DTs were 2-3, because it was a struggle. I still use the death stare, 2 15 year olds and. A 17 year old. Occasionally need a reminder not to use their phones at the table or not to serve themselves the last portion. But it really ticks me off when family members with rampaging children say' it's alright for you, yours were well behaved at thAt age' Yes FFS it's because we put in the work, expected good behaviour and followed through on consequences .

Yes, yes, I have read your descriptions of your infamous death stare many times on here. I get it, and still think it's pretty negative. I won't deny a "look" has its place but your constant referencing of yours alongside the negative language you use when describing how you parent your children is something I find quite sad and I would hate to feel that way about parenting mine.

Good parenting is subjective? Agree but so is "bad behaviour" in a child.

My Mum would love this thread. She often boasted about how well brought up and respectful we were. As soon as we could support ourselves we were off like cheetahs because she was a harsh disciplinarian who cared more what strangers thought than about her own kids. My sibling and I barely speak to her anymore. And yes she just LOVED the "Death Stare".

Even I can do a death stare, and I'm about as commanding as a soggy sack of spuds.

It's not about terrorising, it's about expressing disapproval. Perhaps 'Paddington Hard Stare' would be more palatable than 'Death'