To HATE the way my friends educate their children?

[Littlefrenchmummy]

I love reading things on mumsnet, especially this section. Today I was confronted with a situation that happens so often in my life and really gets me angry... You ladies are very honest so tell me if Im being a bitch or if you would feel the same.

Today my husband and I caught up with some old friends, like us they have a 4 year old boy. From the minute we met to when we left he trantrumed. He cried for EVERYTHING and not once was disciplined. (By that I dont mean punched in the face btw, I just mean told to behave).
He cried because he could only use his bike and not his scooter (sat on the pavement and screamed for 10 mins while we waited. Eventually parents gave in).
He cried because we crossed the road before him.
He cried because we were talking.
He cried because he couldn't get juice at the restaurant even though his parents were ordering him the juice.
He stood on tables, rode his scooter in the restaurant, shouted constantly.
He wouldn't speak to my son, only watch cartoons on his parents phone, wouldn't share the crayons to draw even though he didn't want to draw.
Kicked his brothers pram while he was sleeping. Etc etc... And all his parents were saying was "OH NO, if you do this again we are going to get cross!"

I just can't bare it. Its so horrible to sit through this, you can't have a conversation, my son isn't having fun, people at the restaurant are staring. I never want to hang out with my friends again. I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I have so many friends like them... so so many. Some worse, some less, but the result is the same: hanging out with them is painful. People who think you dont need to educate your children, that they have 'difficult' kid who cry a lot. They think its normal that if their child screams their name in the middle of a conversation, 10x times during 1 conversation, they should always stop and say yes darling instead of teaching them not to interrupt and wait while adults are talking.

I know some children are more difficult than others and that disorders exist. One of my son's is difficult and has a terrible character, still he doesn't behave like this. If I let him he would but I dont. I also have friends who have children with disorders, but in the cases Im talking about, its just complete lack of education.

Im loosing so many friends over this. I stop answering calls and make excuses not to hang out with them because I can't tell them how to educate their children. Who can tell a mother in the face that you dont like their child's behaviour? How awkward would that be?

We have made such a cut in our friends and now I am so picky. it sucks !
But why aren't people educating their children to behave?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do other parents feel like this?

I don't go clubbing or play drinking games with anyone Coolas because that is not my thing. But my sister does that with her friends and her DDs.

I do the same things with my friends as I do with my DSes, eg DS2 wants to go to see a film, he asked me to go with him rather than a friend.

DS1&DS2 are great friends too, as well as being brothers.

Obviously as they are 20 and almost 18, they go out and do things with their friends, too.

pictish he has lots of friends. He is incredibly popular at school.

Just to be clear, here, he is incredibly protective of me because I am disabled. He has a caring and empathetic nature and is hoping to go to uni, to be a nurse, hence why he is usually around me, helping me out and caring for me.

Isn't it true of everyone that we can only go on what they say? But believe me,there is absolutely no embellishment of what I am saying. I am lucky. I have great kids, like many, many other people. And most of it is just that, luck!

Ok dokes.

Coolas do you invite all your friends along to everything you do? Why can't one group of friends do one thing, and another do something else?

DS2 went to a concert with his friend and his mum, and another with a friend and her dad, because they wanted to see the band! How is that odd?

One thing is for sure...there are more and more mega spoiled kids these days and you see it everywhere...it is tiring...
Those parents don't understand that if they are ok with their little darlings jumping on them, screaming at them, spilling their drinks, throwing their food...I am not!!! Others are not!!!

I've seen some appallingly behaved French (and Spanish, and Italian...) children. In my experience, the British don't have the monopoly on ineffectual parenting.

The relationship changes as they gt older though. My 17 year old dd and I are like friends some of the time but there is still times where I have to ay "dd, that behaviour is unacceptable. If you continue to do it blah blah will happen". So at that point we are not friends ( this is clearly shown by the look on her face lol). When I see her with her friends I realise it is a different friendship. But then, I don't have a lot in common with a bunch of 17 year olds but I do like them. When asked she would say that she likes my friends but has nothing in common with them. sounds normal to me!

This thread has now been completly sidetracked - whoops!

Are you SURE he has no SN? A lot of the behaviours sound familiar to me. I get judged to fuck by other parents all the time. Yay! Maybe some of my friends are going to start avoiding me because of my shit parenting. Wonderful.

YANBU I am a teacher so experience a range of different behaviours. It's amazing how much difference birth order makes and how very often the children's behaviour and personality is affected by the way that parents speak to the children. I know it's an obvious point but I think that sometimes people can be really unaware of how confusing the messages are that they are sending to their children.

I think:

1. children sometimes misbehave in social situations because they know you won't want to make a scene , they know when they are just being placated .

2. with a new baby the boy may well be showing some interesting behaviour . They are perhaps trying not to react and make it an issue.

3. they are probably knackered

My children are well behaved but we tend to stay away from restaurants and leave cafés pronto if they start to get too boisterous.

I hate parents who make a show of disciplining their children in front of others.

Yanbu

I'd love to know what your friends really think of all your parenting.

I bet they don't all think you are as good at it as you think you are.

I don't think I have any friends who I think are bad parents. We might not always do things the same or totally agree but we all have our up and down moments. The OP obviously needs to find new friends who parent as well as she does.

Our friends have often commented how lucky we had been with our son as he was so much easier than theirs.
EASIER! Like he was born with the ability to say please and thank you?
Our son is not easy, he has proved to be very hard sometimes like every child.

Are your children born knowing not to throw food at people for example? No. The first time they did it you explained.

I'm not perfect and neither is my parenting and I'm fine with people disagreeing with the way I do things. I never challenged that.
My question was is it ok for parents to let their children rule their life and make the decisions? The complete lack of consistency is that normal? "If you bite this little boy again we will go home " and never follow through is that the norm now?

I hate that and was wondering if that was just me

When I was a child my mum was my mum. As an adult, she was still my mum, but the relationship developed and to me, that's fantastic. She was still my mother, but we were equals as women.

I'd have been privileged if she called me her friend. I think she might have done, but I can't be sure. She was a good friend, undoubtedly better than me. That was my mum. Nature's diplomat.

Your relationship with your parents grows and changes and sometimes that's good or sometimes it's not. But they do and there's no point denying it. I'm glad that my mother and father both encouraged me to speak to them as an adult rather than infantilising me. Sadly, my father died too young for that to be fully explored.

OP, climbing on tables and scootering around restaurants is not good, but surely you knew that before posting. Calling a four year old child a dickhead is a little eccentric. But maybe it was lost in translation.

Ds2 has been going to the local pub to eat since he was about four days old (he didn't eat, obviously, we did) and now at 3.1 he will sit really well when we go out to eat. He doesn't run around, he eats with his cutlery, and drinks nicely. That's in part because of his personality, but also because that's the behaviour we've expected of him the whole time. So we made the effort to instil it. We've left meals half eaten, left parks when he's been tantruming, and he's a delight. As he's still young, he has his moments. But he knows if he doesn't behave he will go into time out, and then we will leave. We've not had to leave anywhere in a long time.

Ds2 is 9 months so it'll be interesting to see how he gets on when he's older

Totally agree - DC are not born knowing anything ,its up to us to teach them.
For example,my DC were taught from the start that we sit down to eat whether it is lunch, dinner or a picnic . No running/roaming around with food.
Every single meal they were expected to sit at the table ( or on a picnic rug) and not mess about.

I have friends whose DC got up and down from the table every 5 minutes and a child once came for tea and walked around with his food . He was astonished when I told him to sit at the table
Its not rocket science !

OP YANBU !

I don't have kids but I've worked as a nanny and there are a lot of kids in my family.

I definitely dread the day I have to spend time with friends when they do have children if they can't behave. I could almost tell you now which friends I think will parent like I would (probably a bit of a hard ass...firm but fair and still lots of love) and those who'll be very laid back. Probably a lot of tongue biting will be required!

All children display bad behaviour at times for different reasons. But the sheer soppy ineffectual responses of some parents really suggests that they have no understanding of the impact their children have or that they should be doing something to socialise their children.

We have a relative with lovely children, for the most part, but as they grow up, certain behaviours which might be excusable in younger children remain and are making the children unpleasant to be around. And it's due to setting absolutely no boundaries, giving in to any and all whining and pointless negotiation (always won by the children). It actually makes you have less respect for the parent and pity for the child. It's not good news.

I'd find it very hard to remain friends if this happened repeatedly.

I teach my children to be polite and have good manners. Obviously they are children and this sometimes goes out of the window but they do know how to behave.

How does your child react?

yanbu op. Distance yourself.

Seems to me that all MN children are very well behaved with perfect parents and everyone elses kids are 'dickheads' with shit parents.

It's quite funny really.