To HATE the way my friends educate their children?

[Littlefrenchmummy]

I love reading things on mumsnet, especially this section. Today I was confronted with a situation that happens so often in my life and really gets me angry... You ladies are very honest so tell me if Im being a bitch or if you would feel the same.

Today my husband and I caught up with some old friends, like us they have a 4 year old boy. From the minute we met to when we left he trantrumed. He cried for EVERYTHING and not once was disciplined. (By that I dont mean punched in the face btw, I just mean told to behave).
He cried because he could only use his bike and not his scooter (sat on the pavement and screamed for 10 mins while we waited. Eventually parents gave in).
He cried because we crossed the road before him.
He cried because we were talking.
He cried because he couldn't get juice at the restaurant even though his parents were ordering him the juice.
He stood on tables, rode his scooter in the restaurant, shouted constantly.
He wouldn't speak to my son, only watch cartoons on his parents phone, wouldn't share the crayons to draw even though he didn't want to draw.
Kicked his brothers pram while he was sleeping. Etc etc... And all his parents were saying was "OH NO, if you do this again we are going to get cross!"

I just can't bare it. Its so horrible to sit through this, you can't have a conversation, my son isn't having fun, people at the restaurant are staring. I never want to hang out with my friends again. I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I have so many friends like them... so so many. Some worse, some less, but the result is the same: hanging out with them is painful. People who think you dont need to educate your children, that they have 'difficult' kid who cry a lot. They think its normal that if their child screams their name in the middle of a conversation, 10x times during 1 conversation, they should always stop and say yes darling instead of teaching them not to interrupt and wait while adults are talking.

I know some children are more difficult than others and that disorders exist. One of my son's is difficult and has a terrible character, still he doesn't behave like this. If I let him he would but I dont. I also have friends who have children with disorders, but in the cases Im talking about, its just complete lack of education.

Im loosing so many friends over this. I stop answering calls and make excuses not to hang out with them because I can't tell them how to educate their children. Who can tell a mother in the face that you dont like their child's behaviour? How awkward would that be?

We have made such a cut in our friends and now I am so picky. it sucks !
But why aren't people educating their children to behave?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do other parents feel like this?

pibpin - getting someone else's child to behave is much easier than getting your own child to behave when they are tired/hungry etc.
In that situation the child seeks as much attention from their parents as possible to make them feel better when they are feeling rubbish. and the easiest way of doing this is to act out (which is why it's called acting out - they are acting out how they are feeling)
That emotional connection isn't something the children are seeking in a group situation.

If someones being a dickhead they are being a dickhead, why filter it for a forum of adults? Its not like she told the boy be was a dickhead.

Ok re the dick head comment please dont read into this. Its really rude I understand but I was just saying he was being a complete idiot and tried to emphasise just how bad he had been and what that attitude made him look like. The point of this thread is what do you think of the behaviour and what would you do not my choice of words.

And yes its true French people do swear more, but we have great cheese and cakes we make up for it ! ;)

And children who don't throw food

just to add most I and many teachers use 'the death stare'. Although maybe death state isn't the best term to describe it. Its more a semi intense serious expectant look which silently and calmly requests children check their behaviour and not mess around. It isn't frightening and requires no pointless shouting.

laqueen I agree. All the hand wringing over 'dick head'. I would view any child as vulnerable and in need of protection and preservation, but don't expect me to like them all.
I have a choice as to who I spend time with - and drippy parents with ill mannered children don't feature highly.

Can I ask parents of boys if the following behaviour is just 'boys being boys'; Raaaring in my/anyone's face?
I have girls and I know quite a few boys between 3 and 6 who do this. I absolutely hate it, but the (otherwise good) parents always seem to turn a blind eye.

I think calling a 4 yo a dick head is beyond the pale, tbh. We can all see his behaviour wasn't great, but it was his parents who were being dick heads, not him!

I never had a "deathstare", I didn't need too. I never smacked, screamed and shouted, ranted, rarely confiscated gadgets or phones. I was lucky that my kids have got personalities where they are eager to please and incredibly easy going. They don't even fight with each other.

I didn't have a deathstare when I taught nursery either, and I had no problem at all with getting 25 2 and 3 year olds to listen to a story.

I think you can be friends with your DC. I have a great relationship with my DC, my eldest is away (he's been home for one week since early July), we chat on the phone nearly every night for well over an hour. My youngest is my shadow, is always seeking my advice and calls me his best friend.

When I was little, my mother was volatile and bad tempered. She didn't speak, she shouted we never knew her mood, and yes she had a deathstare. I was having none of that for my kids.

Tbh what gets my goat the most is 30 second videos of badly behaving kids on fb posted by ppl who don't have children claiming there's no way their kids would EVER be able to behave like that.

I think you can have well behaved children and not be hollering the word 'no' at them all the time. Distraction, prevention, positive direction or making things into a game often works - so 'we need to line the shoes up at the door now' as the dirty shoed boy enters the house or 'Yes you can jump on the sofa after you have taken your shoes off'

Arethereanyleftatall: that's being a dinosaur!!!!

Going back to the original post I can't help noticing that it isn't that the op found that her child would never behave like that but far more that the parents haven't seemed to set any boundaries for him. I was left with the impression that she would have been far more understanding of a challenging 4 year old if the parents had been seen to try to address the behaviour but they simply weren't. It's the lack of addressing the behaviour that would make me leave a friendship rather than having a 4 year old who was playing up. If they are not going to address it then well, they are probably never going to.

Slate me if you want - I don't care - but the parenting style of "darling, please don't ride your scooter around the restaurant or mummy will get cross" makes me laugh. It's so pathetic.

To answer your question OP I think the child's behaviour sounds apalling, the parents sound a bit hopeless and I would reduce contact or see them only without kids.

YABU. Children are growing and learning and parenting is hard at times, especially in public. I wouldn't want to be around a friend with your attitude like yours. Using the phrase 'terrible character' about your own child and 'dickhead' about someone else's child speaks volumes about your own character i'm afraid OP.

I'm sorry but it is never right to call a child a dickhead. Would you all allow your children to use the word in general conversation?

arethereanyleftatall - it's common, but that doesn't make it pleasant.

My eldest did a bit of that when he was wee, and in the case that they are in an appropriate environment having it reciprocated gleefully by the other child(ren), it's ok.

I also said a lot of "does xxx look like she's enjoying that? Then why are you doing it?" (cross face)...and "stop making that dreadful noise this minute!" (cross face)
He wouldn't pursue it.

marthabear perhaps read the thread before posting

Something which I find a bit redicilous of UK childcare however is that nurseries (well my kids one and the one I worked in) won't say no.

On the open day the nursery manager proudly told us that they don't use any negative reinforcement and not the N word. Having mixed race kids I nearly choked for a moment till I realised she meant no.

I really have no objections to the word NO being used towards my kids. I use it... They're not stunted or suffering for it at all.

I do wonder if some new parents learn these nursery rules and apply them at home rather clumsily thinking it's expert advice

I have perfected my 'death stare' - it's now a single raised eyebrow and almost always means that DD stops what she is doing immediately, and looks at me as if butter wouldn't melt. At least she stopped though

She's not scared of me, but I know I can take her to any restaurant, from Pizza Hut to a Silver Service Dinner and she will act appropriately. She also knows the word "No" means that if she carries on and does whatever I've said no to, or if she keeps mithering me about it then there will be trouble.

I've seen a number of close calls in pubs/restaurants - one I posted about here when a waitress ended up quite badly burnt thanks to a child careering into her full pelt when she was trying to deliver a meal. I've also seen the "Now don't do that, it's not nice" style of ineffectual parenting that drives me batty, especially when the child is putting himself in danger but mum doesn't want to say "No" to him.

I'm not perfect, DD has been a Hellwitch this week, but it will be dealt with.

The nursery I was a supervisor of did say no.

I worked in a Montessori one for a short time, they said no, too!

I'm glad to hear it fairycaravan! Wish my kids one did.

Though they had other redeeming features which is why we sent them there

YADNBU OP.

I am starting to develop my own death stare, and I am heartened by the effect it has. Asking DD if she needs 'time out' also has the desired effect.

I wouldn't willingly spend time with parents who are an ineffectual as you have described.

troublesome trucker - why do you watch those youtube videos? â?º