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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

do I really only know parents of bright dc?

187 replies

m0therofdragons · 22/10/2014 23:02

Judging by fb posts after parents evening, everyone's dc are classed by the teacher as very bright. How is everyone above average - clearly that makes no sense! I don't mention that kind of thing on fb but teacher always seems surprised that I'm not delighted my Dd is very bright. Well of course I am but I just don't know if it means anything. Yes I know her levels but maybe the rest of the class is doing better so it's hard to know what it really means. It all sounds good but maybe I'm just an excited proud parent like everyone else. Or maybe I just know a lot of geniuses .

OP posts:

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 23/10/2014 04:02

People who post on fb to say 'OMG I'm so thrilled, teacher says my PFB is very bright, top of the class' are smug twats.

In my experience, (I have three DC all secondary age or older) teachers tend to tell virtually everyone their child is bright, or unless they are very clearly as thick as mince and even then they might still be told they are bright in some areas.

I think 'bright' is used as a catch all term for 'perfectly normal and not requiring any extra help in any area.' It's to make you feel satisified, so that you go away and don't bother them endlessly with your 'concerns' about what they see as non-issues.

BasketzatDawn · 23/10/2014 04:31

It's maybe a case of parents just hearing what they want to hear. I've been to countless parents' evenings and we maybe got told once or twice one ds (who IS very bright) was getting extra work to 'tax' him a bit more, but I'm not sure a great emphasis was put on his brightness. He has always been very confident of his ability and maybe didn't need to be told.

I think as a parent one of the hardest things is to balance the needs and expectations of more than one child, esp. where ability levels differ. We have 4. Two have SNs. ds3 above found school work fairly effortless and was a happy but sometimes cocky child. He's now 19 and at uni. ds1 hasn't got SNs but found some school work harder - and he somehow lacked the confidence that ds3 was seemingly born with. They are all lovely young men. I would say that, wouldn't I?!

I think what I'm trying to say is that 'talent' and ability aren't all there is to childhood. There are so many other qualities that need fostering - like kindness and humility, having a sense of humour, about yourself as well as others. I do worry about the 'FB generation' and their parents sometimes.Glad to say, I don't do FB so can only imagine all this.

MexicanSpringtime · 23/10/2014 05:05

I used to be a supply teacher in private schools here in Mexico and I was amazed at how inflated the marking was. Then I remembered all my friends telling me about how well their children were doing at school. Straight tens!
Well in the classes of little geniuses I taught, nearly all of them were straight tens. That was when I decided that my dd was definitely not going to a private school. If there were problems I wanted to hear about them, not be lulled into a false sense of security by the commercial interests of a private school.

x2boys · 23/10/2014 06:38

It seems there are only parents of very bright kids on here too judging from this thread! Unfortunately my kids are not so bright I have one struggling academically and one who has ASD and learning difficulties and goes to a special needs school is settling in well and communicating more however from his parents evening yesterday !

Coolas · 23/10/2014 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 23/10/2014 06:46

Most children who are "ahead" or "gifted" are just slightly faster developers, and by the time they reach 18 it all evens out. There are exceptions, but they're rare. Just because you're a year ahead of your peers at 6 doesn't mean you'll be three years ahead at 18, and even if you are, what of it? Most people who do degrees young regret it, and a quick read of university child protection policies makes it clear that Ruth Lawrence style pushy parenting is going to be rarer in the future.

QueenofLouisiana · 23/10/2014 06:54

I think it's all about what parents filter out of parents' evening chats. We could tell you that DS is in the top group for maths, very good at reading, has lots of friends and tries to keep focused. Alternatively we could tell you that he has been kept in to redo his work at lunchtime as it was a lazy mess, that he needs a kick up the bum to actually do his best and that he needs additional help with spelling.
All of which we were told this week, none of which has gone on FB. I don't think people go on FB swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

Taffeta · 23/10/2014 06:58

I don't agree that most are labelled bright by teachers.

I have one that works very hard, is driven and picks stuff up quickly. When he was in Reception they called him bright, now they say he's "very able".

I have one that is working at national curriculum expectations for her age, and always has been. No one at school has ever called her bright or able. They instead comment on her nature, and non academic stuff she is good at.

Some school related stuff has happened recently to make me incredibly proud of both of them, but I wouldn't dream of braying about it on FB.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 23/10/2014 07:22

I wouldn't dream of braying about it on FB.

Do people actually do that? How horrible.

x2boys · 23/10/2014 07:43

Some people do but those that think Its too crass just bray abou their exceptionally bright children who are on the gifted and talented register doing fifteen GCSE,s at six etc on mumsnet it seems! Judging by this thread anyway!

EugenesAxe · 23/10/2014 07:46

I saw my DSs teacher before his work yesterday, and the way she went on he was doing fine (which I suppose he was, being 4 and a few weeks in).... blah blah loves to learn.

Then I saw his work, could hardly make out any copied, written words, saw comment of 'very poor pencil grip, lacks concentration' in his writing book, drawings barely present, if legible. He is doing reasonably at reading and can work out logic puzzles well... but honestly on the whole I was completely underwhelmed. I was alone in the classroom and beating myself up about wanting to confirm my thoughts that generally he would be well behind his peers by flicking through some other books... my overriding honesty and respect of the other children and parents meant it was never a serious notion, but it took a while for the 'respect to him and knowing it will do fuck all to help' side to catch up with calming my internal struggle.

I am a bitch - sorry; I know it's very early days. But basically YANBU, the really bright sparks will probably belong to parents that are shutting up not wanting to burst the glowing bubble of pride coming from all the parents of average children that have been spun some yarn of academic excellence.

LemonadeRayGun · 23/10/2014 07:51

I love this thread. A brilliant, let's moan about how people boast about their children being bright, while also slipping into our posts how bright our children are...

I actually enjoy FB the few days after parents evening. I love the diffent ways people approach posting about how amazing their little darlings are. The blatant "wow proud mama after that teachers meeting, my daughter is so amazing!", the "teacher doesn't seem to know my child at all, she says he is helpful and polite and really well behaved! Lol lol!", and my favourite "why do teachers insist in focussing on levels? I genuinely don't care that he is well above average in maths and science, and has a reading age of 15, all I want to know is that he is happy!"

We had parents evening last night. None of you need to know whether my kids are above average or not. So I am not going to tell you. (Which no doubt means everyone assumes I'm the parent of the thickies)

Greengrow · 23/10/2014 07:55

I have not had a teacher in 25 years at my children's academic private schools saying they are really bright actually. One got 31% in his recent test. It must be a nice problem to have - teachers saying your children are bright.

x2boys · 23/10/2014 07:56

Precisley lemonade!!

QuillPen · 23/10/2014 07:57

Well my boys are average...

Maybe there is something wrong with me as a mother- should I be considering them exceptionally bright??

Or something wrong with them. They are just (ab)normal average children. They appear to be the only ones on this thread who ARE.

Xenadog · 23/10/2014 07:59

As a teacher and mum to a 10mo DD I can honestly say the type of child I would crow about (on FB and RL) is one who has a pleasant attitude, tries hard and is a bit of an all rounder. They don't have to be particularly talented or bright but just a good individual.

Bright is such a subjective term anyway and tbh one person's bright is another's dullard.

I would hide all FB posts from people who drone on about how bright and clever their offsprings are - mainly because it's just boring.

socially · 23/10/2014 07:59

Knowing the class position is meaningless. She could be bottom in a bright class and still be "brighter" than if she was at the top of a less academically able bunch.

Most teachers are positive at parents evening. If there's a problem in school, parents evening is not the place to first discuss it.

ginslinger · 23/10/2014 07:59

if I ever used FB I would make pretty sure that I only ever mentioned the A grades and not the time that I'm sluicing the bathroom because of eldest DS being as pissed as a rat or the time I had to deal with DD having shoplifted something from a local shop. No, it would be look at my extremely bright and clever children all the way.

EmmaGellerGreen · 23/10/2014 08:00

Well my son is very dim and the school takes great delight in telling me at any opportunity. So threads like this make me as cross as the Facebook posts really.

Taz1212 · 23/10/2014 08:03

I have one bright child and one perfectly average child. Despite this, the average child gets heaps and heaps of praise poured onto her at parent's evening. She has wonderful spelling! Her reading is fantastic! Her maths is above what would be expected at her age! Sounds great, except I know exactly where her brother was at that age and she's nowhere near it. It's nice to hear and she works very hard so we're pleased with her progress, but she's nowhere near as "bright" as the conference makes her out to be.

Taz1212 · 23/10/2014 08:05

Oh, and her spelling isn't wonderful- it's really quite crap!

rallytog1 · 23/10/2014 08:06

It's starting earlier and earlier... one of my fb friends posted from her 20mo ds's nursery parents evening, saying it had confirmed what she already knew about how gifted her ds is.

I will never use social media to comment on my dcs' academic achievements (or lack thereof). Fort one thing, can you imagine the pressure it puts on a child to have these publicly flaunted standards to live up to?

Taz1212 · 23/10/2014 08:08

Oh and again, bright is all relative. My "bright" child is now at an academically selective school and he's still very good at English but is decidedly average at everything else I still think of him as bright, though!

Whocansay · 23/10/2014 08:09

I think all children are good at something. If parents want to be proud of their children and tell people about it, what's the harm?

claraschu · 23/10/2014 08:15

If you bray about the achievements of your brilliant PFB, your friends can enjoy sneering at you. If you complain that little Molly was caught vandalising a bus shelter, your friends can sympathise to your face and tut behind your back about your overly permissive/outrageously controlling parenting style.

Either way, you are a boon to society, because as far as I can see everyone enjoys judging other parents. We start by criticising our own parents, always a fun topic, and just go on from there-

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