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AIBU?

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Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:
BrendaBlackhead · 21/10/2014 19:14

I don't think you should stand by friends no matter what. What if it transpires someone is a paedophile? I remember reading about some bloke in the art world who had abused his stepdaughter amongst others and his wife was astonished that his pals (including women) closed ranks and supported him, so I suppose some people do value friendship above all else.

Anyway, the OP's friend is far from this but still I couldn't help but be disapproving of her actions. And, as others have noted, William Hill would offer poor odds on her not having someone already lined up. It's the oldest one in the book (usually used by blokes): "Oh, I'm moving out to find myself". Or (in the case of my bil), "I need space." Yeah, right. Space with his secretary.

whostimeisitanyway · 21/10/2014 19:27

I'm afraid I would judge her and wouldn't want to continue the friendship. Her decision seems purely based on what she thinks is best for her rather than taking into account her son to whom she has been the main care giver. How childish and selfish to leave the father to it so that he can see how hard it is. Presumably the father was working long hours to support her and their son.

If there was domestic abuse or a mental health issue it would be v understandable but it does not sound as if these situations are relevant here.

Rebecca2014 · 21/10/2014 19:39

How can you get outraged about this when men leave their children so often without much regret? As long as your friend is still involved in her child life, I will not judge.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 21/10/2014 19:45

Rebecca2014, yes, men do that, and I think less of them for it.

whostimeisitanyway · 21/10/2014 19:49

Not sure why that matters rebecca; it doesn't make it right. I would judge a man who did this too.

Rebecca2014 · 21/10/2014 19:50

itisntjustaphase, one of the parents have to leave so why not the mother?

TheBogQueen · 21/10/2014 19:53

I've a friend who did this. But she lives very close to her children and her Ex works sporadically ( and earns well when he does) and they both care fir their children.

This situation seems pretty rubbish for the poor kid. Primary care giver moves out, dad's at work all the time, kid has to say goodbye to mum over And over again throughout the week while knowing she isn't at home anymore.

Shil0846 · 21/10/2014 20:02

My heart goes out to the little boy. His world is about to be turned upside down by the person he trusts most. My BF's mother did this to her when she was 2 and, 30 years on, she still has trust issues and low self-estime.

There must be rare situations where this might be in a child's best interests, but from what you describe your friend's motivation is to make a point to her DP - I can't believe anyone could be so selfish and callus.

Iggly · 21/10/2014 20:02

Poor kid. It is selfish to leave your child. Even more so when it is the main carer.
The two year old will feel rejected and it will scar him cuddles 2 year old dd tightly

I'm thinking of this from the child's perspective.

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 20:04

nothing wrong with shared parenting rebecca+numbers. lots wrong with this though

oliveobsessed · 21/10/2014 20:06

DP ex left when DSS was a bit younger than this child. She sees him one night a week and it does affect him so yes I judge.
Luckily she wasn't a SAHM at the time so not primary carer he was in childcare while mum and dad worked.
I didn't know DP at the time so can't comment on her mental health etc. However every time he goes to hers and he sits all day eating crap mad playing on xbox I judge. Hopefully OPs friend continues to be a mum to her little one on the days she has him

whostimeisitanyway · 21/10/2014 20:06

If she wanted to leave for whatever reason, she could have taken her son. This is what the great majority of mothers who are the primary care giver would do. She has chosen not to for apparently selfish reasons with v little thought for her poor 3 year old.

BreeWannabe · 21/10/2014 20:09

That poor little boy. What a selfish person.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 20:11

sanfairy no, I'm leaving one home and setting up another. Our child will live in both - just, as I imagine, the child in the op will.

This is an astonishingly hateful thread.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2014 20:27

What is hateful is the selfish disregard for providing a stable home for a three year old child. Turning this into somekind of discussion as to why it's OK for fathers to leave but not OK for mothers to leave is quite simply pathetic. Most people thank goodness do put the welfare of their children before their own selfish interests.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 20:32

Ok, well the lesson I'm taking from this thread is don't, whatever you do, give up work to be a SAHP. Not unless you want to be stuck living with someone you don't love or even like for the next 18 years or so.

Nice. Angry

I've worked since ds was a baby, full-time since he started school. Do I have more of a right to live in a happy home than the op's friend? Does my son have more of a right to live in a happy home than the little boy in the op? Really?

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 20:36

no, massa you completely misunderstand the thread

the toddler in this case will only be living with his father

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 20:40

We don't know that, san.

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 20:42

there would be nothing remarkable about a shared care agreement when the mum moved out, got a place for her and the kids, then was either primary carer or shared with the father, with child alternating days or weeks or weekends

moving out and leaving your ds behind is a bit different

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 20:43

What should Op's friend do?

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 20:45

it is up to her what she does. if i was op though, i would have nothing to do with her

Iggly · 21/10/2014 20:45

What are you on about Massa?

The mother has left her child (or planned to). Why on earth would anyone do this?

There's no way I could do this. None. I work as does DH - it doesn't change my view.

Think about it from the child's view.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 20:49

What is she supposed to do then? Assuming her relationship with the boy's father is kaput?

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 20:49

would you do it, Massa? move out, get your own place, look after your children for two days (not nights) a week then drop them back at their dads for every single night, just so your ex doesnt get a chance to go out and find a new partner?

HavanaSlife · 21/10/2014 20:53

I would never choose to leave my children like that, she is a sahm so its not like the court would award any less than 50/50. She could probably have him 5 days due to being his main carer, not working and the husband doing long hours.

Yet she is moving out and will only be having him 2 days a week, id judge any sahp who did that