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Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 15:45

yeah right Dia Hmm

Lagoonablue · 21/10/2014 15:46

Sorry think it's wrong on many levels. I am judging and don't care. What mother leaves their child?! Just horrible.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 15:47

Brilliant argument san

mynewpassion · 21/10/2014 15:53

I think it is the combination of leaving son when she was SAHM, being the NRP, ex working long hours, and the son spending less time with each parent than before. Its hard to grasp and will lead to judgments of both parents but more her.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 15:53

I doubt three-year-olds are as 'disrupted' by moving house and getting a new bed as they are by their mum (and primary carer) moving out.

He wouldn't have 'no dad'. He'd see his dad, just not live with him.

And yes, of there are cases where wanting to live with your very young child is incompatible with doing what's best for him - e.g. the poster who has mental health problems. Frankly, I don't think this is one of those cases, since the mother's reasons all seem to be about sticking it to the father.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 16:00

I doubt three-year-olds are as 'disrupted' by moving house and getting a new bed as they are by their mum (and primary carer) moving out.

I'd say this mother probably has a fairly good idea of her own 3 year old and is better placed to make that judgement than anyone on this thread.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 16:05

Oh come on, Dia. From what the OP has said, you don't seriously believe that her friend is leaving the child with his father because she thinks he'd be better off.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 16:09

Umm yes i do, but then i can only guess, just like OP is guessing her friend's motives.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 16:13

She just wants the relationship to end and I think she resents the fact that for that to happen in the "standard way", she will be the one left looking after DS. She has also expressed concern that it would be a lot easier for exDP to meet someone if she took DS (as has been the way with a lot of friends when a split occurs)

Yeah, right. That really sounds like someone who only has her child's interests at heart.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 16:15

Who said she only had her child's interests at heart?

honeycrest · 21/10/2014 16:16

This is terrible. I feel so sorry for this child. His parents are splitting up so he needs as much normality and stability as possible. Instead, his mother, who is his primary caregiver, fucks off and leaves. He won't be able to process that at his age. I would understand if she didn't want to be a SAHM anymore but she is only doing it to make life difficult for her ex. What a selfish bitch.

And a man who did the same thing after being a SAHP would be equally as bad.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2014 16:16

She will be the one left looking after her DS. So the short straw obviously. Confused Research shows that separation at this young age from a main caregiver can be a traumatic event in a child's life. Poor little child is all I can say.

SaucyMare · 21/10/2014 16:21

Sorry if it has been said, but from everything i have read on these forums, the mum will have to get a job to support herself and child when she leaves. So child will have to go into care all day whichever way the split goes.

Vodkajellies · 21/10/2014 16:24

My best friends ex did this to him just upped and left one day saying she wanted to experience life more and being a ft mum was holding her back.

in the months following her leaving I have never witnessed so much hurt that this caused it was agreed that she would still have an active role in the care for their son so he could continue to work and provide for himself and dc but it never happened she got used to the single life as do most parents who leave the family home do lost interest and now only sees him once a month if he'd lucky so.

I think it's a disgrace that any parent leaves a child I could never leave dcs no matter what.

DaisyFlowerChain · 21/10/2014 16:29

Poor child. I hope the dad asks the courts for full custody if the mother has left the child as it will stop the ex dating Hmm

Making somebody the sole earner for three people and then moaning that they aren't more a part of family life is laughable. It could have easily been resolved by both working so not one person shoulders all the hours.

nooka · 21/10/2014 17:01

This is the most weirdly sexist thread full of some fairly wild extrapolations.

My dh and I split up when our children were small (mainly because he had an affair which we found difficult to move on from). At the time he was working part time, so looking after dd while ds was at school a couple of days a week. He wanted me to move out and I refused. It was my house (bought before we got married) and he was the one who behaved badly so I was damned if he got to live in our nice home whilst I moved into a souless rental.

We shared care, with the children in childcare during the day when they lived in my house and with dh when they lived with him. He didn't 'walk out' he moved out. It wasn't a selfish thing to do, it was something that we needed to do because living together was destroying us at that point, and it was a nasty atmosphere for the kids.

I'm glad to say that neither of us was shunned, and although obviously it was disruptive for our children they adjusted to having parents who didn't live together. dh got a full time job after a while (when dd started school) and we both flexed out hours to be with the children as much as possible. Generally it worked fairly well. Neither of us were selfish for figuring out a new way for things to work. Oh and I would have fought like hell if dh had suggested taking the children with him. Bad enough to lose your partner without losing your children too.

coldwater1 · 21/10/2014 17:21

I wouldn't judge a friend for it. No different than a father leaving. I would support my friend and be there if she needed me.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 17:21

I think it's probably pointless to argue about whether someone's behaviour is 'selfish' or not, since it's so subjective. In your situation, nooka, I'd think my husband was selfish for having an affair in the first place, while we had young kids together.

coldwater1 · 21/10/2014 17:27

Its nice to read so many would end their friendship over it. I thought friends supported each other?! I wasn't best pleased with a friend having a termination when my son had not long died but i still supported her and was there for her and let her cry on my shoulder, it didn't occur to me to do anything else.

honeycrest · 21/10/2014 17:39

So people think that this

"She has also expressed concern that it would be a lot easier for exDP to meet someone if she took DS (as has been the way with a lot of friends when a split occurs)"

is an acceptable reason to leave your child? A child for whom you had previously been the main caregiver. Anyone who disagrees is clearly sexist Hmm

If the roles were reversed and it was the ex who refused to continue being a SAHP so that it would be harder for the OPs friend to meet someone else, the replies would be very different.

I gather from the comments re the friend having control of the finances that she is still being supported by her ex too?

BruthasTortoise · 21/10/2014 17:49

If a man did this the consensus on this board would normally be that he's having an affair (and I'd be surprised if that isn't the case here)

However, my DHs ex did leave him and their DSs when they were very small. Undoubtedly the best thing that could've happened, as even she would say he was the more stable parent. They've grown up fine, they are aware their Mum has issues and isn't going to be actively involved in their lives but they still see her, have a bond with her and they're genuinely happy and settled in their lives.

Boredinchippenham · 21/10/2014 18:12

Sorry but my husband works away on afghan and isn't home much I have dd 3 and ds 1 . I'm sahm and sadly the centre of my childrens world ( sadly for daddy I mean ) if I upped and left my children would be destraught and inconsolable dd has proved this if I go out without her occasionally . I think it's selfish and awful what she's doing snd people can be as politically correct as they like but there is a difference between mummy snd daddy in most childrens minds! Shocking!

StrawberryMouse · 21/10/2014 18:21

My first instinct was omg I could never leave my dc but then men do it every day and nobody thinks twice about it. Objectively, it is sexist to discriminate between the parents.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 18:31

His parents are splitting up so he needs as much normality and stability as possible.

Like staying in his own home?

think it's a disgrace that any parent leaves a child I could never leave dcs no matter what.

So no couples can ever split up then? Or if they do must remain in the same house? No parents should ever work away from home?

Making somebody the sole earner for three people and then moaning that they aren't more a part of family life is laughable

She made him the sole earner? Really? Where does it say that?

Sorry but my husband works away on afghan and isn't home much

So very obviously a different situation than the one in question.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/10/2014 18:55

DiaDuit

I can't help but wonder where your outraged post is for the assumptions made against the ExP.