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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:
pandarific · 21/10/2014 20:58

I'm completely horrified by this thread. Wow. Just wow. The raging judginess and (ugh) the use of 'selfish' as a perjorative.

She will see her child regularly. He will stay living in the family home that he has known forever. It's unfortunate that there'll be a big change in his life as regards who is with him for the bulk of the day, but, well, all marriage break ups are deeply unfortunate - it will effect him whatever happens.

Perhaps after being a SAHP for a time she's decided to try to build an independent life, re-entering the workforce? Perhaps she plans this to be temporary until she has her feet under her and can take her son 50:50? Perhaps she deems it less disruptive for him to stay in the family home?

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 21/10/2014 20:58

Regarding the money, if she isn't working and isn't primary carer - does she have to pay the ex child maintenance?

I assume part of it all is that she wants to work etc

The fact that part of this reasoning is that he will find it hard to find a new partner is odd and controlling.

I don't judge her on leaving - i would judge her on her motivations and the fact she was primary carer to her ds and all of a sudden won't be. I'm sure that will be a hard transition for her ds.

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 21:01

financially she will prob find it harder without a child - no child tax payments etc plus possible maintenance payments. i know one really shit mum who took her kids back when she realised that Sad

IneedAwittierNickname · 21/10/2014 21:04

Mumsnet is weird at times.

When my ex 1st left and I was hurting and angry I posted here and was told he hadn't walked out on our children, only on me. And that no one should stay in an unhappy relationship (all of which I agree with now. Didn't at the time)

Yet here a woman is being judged for walking out on her child. Confused

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 21:15

I can't help but wonder where your outraged post is for the assumptions made against the ExP.

Quote the assumptions and i'll see what i can do. Although i think you'll find the outraged posts have been from those claiming this woman has fecked off, walked out, abandoned, and quit on her son in her evilness.

mynewpassion · 21/10/2014 21:19

I think if she wasn't the primary carer, there would be less judgments. Still some for sure because we are ingrained that women should not leave their children, being the nurturer. However, because she was the primary carer and is only seeing her son two days maybe two nights a week.

We don't know if she's working or not. Assuming yes or how is she paying for rent, right? She should pay maintenance unless they have 50-50 share.

Iggly · 21/10/2014 21:19

but, well, all marriage break ups are deeply unfortunate

That's quite a shrug of the shoulders.

I wonder if there were better options that could have been taken for the child.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 21:20

What is hateful is the selfish disregard for providing a stable home for a three year old child.

That is exactly what the woman is doing by letting him stay in his home!

People seem very confused about this.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 21:23

We don't know that this woman's son won't live with his mum part of the week!

I'm imagining a woman with no income, who knows it will be difficult to find a suitable place where she and her child can live. Lord knows it's hard enough with an ok salary like mine, especially with no savings to put up for a deposit.

The family home seems a better bet for her child than a cramped rental.

I'm filling in the gaps here of course, but no more than the haters on this thread.

I would be advising her that, whilst not easy, she can find a new home and she can have her child live with her on a shared basis. I'd be offering support - particularly as it seems the father has it in spades.

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 21:25

well, as much as we know anything online, we know she is moving out without her son, looking after him two days a week at her house but not overnight and that a prime motivation is to stop her ex finding a new partner

SuperFlyHigh · 21/10/2014 21:29

my tuppence worth. back in the 70's my mum's good friend had an affair in the same village with another man. (someone's DH). Her own DH chucked her out and wouldn't let her take her 2 DC, being 2 and 4 at the time.

she was allowed access to her DC at weekends and holidays but they never lived with her.

Years later her DD developed anorexia and her relationship with her has always been strained and not close, her DS it is closer. Her DD told her recently that for months as a toddler she cried every day/night waiting for her mum to return.

I think it's an impossibly cruel thing to do to a young child.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 21:30

Indeed, dia.

san, that motivation is pretty crap and I can't condone it. I imagine she's determined to minimise the disruption the break up will cause but is going about it in a fucked up way. She needs friends now more than ever, to help her see sense.

RaisingMen · 21/10/2014 21:31

I will never understand how a mother can leave her children.

RaisingMen · 21/10/2014 21:31

I will never understand how a mother can leave her children.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 21:32

Super surely, whilst having an affair isn't great, it was the father who was cruel in that situation?

SuperFlyHigh · 21/10/2014 21:32

pandarific read my post and then decide.

Then there's someone else I know a single dad who when his kids were 18 months, 5 or so and 7 their mum left them (drugs/alcohol abuse) to be with another man - who also physically abused them when they later had contact with their DM.

Contact is now regular/sporadic depending on how their DM is feeling. The girls naturally don't know which way to turn I should imagine, to trust their DM or not and whether the new partner will be nice or will be the old nasty partner.

I wouldn't be surprised if they cut off or reduced contact when older.

SuperFlyHigh · 21/10/2014 21:33

Massa but surely she could fight it through the courts, she could've taken the DC with her, no?

Her DH was punishing her for the affair.

SuperFlyHigh · 21/10/2014 21:33

PS the single dad has full custody of his DC.

QuillPen · 21/10/2014 21:34

How did lunch with the friend go, OP?

MindReader · 21/10/2014 21:34

I grew up in a family where a mother did just this and it had horrible long term effects.
The abandoned child was totally upended. She has spent her life 'trying to make it up to him'. Of course, she never can. This belated focus on the abandoned child, as well as the guilt, led to neglect of the second child. So, two kids damaged, a woman in a small town with a name as a 'bolter' and an ever after distrustful H and all for what - a bit of 'freedom'?
Even years later, it was referred to.
Her best friend chose a different route out of her unhappy marriage. She left her husband when their kids reached 16.
He came straight round to our house and accused my mum of 'putting her up to it - that's the kind of woman you are'. Hmm
Long shadows indeed.

I still believe - from experience of being in that family after the dust has settled - once you have children they should be your number one priority.

If she leaves, being the main caregiver, the child should go with her, imo.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 21:36

The courts were pretty harsh in the 70s. She'd have been (and possibly was) painted as unfit.

I know adults whose mothers had no choice but to flee to keep their children.

GarlicOctopus · 21/10/2014 21:36

Maybe not having this support (all from her DP's family) scares her.

So she currently has a ton of support, giving her a degree of independence despite being a SAHM. Now she's left him, she's lost ALL the support. This invalidates a good half of your complaint.

As to the rest - however "VERY reasonable" you find him, your friend clearly finds something about her XP VERY unreasonable. She's walked out on a cushy life - now, why has she done that? It doesn't like he's being all that reasonable: he hasn't offered to move out and leave her at home with his son, keeping all the extant support in place.

Meanwhile, she has actually committed to more contact than the average defaulting male parent.

You're all being unfair.

SuperFlyHigh · 21/10/2014 21:39

Massa in no way am I condoning my mum's friends behaviour or not. Just this friend was always known as the one you have to watch around your men - that type of woman, very flirty but she is and was one of my mum's best friends.

But my mum judged her and sort of silently thought she deserved to lose her kids (I think my mum was torn for feeling sorry for her friend and feeling sorry for the dear Ex DH).

And my mum's friend didn't flee she just accepted it and moved in with the new man.

pandarific · 21/10/2014 21:43

SuperFlyHigh 'that type of woman' - really? Really really?

Out of this thread. Depressing.

SuperFlyHigh · 21/10/2014 21:45

I knew someone would jump on that thread. But surely everyone knows a flirt?

It was my mum's phrase though. I don't use it. Though I just said it. sorry for offending you Pandarific