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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 21:49

Just this friend was always known as the one you have to watch around your men

Well anyone who said that was pretty stupid werent they? Or did they think she overpowered their thought processes and made the men cheat with her? Those mindless men with no choice in the matter Hmm

whostimeisitanyway · 21/10/2014 21:53

Lots of assumptions being made about how she is leaving the child in the family home as it is more stable for him, plans to have 50:50 care at a later date, etc.

The OP has said that the friend has told her she has left the son so that her ex can see how hard it is and that she will drop him back overnight to make it more difficult for him to form a new relationship.

Are we actually reading the same thread?

AyMamita · 21/10/2014 21:56

YANBU. It will be traumatic for the little boy to lose his primary carer. If the dad were a SAHP and she were out working, no problem for her to move out, but the setup you describe sounds wrong.

mynewpassion · 21/10/2014 22:01

The OP has not said that her friend will not have overnights. I am being fair to the friend by assuming that she will have at least two overnights a week. It might be that she will do 2 days of care and EOW with overnights. We don't really know.

If no overnights, then I feel even more sorry for the child. The ex will be fine. He has lots of family support so will get through this.

Oblomov · 21/10/2014 22:02

MN is very child focused. Children are the number one priority.
But the rest of the world / internet is not necessarily like that. not every woman wants to have children.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 22:03

Great post, octopus (except not all of us are being unfair Wink )

mynewpassion · 21/10/2014 22:08

That's right. Women should have children when they want them. However, regardless if you are a man or a woman, when you do produce a child, they should be a priority. This doesn't mean that they have to stay in an unhappy marriage. It means that the parents work to provide a stable environment for them and not use them to score points with the other parent.

The friend doesn't have to stay in the relationship. However, it seems that leaving her son behind to teach her ex a lesson is more of a motivating factor than him staying with the ex is the best thing for him. That's the impression the OP is seeing. Is it reality? Not sure.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/10/2014 22:10

Dia

the assumptions have been abusive, controlling, lazy, Not supportive. All aimed at the ExP

HamAndPlaques · 21/10/2014 22:16

If you remove gender from the equation altogether then child's full-time, primary caregiver has left. It must be very hard for all concerned.

ssd · 21/10/2014 22:20

op, your friend sounds callous and very selfish, I wouldn't want to support a friend like that, poor kid will probably be better off in childcare all day and with dad at night.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 22:21

Can you quote them as i cant really comment without the context in which the comments were made. All or most of the comments i have responded to i have quoted so as the context is clear.

GarlicOctopus · 21/10/2014 22:21

Thanks, Massa ... not quite all, no :)

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 22:28

I agree with you Garlic. I think this thread is very strange.

GarlicOctopus · 21/10/2014 22:34

It is, isn't it, Harold!

Just one more reply before I decide 90% of the human race is a misogynist bastard ...

Iggly: I wonder if there were better options that could have been taken for the child.

Perhaps a better option might have been for the spurned XP to move out, leaving his child in the home he knows best, with the team of carers he knows best. What do you think?

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 22:43

But of course the DS is better off without this selfish feckless woman so he should go for custody.

Whilst complaining she isn't seeing him enough.

It just makes no actual sense at all.

Pistone · 21/10/2014 23:16

I believe in calling a spade a spade. It's not normal for a mother to leave her children, it's awful for the child but somehow even worse when it's an only child. The poor lonely little boy crying for his mummy. It's heartless and selfish and I think any mother who can do this isn't wired up right.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/10/2014 23:17

So all the 'support and help' for this woman hs come from her DP's family? I wonder if they have been smothering the life out of her and that's why she's left.

nokidshere · 21/10/2014 23:29

I wouldn't do it ever because I remember exactly how I felt at age 9 when my mother left home leaving us behind.

However, as a grown up I can totally understand why she did so have empathy for others in a similar position.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 23:30

It's uncommon, Pistone. Which ought to make those close to her wonder why she's making this decision and prompt them to explore alternatives with her.

Wineandrosesagain · 22/10/2014 00:35

I spend much of the week working away, earning a high salary, DH doing the school runs etc. however, crunch came to crunch I would cut my arm off than leave the DD behind whilst I moved on. She is the reason for everything I do. I love DH but DD is my heart. if I split from her father then first thing to go would be my high-falutin' career - so that we could sort out a plan to ensure her wellbeing. Walking away and doing 2 days a week -WTAF? op's friend doesn't seem that focused on DS's best interests.

nooka · 22/10/2014 02:05

Well maybe that's exactly how the Op's DP feels? Maybe he will adjust his working hours so he can be around more (many people do that after separation) and continue to look after his ds with the support of his family.

Why should he have to move out of his home and away from his son because his partner wants out of the relationship? To me it should be the partner who wants out that should move out (assuming no abuse or other special circumstances), and I really can't see why they should be taking the children with them. To me the default in such circumstances should be shared care, which appears to the what is going to happen in this case.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/10/2014 04:31

I'm completely horrified by this thread. Wow. Just wow. The raging judginess and (ugh) the use of 'selfish' as a perjorative.

'Selfish' is a pejorative. Confused

Feel free to 'wow' away, because I'm quite horrified that anyone thinks what this woman is doing is okay.

To those who say she's providing her son with 'stability' by leaving him in the family home: what bollocks. Remember the OP said his father works 'long hours', the child is THREE, and the mother has been his full-time carer his entire life. He's not going to feel secure or stable when the person who used to be a 24/7 presence in his life is no longer in the house.

HavanaSlife · 22/10/2014 06:25

Exactly koala

MassaAttack · 22/10/2014 06:41

So, what should she do?

WoodliceCollection · 22/10/2014 07:15

Everyone attacking this woman: please tell me you'd not be the same ones on her like a tonne of bricks if she was claiming income support, housing benefit, etc? Because otherwise wtf are you complaining about, her ex clearly has financial means to support a child, whilst she obviously would not until she finds work- so actually she is doing exactly what all of you usually rant on about, not asking state to support her to be sahp. Hypocrisy here is blinding!