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Original poster

To wonder if I should tell him?

129 replies

ThisIsAnAwkwardSituation · 17/10/2014 14:26

This is embarrassing but here it goes.

I'm 25 years old and have never had sex. This sounds childish and immature but never really been interested and didn't feel ready.

However I have been seeing someone for about a month now and things are getting serious. I would like to do it now, but I'm just confused about whether I'm supposed to tell him about my lack of experience? And more to the point, how do I tell him? Does it really matter if I don't tell him?

He is four years older than me and from what I've gathered very experienced so I think I'm going to feel childish.

I was thinking about not telling him and just going for it. Good idea or not? Confused

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 17/10/2014 14:28

A month is nothing and this is something that you can never get back. Wait until you're ready, don't have sex just because you feel like you have to. It doesn't matter how old you are. I'd tell him. A decent bloke will wait until you're ready and will back off.

SaucyJack · 17/10/2014 14:31

If I were you I'd just drink a couple of bottles glasses of wine and crack on.

You like him, he likes you. Losing your virginity doesn't need to be a big emosh deal if you don't want it to be.

MrsCumbersnatch · 17/10/2014 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars · 17/10/2014 14:35

Firstly, it is not a bad thing to be 25 and a virgin. It is not childish and immature, and plenty of people haven't been interested or ready at that point. So don't worry about that aspect.

And now, TMI question. "Things are getting serious" - what does that mean? Emotionally or physically? Do you feel like you want to initiate this?

For what it's worth, I apparently managed to carry off my first time with aplomb (boyfriend at the time knew it was my first go at it). I was very comfortable with him, and very ready (both in terms of the relationship and physically), and things like that make it much easier. So you may well get away with not revealing the full truth if it makes you uncomfortable. However, it wouldn't really say much for him if you shared this and he made you feel unhappy about it. Do you trust him?

I'd probably go for a middle ground of "not very experienced". Then you aren't under pressure to hide anything, nor will he be expecting to be thrown around the bedroom.

There is, of course, the stereotype to consider, that apparently men might like inexperienced girls....

neverletgojack · 17/10/2014 14:35

Do what feels right, talk to him, if he runs a mile he's obvs a dick and wouldn't be worthy of your virginity anyway!

Don't feel embarrassed:) and don't stress outWine

MaidOfStars · 17/10/2014 14:38

And I will add for reassurance (others may have different experiences): my first time wasn't painful, more just an odd feeling that passed very quickly. And it's pretty easy to find the moves, humans have been doing for years.....I went through three different positions (get me... Wink) in the first encounter, something I wouldn't have predicted likely.

MaidOfStars · 17/10/2014 14:38

...so what I mean is... just bluff your way this is plausible.

ChippingInLatteLover · 17/10/2014 14:40

LadySybil Try reading what the OP has actually written.

OP - I think if I were you I would wait until you were heading that way and then tell him. I think it will be nicer for you if he knows. However, I see the previous two posters disagree - LOL.

I think if I was a bloke, I'd like to know, just so that I could take extra care to make sure you were fine with everything as it was happening.

LadySybilLikesCake · 17/10/2014 14:42

Erm... cheers, Chipping Hmm Did you not read my last line? Wink

whois · 17/10/2014 14:43

Yeah I'd probably go for drinking a few glasses of wine, mentioning I wasn't very experienced and getting on with it (if you want to and feel ready obvs!)

My first time wasn't painful, just a little awkward as it was with someone who should have stayed a friend. We had more of a brother/sister relationship and are still good friends to this day.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/10/2014 14:46

I agree that you should tell him.
He can then be a bit more gentle with you to begin with.

lemonsandleeks · 17/10/2014 15:07

I was 29, and like you, never been into that sort of thing and not met anyone who was right. He understood straight away when we first kissed, because I hadn't done that before either! He loved it and felt so privileged. Sorry if TMI, but the first time I bled buckets (not to scare you or anything) even though he was extremely gentle - that alone would have been a good enough reason in itself to tell him beforehand...

Original poster
ThisIsAnAwkwardSituation · 17/10/2014 15:53

Thank you everyone. A mixed bag of responses.

I actually did think that having a couple of bottles glasses of wine beforehand and just going for it was a good idea. So I've been keeping my fridge well stocked with alcohol just in case Wink.

I am scared that it will hurt (that's actually the thing that puts me off the most) but I think I want to do this. And I know he wants to have sex and I've been making excuses until now to stop myself before things gets heated but I think he's getting impatient.

I can't believe I'm making a big deal out of this Blush.

OP posts:
Sweetpea01 · 17/10/2014 16:02

I would tell him. Any decent guy would see this as a lovely thing and will be very gentle (and yes, prepared for any bleeding etc!)

Honestly, you're 25, it really isn't a big deal Smile he won't think you're weird.

My friend is about to get married in November at almost 25, has actually lived with her DP for years and has never had sex. She's not religious in the slightest nor weird nor socially impaired, she just didn't feel ready and wanted to wait until she was married.

Good luck and enjoy yourself!

hellsbellsmelons · 17/10/2014 16:04

For you this is a big deal.
You are allowed to be worried about it.
Everyone is.
Once you get over that 'first time' thing you're gonna love it!

Tannabeanie · 17/10/2014 16:06

The more relaxed and into it you are the less painful it will be (apparently) so I would tell him, so that he understands that you need to go slow and really get into it before the big deed is done lol
The more worried you are, the more you will tense up down there (medical fact, sorry for the graphics) so be honest, and most of all ENJOY! Wink

BigRedBall · 17/10/2014 16:51

Just to reassure you re: the bleeding. My first time was with my DH aged 23 and there was absolutely no bleeding. Not even a smidge. So equally, don't be alarmed if there isn't any blood. I was worried for months after thinking why I didn't bleed until I googled it and realised quickly loads of women don't bleed the first time. Not everyone has a tough hymen.

Good luck.

roofio87 · 17/10/2014 16:53

I was 21 when I lost my virginity (to my now fiancé). I didn't tell him until much later as I was embarrassed. He has always said he really wish he had known as he would have tried to make it a bit more special (it was pretty drunken!!) and I wish I had been more honest now. It's something I'm proud of now. I waited until I was ready.
whatever you decide just do what you feel comfortable with. although I will say that if you feel happy and safe enough with this man to sleep with him you should feel safe enough to be totally honest with him!

iwishiwasacat · 17/10/2014 17:09

If you know your body, spend an appropriate amount of time on foreplay and getting turned on and use lube then you most probably won't bleed. It's a complete myth that hymens "break".

www.huffingtonpost.com/cristen-conger/sex-myth_b_1154683.html

claraschu · 17/10/2014 17:14

I was 24 and told my boyfriend; I couldn't imagine not telling him. We took our time (about 6 weeks from our first date, so not that much time really). Now we've been married for 24 years.

imnottoofussed · 17/10/2014 17:15

I would probably tell him, I didn't tell the guy when I lost mine and I was so into it that I didn't notice until afterwards that we were both covered in blood pretty much from the waist down, as was the bed. It definitely wasn't painful though.

It would help to prepare him beforehand just in case so he doesn't freak out :-)

HannerHet · 17/10/2014 17:19

Agree you should tell him, maybe if it's obvious it's going to happen that night just say 'I haven't done this before' or something similar and take it from there. You will be fine Smile

Bogeyface · 17/10/2014 17:19

I am more concerned about the fact that he is getting impatient and you feel the need to make excuses. I would tell him that you are not very experienced and dont want to rush into that side of things. If he backs off and waits for you then great, but if he carries on pushing you to have sex then I would think he isnt a keeper and not worthy of your virginity.

Bogeyface · 17/10/2014 17:19

Also, its only been a month, has he no patience at all?!

Original poster
ThisIsAnAwkwardSituation · 17/10/2014 18:34

I am seriously Blush right now.

First of all I did it. I confessed to him (the first person ever) that I've never had sex. He's brought a bottle of wine round that we haven't opened yet but after I told him about my lack of experience he got this weird look on his face and smiled. Then he said (oh god Blush) "that's good but we will soon fix that. We will get the cherry popped, don't worry".

Then he said he'd forgotten something at the shop and he's now went to get it. He wouldn't tell me what it is.

Could it be more alcohol so I can really get wasted? Should I be worried? Blush

OP posts: