To want to understand WHY some people are so toxic?

[queensansastark]

I mean know there are toxic people, MIL is one, and loads if threads here indicate that. But WHY? I find myself round and round in circles thinking BUT WHY are they like that? Do they realise that they are poisonous with their attitudes, words and deeds? And if you were one such, or other people think so, would you have the self awareness to recognise that you are toxic?

sazzle no misleading at all, we all understand different things with different words. I hope what ever they "do" with this person brings you and your coworkers some relief. She sounds an utter nightmare. If you can talk one on one with your manager from the ME, well do so and just bypass her. It is good your company takes MH issues seriously with regards to this toxic woman, but you too need protection from her. Don't let them forget that. In the meantime document everything. Every single little thing. Who you spoke to, when, who else was present. Every goal post she moves. Every too late apology she comes along with. Every coworker who goes off sick because of her. Document everything in as much detail as you can. I hope you get some solution soon.

Butterfly/SleepyGene, I think you are both right, he means well but its dodgy . I think any kind of meeting is just going through the motions and she will not change. I did wonder if the transferring to different countries every 12months or so on her CV within the company is because its a way to solve it - move her on and out? She does actually achieve targets but its how she does, that's the problem.

Also I'm rubbish in group situations. More than 3 people & its like sensory overload for me: I feel like my brain will explode & I don't like contributing in that state at work because I might not be clear/make sense as a result. Luckily, my job means I am never in meetings.

This thread is difficult for me to read because I grew up with a very emotionally neglectful and abusive, controlling mother who has done the classic golden child/scapegoat thing, golden childing one sister out of three, and massively effectively triangulating to the effect that my older sister has not spoken to my younger sister in fifteen years, and my younger sister has cut communication from me, because it is just too awkward for her, because she feels disloyalty to my mum if she even begins to acknowledge the issues. She sees it that she is the only one who provides any support to my mum (forgetting that actually my mum has mainly invested time and money in her). My mum has told me she should not have had me and that she always figured I could look after myself. Which I can. But it felt like emotional abandonment. Plus, I have got to the stage where I can't support younger sis through emotional issues clearly caused by my mum, so I am not chasing contact either any more.

To me, toxic is not only behaviour (though I would describe my mum as abusive, frankly) but how it makes me feel. It is very physical. My second marriage was to someone I think was a classic sociopath, because he seems to have no emotional awareness. It actually made me ill, but on separating (a horrendous experience as controlling people don't like letting their prey go), I did begin to see a pattern in my relationships. So, I have started to pay attention to how I physically feel around people.

Re the point about mental health, living with toxic people can make you mentally ill because they distort reality so much and devalue you. It is hard work to get an objective view of yourself back.