To wish my parents hadn't moved abroad?

[CuthbertDibble]

They seem to be missing out on so much, there have been a few more grandchildren born since they went and they don't have the same, lovely, relationship that they had/have with the ones that were around before they went.

The other issue is they don't have their own place over here so they end up staying for two to three weeks and they do it two or three times a year. We're good with house guests, we have lots, but more than a long weekend becomes a bit of an imposition.

I love my parents but they are now turning into annoying guests I'd rather not have to entertain.

Anybody else have issues like this?

Notmyusual - I genuinely dont think most people are surprised by marriage / babies for their children so your situation is rather unusual. I think you need to speak up when you next hear them commenting as you've described above.

Notmyusual - you really should say something, you aren't in the same position as the OP, her siblings don't have spare rooms, yours do, they just don't want to share the burden of your parents visits, not that they can't. And they do recognise it's a burden or else they'd offer!

Call your parents before they book the Christmas trip, tell them you would like Christmas to be without houseguests as you and DH have a lot of DIY to do, you will need your home office as you've been told you can work from home over the period and so it doesn't suit you to have them to stay, could they this time, stay with one of your siblings instead? Just break the cycle once and see what happens.

Once the precident has been set that they can stay with other siblings, then you might find it easier to talk to them about rotating between their adult DCs, perhaps a white lie that you'll be working from home more so will regularly need the spare room as your office?

Other option, is over the next few weeks, have some sort of domestic crisis "oh mum, there was water coming through from the roof/flat above, it's ruined the spare room! You'll have to stay with sister/brother next trip." then just never replace the spare bed, turn it into a proper home office "well, you're welcome to stay, but we don't have a spare room anymore, it's my office, there's an airbed we can put up in the front room, or sister/brother has a spare bed...."

mandy - to be honest, it's amazing how often the older generation gets an idea in their heads about how their DCs lives will be and don't see the inevidtable, or how it will effect them. My parents sold up the northern family home and bought a place near my DB. My DB who's gay. Then I got married and had DCs, they made comments about not thinking about settling near DB would mean they would be far away from the only grandchildren. From an outsider point of view, it should have been clear if you have one gay and one straight adult DC it was more likely the straight one would have DCs. Also when I told her I was pregnant, at 30 just over a year after getting married, she aparently cried on some of the woman in her church that she was so happy because she was convinced she would never have Grandchildren. This conclusion because I wasn't married and having DCs by 25 I must be a career woman and not going to have any, she just had decided that wasn't in my 'life plan' because I'd done things differently to her and dad...

We had to really spell it out recently to our parents that we won't be coming out for summer holidays and Christmases all together at their French home, I have no spare room (and no dad, you can hint all you like, unless you are going to pay for it, I'm not going to convert the loft to create a guest room!), DB's DP has said he's not happy for them to stay for more than a week at a time, it's his home too and fair enough.

they are still determined to go, and rent out their UK home (at least not sell, my DB has talked them out of that so it should be relatively painless to move them back when the inevitable old age problems start), but they have said they will book a selection of travelodges and premier inns, this does mean they'll come over when they can get cheap deals, which again, I've pointed out if they pick term time, DC1 won't be able to see much of them anyway, again, this hadn't occurred.

We'll see how it pans out in our family, but having read some of these stories, I'm so glad we did the 'hard talks' about the limits to our hospitality before they've gone.

The thing is, despite them having the room, and arguably much more space than me, I would genuinely feel bad at forcing my parents on my DB as I know he and SiL have their hands full with a 3.5 and 18 month old toddlers. I complain about my own situation but I cannot imagine the stress of working, which they both do, dealing with the DC AND having houseguests. DSis is the one to target, she has one DD who is 17 but she is adamant that she will not put herself out - plus she lives a bit further away (do-able but about an hours drive from the rest of us) so our parents have already dismissed this as not suitable for their purposes.

Anyway, they've already booked the christmas trip so not much I can do this time around.

Mandy, I accept that my parents' pov is most definitely the minority but I don't think it is so unusual. The OP's parents seem to have acted the same way about grandkids and family changes and I've heard my parents talking about some of their expat friends who have had arguments with their adult children because they are moving away or turning the spare room into a nursery and this has impacted their ideal dual lifestyle plans.

But the original AIBU was about the OP wishing her parents had never moved away and I'm trying not to hijack this with my own situation. Yes, it sounds like the OP has more space than me and there are less options for her parents but the point is that it is not selfish of her to want to use her own home in the way she pleases rather than having regular long-term houseguests. I don't like the fact that my situation seems to some to be slightly less unreasonable than the OPs when fundamentally the question and the onus is on the parents' behaviour and whether they should expect to be able to use someone else's house as a home from home in order to fund their dream lifestyle without having first discussed or considered their family's feelings. In the meantime, and household disruption aside, the fact also remains that relationships do change when you don't see parents for a few months, followed by weeks of intensive time together and when you add potential health issues in later life into the mix then no, I don't think it is unreasonable at all to wish that things could be easier or more convenient, which is would be if the OP's parents had stayed in the UK. That doesn't mean they should have stayed here - it is their life to live and they deserve to follow their dreams, provided they don't expect others to make sacrifices to make it happen.

I'm beginning to see my parents in a whole new light they're apparently brilliant compared to some described here!

YADNBU. My parents live in the same country & in the home they have always lived but, as it is 5hrs away, it makes sense for them to come & stay for a few days at the time. Despite the fact that my parents are very hands on &, during an average stay, will take the DC out a few times, cook some meals, do some ironing, do odd bits of gardening etc, it can still be quite frustrating having them to stay. They always bring about three coats & pairs of shoes each which clutter up the hall way, they seem to have endless cups of tea, glasses of water & cake so we are always low on glasses, cups and side plates, it is easier to cook the meals they like, watch the programmes they want to watch (with the column turned up deafeningly loud) and generally fit into their usual routine, something which was particularly frustrating when the DC were small and in their own routine (I remember a stand off with DF as to whether DD got to watch Waybuloo or he watched the 6 o'clock news). And the endless conversation. I will be racing around trying to get out of the door to get the children to school/nursery and myself to work and DF will decide to tell me about something he heard on the Today programme that morning. Also, they are used to peace & quiet so sometimes find the children too boisterous or loud. It would all be very different if they lived a few miles away and we could pop in in each other from time to time.

"my mother cried down the phone to me that she was missing out on my wedding plans and didn’t feel a part of proceedings."
I actually felt quite angry reading that, NotmyusualNN. You're getting married, and it's all about HER ? But, having read the rest of your posts, it shouldn't have been a surprise, because the selfish and self-absorbed streak showed all the way through. Which your siblings have inherited!

"My parents genuinely did not expect that anything would change back here, it's like a tree falling in the forest; in their heads UK life just seems to stop when they are not here."
I can definitely relate to that. I was in a very different scenario to yourself and the OP when my parents moved abroad. It was deep in the recession of the 1980's, my dad had been unemployed for over a year, he was offered a job abroad and felt that if he didn't take it he'd never work again. At no point did they see living abroad as a permanent thing. But, they were overseas for over a decade in total. (And no holidays home - flights unaffordable. They scraped the money together for my mum to come back for her mum's funeral, and for my dad to come back for his dad's funeral. But a holiday? They needed to pay off the loans for the funeral trips.)

They found it really difficult to fit back in with life when they 'came home'. Unconsciously, they expected everything to be as it was when they left; as if we'd all been wrapped in cotton wool and put back into our boxes while they were away. Even a shop changing ownership or new buildings in their hometown threw them. Logically, had they thought about it, they'd have expected it. But emotionally, they were still in 1981 when they left; those years abroad were like a little bubble, separate .

So, mandy214 - really, it's not unusual. Most people aren't surprised by marriage/babies - they're genuinely thrown that life back in the old country is not EXACTLY as it was when they were last there. Perhaps you should feel gratitude that your family aren't like this, but also be aware that it is your family that is unusual, and stop distressing the OP and NotmyusualNN. It smacks of making yourself feel big by making others feel small.

Whereyouleftit there is no need for that snide comment . I simply don't think that the vast majority of people in their 50s / 60s / 60s are naïve enough to think that life stops for their children / extended family once they leave the country.

But thatsnot what the OP complained or, and Notmyusual said she thought her situation was very specialist so with respect, my post is hardly likely to cause distress!!

Let me quote you some of Not myusualNN's posts mandy214, since you seem not to have noted them.

" I have thought every bad thought imaginable about myself for daring to suggest that my parents should consult with me before moving into my home and these thoughts have pretty much just been compounded by Mandy214, so thanks for that. Didn’t think it was possible to feel worse that I already do."

"They have both categorically said that they will not support me as they do think it is my “role” to put them up when needed. I’m starting to think mandy214 might actually be my sister."

So, tell me again that your post is hardly likely to cause distress. Go on.

I wrote my 'snide' comment after much thought, because I think you need to put a little more thought into your posts. When people are talking about things in their lives that are causing them unhappiness, a little empathy goes a long way. Try it sometime. "With respect".

YANBU OP. We are the opposite way round, it's us that have moved abroad and my parents / PIL come to visit to spend time with the DGC and us. They rarely come for less than a week, and as we live in a 2 bed appartment it's pretty cramped.

But it works okay because they are all great guests. I don't wash a dish or iron anything while they are here, as they do all that. My dad will happily potter off to the shops or market with a list, my mum will happily collect the children from school and entertain them endlessly when they get home.

When we go 'home' and stay with them, we try to be nice guests too.

I think that one of the key points for us though is that they primarily visit to spend time with the DGC. One of the great benefits for me of having my parents / PIL visiting is that they entertain the wains and I don't have to! That goes a long way to making up for noisy toilet habits and general intrusion. You don't have that trade off to compensate for the general annoyance!

Notmyusual - have you thought that in a family home, your SIL might like having other adults around? Being able to just go to the shops without having to load up the dcs if your parents could watch them for half an hour, being able to go out in the evening if your parents could watch them. Now, your parents might not want to have to "earn their keep" being used to staying in your free hotel, but don't presume you would be being a horrible person to say no to them staying...

where Your comment about my posts trying "big myself up" was rude and uncalled for.

notmyusual I'm sorry if you've taken my opinion to be having a go at you personally - I didn't intend that at all, it was just my opinion about (generally) dealing with parents who live abroad.

My comment was indeed rude, and deliberately so. We'll just have to disagree as to whether it was called for.

Well thats the difference between us. I wasnt (and would never be) deliberately rude.

I take it that you don't understand the concept then Mandy as some of your posts on this thread have been at best unhelpful and unsympathetic and at worst downright provocative and hostile.

But hey - it's your opinion on a public forum- post what you like- but don't expect not to called on it.

I understand the definition of "rude" and "deliberate". I also understand the concept of "opinion" and "discussion forum". And you are right, I fully expect to be called on my opinion, especially on a subject like this, where there is strong opinion on both sides. I don't (and shouldn't have to) expect to be insulted personally about "bigging myself up" by expressing those opinions.

op is definitely not being unreasonable. It is a complete pain when you are tripping over people in your own home and busting your butt to serve them meals that they like all the time.

"I wasnt (and would never be) deliberately rude."
Maybe not deliberately (although I have no evidence for that, but I'll let it stand).

But -

Thoughtlessly
Persistently
Insensitively

And very defensively when called out on it.

And as for your nonapology to NotmyusualNN - iI'm sorry if' is piss-poor.

I think you need to be firmer with them and make it clear that if they're going to stay for more than 2 or 3 days they need to help and be part of the family not behave as hotel guests. They help cook, shop and clear away. I would tell them that otherwise you find the visits tiring and that it was their choice to move away and you are the one they always stay with.
If they visit for 2-3 weeks 3 times a year I'm surprised you bother going to see them if you aren't keen. I'd start doing other things with your holidays or if you go to their country spend a couple of days with them and then go off and stay somewhere else. They don't get to control how you spend your life just because they moved. What would they do if you didn't live near your sibs? I'm hours away from mine.

I also think that if you choose to live abroad you have to think about accommodation in the UK if you plan to come for prolonged visits before you go.
I can't imagine deciding to move abroad and just telling my kids I'd be staying for them for several weeks in the summer or 3 weeks 3 times a year. I would factor in the cost of UK accommodation be it a cheap hotel or a campervan into my costs, or more sensibly keep a base in the UK that you can rent out when not here.
I think retired relatives should be free to move abroad and not have their lives revolving around their younger relatives' lives, but that their younger relatives shouldn't be inconvenienced by their decision to move abroad.
This isn't about the younger relatives being selfish not wanting endless house guests, it's about the older relatives not thinking about their situation from anyone else's point of view but theirs.