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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my parents hadn't moved abroad?

145 replies

CuthbertDibble · 12/10/2014 17:21

They seem to be missing out on so much, there have been a few more grandchildren born since they went and they don't have the same, lovely, relationship that they had/have with the ones that were around before they went.

The other issue is they don't have their own place over here so they end up staying for two to three weeks and they do it two or three times a year. We're good with house guests, we have lots, but more than a long weekend becomes a bit of an imposition.

I love my parents but they are now turning into annoying guests I'd rather not have to entertain.

Anybody else have issues like this?

OP posts:
DilligafMyUKIP · 12/10/2014 18:10

I do find this whole attitude of family being a bloody nuisance - especially parents - when you have no history of a problematic relationship odd, beyond odd actually. It's just plain weird. It is something that is peculiar to Britain as I have worked the world over and without exception every other culture an nation RESPECTS its family elders.

silverstreak · 12/10/2014 18:14

You are totally NOT BU...... "Only 9 wks" is in fact nearly a fifth of the year! OP clearly we are in the minority here but I also would find that really tough.... And as you say, with Anyone - let alone parents, with whom I spent the first 18 years of my life as it is (& don't get me wrong I'm quite sure we found each other equally irritating by that point!)! Sorry no suggestions though..... But please let me know if you find a solution (I have similar issues!)?! :)

uncanny · 12/10/2014 18:15

I don't really think hosting your parents for a long holiday has anything to do with respect, any more than moving back in with them and behaving as if they were the hosts would be respectful.

I am respectful to my parents - I make sure they are ok and will take care of their needs when they need more care. However, if they give up their home here I would not have them to stay for weeks and weeks.

Original poster
CuthbertDibble · 12/10/2014 18:22

Ooh, this is all going a bit wrong.

They moved abroad for a nicer, sunnier life, I don't think they'd even considered the fact that extra grandchildren would be born. Before the extra dgc they probably had a greater choice of places to stay, now we are the only ones that have a proper spare room.

They assumed that we would all go out for holidays when they moved abroad, they didn't twig that school holiday flights are really expensive for a family of four or six (db and dsis) and that it's not really a holiday when you all have to cram into one spare bedroom.

I realise that they have every right to live their lives as they see fit, that's fine. my issue is that they seem to expect us to enable them to slot back into UK life too.

OP posts:
silverstreak · 12/10/2014 18:24

And since my last post even more scathing posts!? OP just to reiterate my reassurances - you are not alone! And people please, IT IS NORMAL to love your family, very much, and be more than happy - delighted, even - to see them every week or even more often, whilst at the same time NOT being comfortable with living in each others pockets, ie sharing every waking moment and meal time, being intimate with their toilet habits even (!!), for weeks at a time... Fine if that's you, but not really v.cool to say that to not want that is horrible!

PingPongBat · 12/10/2014 18:26

I don't think it's unreasonable to live abroad, they have the right to make their own choices about whet they live. Mine chose to live abroad & although we miss them, & their relationship with the grandchildren is very different to the one my PILs have with them, & that makes me a bit sad, or was their decision and I respect it.

However, having made that decision, they should respect the fact that their family may not always want to accommodate them when they want to visit. Especially for 3 weeks - that's a lot to expect when you've got a family to look after yourself.

I agree with others who have made suggestions about getting them to stay somewhere else for all/part of the time they are visiting.

PingPongBat · 12/10/2014 18:27

Oh, forgot to say YANBU. Smile

Original poster
CuthbertDibble · 12/10/2014 18:28

How can I ask them to stay somewhere else when we have room for them to stay?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2014 18:34

"my issue is that they seem to expect us to enable them to slot back into UK life too."
Totally get that. They don't seem to have thought their move through at all, do they? A couple of seconds thought should have pointed out that more DGC were probable, and a few more seconds that flights are expensive in school holidays. May not have stopped them from moving abroad, but might have made them plan for the inevitable a little better. But, that was all down to them, and now they are expecting you (and your spare room) to bridge the gap they thoughtlessly manufactured.

Probably the best you can do is have 'a talk'. The treating your house as their own is not on; if they want to be treated as guests, they behave as guests - bring gifts, take you out to dinner, be appreciative of your hospitality. If, on the other hand, they want to be treated as family, they act as family - pitch in with chores and maybe buy some groceries. It sounds like they want to behave as if they are on holiday and you are the hotel. Not a good way to behave.

diddl · 12/10/2014 18:37

Well if they are staying with you, then you have every right to set ground rules.

One being how long they stay for!

Do they visit other people, get out & about at least?

When I visit my dad one of the visit things he says is "now make sure you visit x & y & spend as long there as you want to"Grin

Surelyknot · 12/10/2014 18:38

well i sympathise! having lived in a different country to my parents for a long time. It is hard. I used to feel like I had to be doing something every moment. We could never just sit around and do nothing. I used to feel guilty that I had to go shopping and tidy up. :-/

mandy214 · 12/10/2014 18:40

I'm flabbergasted to be honest that anyone would say its completely normal to be cheesed off that your parents are coming to stay for 2 or 3 weeks. You have a spare room & bathroom so why is it a hardship?

Original poster
CuthbertDibble · 12/10/2014 18:44

LadyLuck10 Ha, just spotted your post... really? How often do you have visitors staying for two to three weeks?

I wish they still lived here so we could have more frequent, less lengthy visits.

OP posts:
Surelyknot · 12/10/2014 18:46

I think one can end up exhausted catering for everybody's needs. My parents usen't to believe they were any trouble. They wanted a big meal at lunch time and even though they used to say 'oh just a sandwich or whatever you're having', my Dad would inevitably ask for soup to go with the sandwich, and then some grapes and cheese? do you have any crackers? No, well, ok, forget I asked! and a few espressos, if it's no trouble? I don't want to be any trouble! My mum had allergies so I was out with the hoover far more regularly than normal. The next time I could squeeze in a shop I'd remember to put crackers on the list. My then H would come home from work starving so I'd have to get going on the second big meal of the day. It was hard work. I missed my parents when they went home though.

Surelyknot · 12/10/2014 18:47

yes, more frequent shorter visits is definitely better!

doziedoozie · 12/10/2014 18:50

Well, you have to toughen up and not entertain them.

For example, make sure they hire a care they can use. Arrange stuff to go to on your own with apologies that they can't come too. Look harassed at meal times.

Get brochures of things going on locally and give them to them saying DCs would love to go to that with you!

Pistone · 12/10/2014 18:51

Do they contribute to food OP while they're staying?

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 12/10/2014 18:54

YANBU. I have lived through something similar. My dad and stepmother moved abroad when I was pregnant with my first child. It was made very clear that they were moving to enjoy better weather and a better way of life that England could not offer them. Fair enough.
However, when they did grace us with their presence it was all about them. They expected to be waited on hand and foot (they stayed at my sisters), we were expected to drop everything for their visits (and we often got just days notice of their arrival!).
We were expected to go to their home abroad, I didn't (as I had no passport and could not afford one) go. My sister and step brother did, and both said it was awful. That they were made to feel very uncomfortable, like they were an inconvenience and were intruding on them. So they both gave up visiting.
In the end my dad stopped visiting us all, and split from my step mother.
I chose to go NC earlier this year. This was not to do with the visits, though this did add to the ill feeling between us.

So I can see where you are coming from, because for about 5 years I lived through the long distance parental relationship. It is hard. Your parent (in my case my dad) isn't just a quick car journey away when you want a chat and a cuppa. Sometimes you just need a bit of mothering (I needed that myself recently - so I went to my MIL ;) ) and that can not be done from abroad. But then you don't want them living with you for weeks on end because it can be over load, I love my in-laws, but when we lived together we got quite snippy at each other. Too much of a good thing!

I think if you want to keep the harmony with your parents you need to talk to your family and see if there is some way to spread the visit between you all. Or all chip in for a holiday cottage where you could all go and stay together for a week or 2? Or all chip in for your parents to stay in a holiday let and you visit them there as though it were there home?
Otherwise the resentment will build and the visits will lessen.

Original poster
CuthbertDibble · 12/10/2014 18:55

We don't have dc, that's why they love coming back here, peace and quiet! All of their dgc are within half an hour or so, they can go visit then come back and chill out.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 12/10/2014 18:58

"They're wrapped up in their own selfish lives and are oblivious to any problems their children back home are having."

Are the children adults? Why on earth shouldn't parents of grown-ups have their own lives now? It is NOT selfish to not be at your children's beck and call when they are adults. Not at all.

peppapigonaloop · 12/10/2014 19:03

Yanbu..house guests of any more than a few days is hard work..parents or not..how does your DH feel? Must be even harder for him..
We were abroad for a few years and were grateful to everyone who visited but would have LOved for them all to be close for frequent short visits..it's really no fun having extended house guests..

Pistone · 12/10/2014 19:15

I agree minty, to a certain degree, but that wasn't a generalisation, I was talking about a specific couple who most certainly are oblivious to their grownup childrens problems. Of course they're quite free to do as they please but I know of many ex pats who manage to live abroad and enjoy a nice pleasant retirement while still caring about their family back in the UK and taking an interest in their grand children's lives. If they can help their families in any way they do. I think a nice happy balance can be achieved.

wobblyweebles · 12/10/2014 23:48

I understand people moving abroad for a better life. I did it.

When my parents visit for 2 weeks at a time I make it clear that they will make at least half the meals and do most of the grocery shopping. They need to rent a car to be able to get anywhere.

I give them the spare room with en suite and show them how to get their ipads online to watch UK tv (we don't have any broadcast tv).

Yes it's tiring having visitors for that long but kind of special too.

HoVis2001 · 13/10/2014 00:10

YANBU. My PIL are wonderful people and as my husband is an expat here in the UK they live a long flight away. Thus far they've come once a year for three to four weeks at a time. This year was the first time they stayed with us as it's the first time we had a spare room and it. Was. So. Bloody. Hard. I honestly love them both to bits but three weeks is a long time to suspend normal life, to adjust what you cook to different preferences, to plan daily entertainment or to have to talk over breakfast with a pair of morning people.

It is such a different way of interacting than with family members who live nearby and there's no shame in finding long visits tough!

MooseyMouse · 13/10/2014 06:37

I understand how you feel. My parents moved abroad and they come back regularly. I miss them a lot. I wish we could pop round to their place or even just drive to them for the weekend but, with them being abroad it's airport parking and planes etc etc. it costs more than we can afford.

Then when they visit, they're here in my house and I love them to bits but sometimes it's tricky. The relationship is feast or famine and little quirks and habits on both sides can be hard work.

I absolutely dread them getting old because I have no idea how my brother and I will be able to support them in another country but they have no friends/network to move back here for (except us) so I can't see they'd want to.

I just miss them and wish they hadn't chosen life abroad over life near us.

So I get what you're saying completely. x