OP – I am in exactly the same situation as you. I’ve spent the last 24 hours debating with myself whether to post here or not because some of the posters have really shaken me up to the point of tears. Ultimately however, I want to be able to show solidarity.
My parents moved abroad on a whim and didn’t want to think about all the boring details. They thought there would be no need to consider where to stay when coming back for visits because there would be no need to come back – they would be inundated by family and friends coming to them for free holidays. This didn’t happen. Most people want to spend their holidays actually being on holiday rather than one long prolonged visit with family.
They also didn’t consider for a second that there would be reasons, both good and bad, to come home – weddings, babies and funerals have all happened and each time they act as if nothing in the world could have prepared them for such unpredictable events.
I used to be so excited at the prospect of having them to stay but their visits are become more frequent and longer. They now come back for six weeks every summer because the heat is too much for them in their adopted country, plus at least two further stays of at least 3-weeks at other times in the year. It is too much, I can only see this increasing more and I am stressed almost to breaking point.
As another poster has said, they are trying to live a two-house lifestyle which is incompatible with their actual funds and lifestyle but it is my DH and I who seem to be paying the price while they just live the life they please. They have never once asked in advance about booking flights, they just tell us when they are coming and to hell if those dates are inconvenient for us. They don’t seem to grasp that we have lives which don’t stop when they come. Both DH and I have tried to deal with complicated work problems plus health, depression and fertility issues during their visits which we would much rather have dealt with in private.
I hate being this person. I don’t want to resent my parents or think a single nasty thought about them. I don’t like myself when they are here and I’ve tried so hard to change my own behaviour around them. I’ve even been to counselling to try to deal with my responses and to manage my own behaviours better. I’ve thought every possible bad thought about myself – most re-enforced by some of the attitudes towards the OP here; I’m a terrible daughter, an awful person. I don’t deserve to have parents, I need to man up and get on with it… The fact remains however that while I might need to manage the situation better, I also can’t take full responsibility and most decent people just wouldn’t put that level of stress of responsibility on another person, whether that person is an adult child or not.
Like the OP, my parents take over my house. They truly do see my home as “the family home” and just as much theirs to use while they are in the UK. They do “contribute” in that they go grocery shopping but we halve the bill – which is great apart from the fact that they must eat meat at every meal (we don’t) and will only buy the best brand names. They don’t eat pasta, rice, salads or soups whereas all of these are staple weekday meals for me to keep to a budget, so my half of the bill is invariably 3 x more than my usual weekly grocery bill and they end up preparing meals, for which I should be grateful, but it never anything I would actually chose to eat. Then there are the increased heating bills – they insist on having the heating cranked up and the electric fire on full blast, even in July because they are “used to a hot country”. I would estimate that each visit by them to us, costs me at least £500. And then they wonder why we live on a budget, rarely have nights out and try to get by with layers of jumpers as late into the winter as possible before we concede to the central heating.
Like the OP, we are the default accommodation providers because we have a spare room and no kids. Our spare room is a single bedroom in a tiny flat which doesn’t help matters as we really are living in each others’ pockets. We don’t have the space for four adults – there isn’t even room for more than three of us to sit in the living room at any one time. I know how petty and first world it sounds but going 6 weeks only sitting on the floor rather than being able to sink into your own sofa after a stressful day, really does add to the resentment. The irony is that my siblings live in much larger houses and although they have children also have three spare bedrooms between them, including, in DB’s case, one with an ensuite. They will not, however, entertain the notion of putting our parents up and the children factor is the most commonly cited reason. It just seems to be accepted that it is my lot in life to be the one who deals with all the parental care. I know they raised and nurtured me, which is why I feel so bad about this but does that really translate to them having carte-blanche to descend on my home and disrupt my life as and whenever they please?
We also rarely visit them and that is, like others here, due to finances and timings. DH and I both have careers with set holidays and for the last five years my parents have come here at precisely the time we have off for annual leave so we have gotten to the point that if we do have any other time in the year where we can take holidays – and afford to go away – we feel that we have already spent the majority of our annual leave at home with my parents so don’t want to use the remainder in their home with them. They, of course, cannot understand this.
I think even the best houseguests would outstay their welcome after more than 10 days. My house is not my own when they are here; I have a fairly demanding job and sometimes all I want is to come up and flop onto the sofa, watch some trashy tv and chill out but for weeks on end, I go from work to cleaning up after them to making conversation with my parents and their never-ending stream of visitors to my home. I can't just have nonsense or private conversations with DH. Last year, DH, who is one of the most patient and respectful people I know, came close to walking out. The disruption on our life and marriage cannot be underestimated and I hate that it is my parents of all people who are creating this problem. I want to look forward to their visits and make the most of time spent with them but all I see these days are lazy, demanding houseguests who are, quite frankly, taking the piss about the frequency and duration of their visits. I’m 35 years old and feel like I am still a child living with my parents – making the most of my free time between their visits, rather than being the home-owner who should have some degree of control over the situation.
I tried having the talk with them last year. Tried to explain that I feel like a stranger in my own home when they are here and as much as I love them and love seeing them, they need to reconsider the duration of their visits as it is just too much. This didn’t go well; we argued and then didn’t speak for 6 weeks. I felt awful at that time. Being NC was too hard; I do love my parents and I want a relationship with them but we also can’t keep going on the way we are. I would rather have them here more often than not see them at all – but I wish they would be adult enough to recognise the toll that it is taking and come to a compromise rather than the relationship being on their terms, which is how I currently feel. In the meantime, my attempts to talk this over has also alienated me from my siblings who blamed me for potentially ruining my parents relationship with their grandkids. You see, they want them to visit but won’t offer to put them up – and my parents would never ask as long as I am here to pick up that role.
People keep telling me to organise a hotel for them but they cannot afford that and I would never see them destitute or refuse to help. I do wish they have never moved abroad. I know that is selfish but there it is. Or, at the very least, I wish they had thought through the consequences of moving abroad, considered that they might need a base back in the UK or at least ensured they had money aside for accommodation when needed. I’ve heard them telling friends here who are considering such a move to not worry about the detail everything will work out and there will be someone to put them up when they come back. I don’t grudge them their perfect life abroad but I do grudge the expectation that they can continue they can continue the lifestyle without having discussed or recognised the impact on the lives of family back here. I would love to see my mum every week and have a proper relationship with her; pick up the phone whenever I want without worrying about time differences and overseas charges. I'd like to be able to visit them and care for them when needed without having to consider whether I can afford to see them or the impact on my job.