To wish my parents hadn't moved abroad?

[CuthbertDibble]

They seem to be missing out on so much, there have been a few more grandchildren born since they went and they don't have the same, lovely, relationship that they had/have with the ones that were around before they went.

The other issue is they don't have their own place over here so they end up staying for two to three weeks and they do it two or three times a year. We're good with house guests, we have lots, but more than a long weekend becomes a bit of an imposition.

I love my parents but they are now turning into annoying guests I'd rather not have to entertain.

Anybody else have issues like this?

I completely understand where you are coming from. DP is Australian and so we are used to having family stay for weeks at a time. It is tough but manageable because his mum is super helpful. My mother on the other hand . . . would drink us out of house and home during that period!

I'm flabbergasted to be honest that anyone would say its completely normal to be cheesed off that your parents are coming to stay for 2 or 3 weeks. You have a spare room & bathroom so why is it a hardship?

It's completely normal to be cheesed off that your parents are coming to stay for 2 or 3 weeks. We lived overseas and ours came for 3 weeks at a time. They did most of the dishes, which was great, but I still had to plan shop and cook 2 meals most days that suited their tastes i.e meat and veg nothing 'forrin', spicy or remotely interesting, with no help, and spend 3 whole weeks making polite conversation with people with whom we have very little in common and who drive me up the wall by the end of a weekend visit. You can't relax in your own home, you have to spoon feed them ideas of things to do just to get them out of the house for a few hours and you find yourself looking forward to Monday so you can go to work and have a few hours off!

We partly saved our sanity by 'encouraging' them to go off and visit other areas of the country i.e. you really must visit XX while you're here, getting them out of the house for 2-3 days mid visit (over a weekend). Yours might not want to do touristy stuff but you may have to make this a 'rule' of the visit that they pay to stay somewhere for a couple of nights mid-visit just so you get a break. And lay down some rules about housework and shopping. It's not on that they sit around being waited on, you're not a hotel.

YANBU. My inlaws moved abroad and now turn up and stay in our house for about 3 weeks every year or so. They don't have enough money to stay in hotels because they spent all their cash on a palace of a house nobody ever visits. Their visits always seem timed for periods of big upheaval - last time it was just as my twins were starting nursery, so each night I'd bring them home and instead of being able to decompress and get a cuddle and so they had to be sociable with their grandparents who they didn't recognise. It is not ideal. Of course it's their lives etc but I think I will make efforts to stay in my kids' home country when I am retired.

They might be coming to stay so often because nobody will come and see them. You said you don't have any children but you only go out to see them every couple of years? Do they live in Peru?

YABU. They are your parents, not a random older couple.

YANBU OP.

Any houseguests make me twitchy after a couple of days. I like to be able to sit around on an evening without having to be 'on call' for anyone.

So, if they choose to visit then they should have to stay for the bulk of the time in a holiday let or a hotel. If it's out of peak season you can generally get some good prices. If they can't afford it then they should have planned for this better.

I had 3 family members visiting earlier this year - I put two up in the local Premier Inn and one stayed in our spare room. I could not have had 3 extra people in our house sharing space. One was enough. I paid for the premier inn- it was worth it for my own peace of mind and was only £29 per night

I hate to stay in other people's homes myself. Family or not. I would always find the money for a hotel - or not go.

Yanbu. What is the saying- something like houseguests are like fish- after a few days they start to stink? Something like that. Yes we have to respect and accommodate them but it is natural to get a bit irritated having your personal space imposed on, more work created for you etc.

my parents are in the uk but despite supposedly moving closer three years ago, they live three hours away. At some points they stay in my house one week out of two, which is way too much and it is more like one week a month now. I love them to bits and want to see them but my dad does expect to be waited on hand and foot and creates loads of mess while moaning about everything. They do also keep a lot of their stuff here (tea tray, toothbrushes, dressing gown, femfresh!, electric blanket) to increase their comfort and reduce my dads moaning! There is no doubt they make themselves at home.
My brother lives overseas and so they only see him once a year, but stay for a month in his house! Understandably there have been some fallouts with my sil as a result. When we visit him we stay three or four days at a time and travel and stay in hotels the rest of the trip. But my parents are too tight to pay for a hotel.

obviously it is fine for them to live overseas but yanbu to be annoyed and you may have to have a chat!

YANBU and YABU - its really tricky, and depends so much on the type of people your parents are.

My PIL live in Australia, so when they come they visit for about 4-5 weeks. It used to be every year, but now that they're so much older it isn't as frequent.

For the sake of that visit (and other possible visits, both sides Australian) we rented a larger flat/house at greater expense to us. That was DIFFICULT. At the moment they wouldn't be able to stay with us because we don't have the space...

My PIL were quite rigid in some ways, they had a routine that they liked to follow, but they made the effort to be more flexible around us, and did their best to stop their routine affecting us.

But, I had to make a point of NOT being too concerned about that routine. If they wanted a drink at 6 pm, well they know where the drinks are, they know where the crackers are and can help themselves. (And the first time my DH came home and fussed over them for an hour, rather than coming upstairs to check on me and our new born I had had a REALLY bad day with I tore absolute shreds off him and the atmosphere that evening was beyond icy. None of them EVER made that mistake again!!!)

You need to make sure they have minimal impact on your life as far as affecting it badly. Clear a shelf in the cupboard, or get a temporary box for them to use - and make it clear that THEY need to buy things to go in there. Encourage THEM to take their turns in cooking meals. (In that regard I'm pretty spoilt by my MIL, she's a fabulous cook and will prepare most of the meals while they are here!) If they need special food, send them to the nearest supermarket and give them the number of the taxi company to get home with the groceries.

The joy of having them stay with you is that you DON'T have to turn your life upside down in order to see them. You go to work, you get around and do your normal things and because they are with you, you see them over breakfast, you see them for/after dinner, etc. I've actually found it harder to see any family when they HAVEN'T stayed with me.

Having said that if my own DM came to stay with me I think I'd lose the plot within 3 days...... She thinks I'm a child that she needs to give instructions to for EVERYTHING. When I stay with her I can escape, if she were here there'd be no escaping......

I'm the one who moved overseas but am fortunate enough that my parents visit regularly (and I do think I'm fortunate). They stay for 4-5 weeks, twice a year.

Yes, by the end they're driving me a bit mad by just being round but it's still lovely to see them.

I think setting boundaries and rules are the key. You make soup or sandwiches or something for lunch, end of discussion. If a sandwich is requested point them in the direction of the fridge! It's not that mean a thing to do.

If they're heading out, tell them to bring some groceries back.

It's okay to say, this is what we're doing today if you'd like to join in that's okay, but otherwise we'll be home at X and dinner will be later.
Etc etc.

I figure that they're parents and looked after us as kids, and it's only fair we do the same in return. That said, as kids we had to pitch in so it's only fair long term guests do too.

My parents don't live abroad but do live 300 miles away. It's a 6 hour trip to see them. My step-mother has an illness which means she is on a transplant list. She has to stay with a certain radius of the hospital to be able to get there in time if she gets a call. Our house does not fall anywhere near inside this radius.

I have a 9mo son and have to travel to them every couple of months. It's a long way but we don't mind at all as they love seeing their grandson and it's lovely to see them, even if the trip is exhausting. Luckily my son is brilliant in the car.

I think YABslightlyU but maybe I am projecting my situation. I would love to not have to travel a 600 mile round trip for my parents to see their grandson. At least yours come to you. Sorry if any of this sounds blunt, it really isn't meant to x

My Mum used to come on extended visits when we lived abroad. She wouldn't lift a finger to do anything and expected to be waited on hand and foot, and would say things like "You could die of thirst around here!" despite being shown where the kettle and drinks trolley were. She wouldn't play with the kids, help in the kitchen or do anything. She plonked her arse in the armchair, stuck her nose in a book and remained there for the duration, like a malign presence. She doesn't like DH and if he tried to engage her in conversation, would either ignore him or say to me "What did he say?"

On the couple of occasions she did get out of her chair, it was to rearrange my furniture, as I had "no idea" about anything. This is her favourite phrase. If I disagree with her about anything, she looks at me pityingly, and says "You've really no idea, have you? You'll learn."

I feel your pain, OP, I really do. When my Dad was alive, she was marginally less worse, and the only way to deal with the pair of them was to give them an itinerary and book them on lots of trips, so that they were doing something every day (I think they saw every corner of Israel in the two weeks they were there). It was Not Good Enough to expect them to spend some of the time on the beach, although they loved beach holidays and used to go on at least two a year.

My dad used to visit twice a year for a month each time.

I was obviously very lucky as he just slotted in with whatever we were doing, and cooking for one extra was hardly noticeable.

He would always wash up though!

Thanks for all your responses, it's nice to know that I'm not being completely unreasonable in feeling like this.

I was going to write more but it just makes me sound really petty and childish and I don't want to be that person. That's half the problem, I don't like how it makes me feel. I want to enjoy their visits, instead I end up getting frustrated and annoyed.

OP - I don't think you rae being unreasonable and it's converstaions my DB and I are trying to have with my parents currently - they've had a holiday home in France for 12 years and 5 years ago they sold up the family home, bought 2 flats and a small 2 bed house, renting out the 2 flats keeping hte 2 bed for themselves. Now they are properly retired they want to rent out the 2 bed house too and live in France full time, coming back "for a month at a time" and "staying with people".

I have spelt it out, we have 2 DCs in a 3 bed house, I do not have a spare room, and putting one on an airbed in the other DCs room is something I'd do for 1 night, not a month. DB has harder issues, as he has no DCs and a 4 bed house, but he doesn't want them to stay for months at a time, and his DP has as good as said he'd leave!

My parents also have these rosy ideas of us all going to their holiday house for a holidays, but I've been once since having DC1 and DC2 hasn't been at all, it's the middle of nowhere, which is what htey wanted, but an 8 hour drive once we have crossed into france isn't practical with 2 small DCs and the only airline that does the route is Ryanair, is very expensive and we'd need to hire a car with car seats at the other end or be stuck in the house with them all week - it's a holiday we priced up at nearly a grand, it would be more once DC2 needs her own seat on the plane, to go somewhere that's not really very touristy so there's not much for small children to do. We'd only go as "duty" visits, not for actual fun.

DB feels the same, he's not been for 8 years and with limited holiday allowance, just doesn't fancy it. We were discussing that we feel we should go, but out of sense of duty, not after a 'cheap/free holiday'.

My parents have claimed htey plan to stay in hotels when they come back, but we'll see, my dad has deep pockets and short arms. I do think their 'plan' is to stop with DB.

It's sad, they say they love spending time with the DGC, and make me feel guilty for not making them available whenever they are back, but they are making a choice to do something that makes life harder for everyone else.

I dread when they are at old age, not sure how we are going to do any sort of care for them via a different country, or if they will come back and need looking after. Which seems unfair compared to say, PIL needing care later one when they are around more and help us out now.

oh and 2 weeks is too long! I would sit them down and say so, they you love seeing them but htey need to break up the trips more, if they can't afford to pay for hotels, then spread round staying with other family, perhaps say you think more than a week with you is just too much, so they could do a long weekend at yours, a few days in a hotel, a few days with other family then back to yours.

You can ask them to stay elsewhere, say it's too much and your home isn't their holiday home in the UK.

If they want the 2 home lifestyle, that's fine, but they can't expect their adult DC to provide it for them. If they can't afford the lifestyle they want, then perhaps they can't afford to have the place abroad and need to move back to the UK.

Mary thank you, that is exactly it, especially the visiting them. It's not a holiday, it's a family visit but one that uses up our holiday entitlement and costs a load of money in flights and hire car.

Re the asking them to stay elsewhere, I can't do that, I'm their daughter, they'd be heartbroken.

So glad you are not my daughter if your parents who nurtured and cared for you to adulthood are such an imposition every 2 years.

In fact I'm not surprised they went to live abroad if this is their 'family'

I think you should, because it's making you unhappy, do you have a DP? It's unfair to have your PIL just turn up for weeks with no say in it.

I would call them and say you'd like to have a chat now and talk about their next planned visit (Christmas?) and say it's not working for you (and DP?) to always host them, that you love them very much but you find them staying for a fortnight a bit much and would they consider staying elsewhere for part of the visit to give you a break? Perhaps hint that it would be nice to be able to invite your ILs to stay over Christmas...

It might be worth speaking to your DB and DSis in advance and tell them you are going to have this conversation, they might not have spare rooms, but would they be able to offer to have your parents for a couple of nights, get them to perhaps even raise it first that it's a long time to ask to stay with you and "Mum, have you checked Cuthburt doesn't mind you staying that long? I love you very much but not sure I could have houseguests for a fortnight if it was me!"

Start the converstaion, better than to ruin your relationship with them by resentment.

I would go nuts if my mum or ILs stayed with us for 2-3 weeks at a time, 3 times a year! It's too long to be switched 'on' the whole time. But MIL and her DH do now rent an apartment when they go to Australia to visit SIL and her family, they know that a month at theirs is far too long, and they like to have their own space too.

I don't really know what to suggest but somewhere along the line you're going to have to have a heart-to-heart about it otherwise resentment is going to build up.

It's not every two years, it's two-three weeks, two or three times each year.

I'd happily have them to stay for a long weekend three or four times a year and it's not just me they nurtured, I have two siblings but both lack the space for house guests.

Isn't the problem though that they aren't good guests?

Not that you don't want to see them or have them to stay?

They'd be heartbroken not to stay, but it's not working for you!

You have to say something.

It's not a holiday, it's a family visit but one that uses up our holiday entitlement and costs a load of money in flights and hire car.

Could you ask the rest of the family to pick them up at airports, sort car hire and stuff ? Or not take holiday - say you can't and let them find their own way round?

I found my parents visits a trial - their attitude make me feel like a guest in my own house as they were UK base it was never as long as 2 weeks.

MY IL visits were fine - until we ceased to have a spare room - then they got upset with us. After 10 years of having a spare room MIL couldn't grasp that we didn't any more. When we finally bought she seriously suggested that we should buy a house with only two bedrooms - one room would be there's when they visited - thus meaning my then 3 DC would have no bedrooms.

She was never happy visiting afterwards however we rearranged the house - now they stop in a cheap hotel.

So I'd set boundaries now and ask questions about their expectations once you cease to have a spare room.

Antonia - not all parents "nurture and care for their children." I went to work as soon as I'd left school, as my mother refused to pay anything towards my grant (as it then was), despite being pretty well off. In her view, I should "start to pay back some of the money that was spent on me for the first 18 years of my life." In fact, she charged me so much for staying at home when I was working, that it was cheaper, much cheaper, to move out and share a flat. And if I wanted to go home for Christmas, I got charged for that too.

So not much nurturing and caring there!

Sorry, the 'it's not a holiday' comment was meant to refer to us going to visit them.

I just wish they lived back here, I'd love to see them more often (but for shorter periods). I'd like to be able to pop round for an afternoon, meet up for lunch, go out for dinner, have family get togethers on a Saturday or Sunday. That's what we used to do before they moved abroad.

Could you not book and do what you want with your holiday time - rather than visit them?

I'd like to be able to pop round for an afternoon, meet up for lunch, go out for dinner, have family get together on a Saturday or Sunday. That's what we used to do before they moved abroad.

No point dwelling on that as it's not a possibility - though it's understandable thing to miss it.

I thought when we ended up closer to my parents we'd do stuff like this as they did with my siblings - never happened you find other stuff to do.

I think you have few issues - one missing what it used to be like with them in UK - two having them as house guests frequently and for long periods and three feeling that you have to visits them rather than have holidays you want.

They've moved unless they are talking about coming back it's the new normal and you have to find a way of being ok with it. With visits to you and then visits to them you need to be thinking about what you want or can deal with instead of fitting in round them.

OK, kick up the bum time, put up, shut up or persuade DH to move to a little one-bed