Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To want a girl

153 replies

daisiesandpoppies · 09/10/2014 21:01

Due next month.

I haven't had the gender confirmed but am almost positive it's a boy.

He'll be loved and adored, don't worry, but I have to admit given completely free choice I'd have chosen a girl, if I could.

Has anyone else had this? Was it ok when baby was actually born?

OP posts:

Titsalinabumsquash · 10/10/2014 10:25

I will just add that I am a product of gender disappointment.

I was meant to be a boy, after 2 sisters my Dad wanted a son, I was repeatedly told how he sobbed in theatre when I was delivered and not with joy.

I am now at the grand old age of 27 receiving counselling after having a breakdown due to life time if not being good enough.

We've worked out in my sessions that it is a direct response to being born a disappointment.

I resent my father for that (not that I've seen him since I was 4, my parents marriage ended because he needed a son)

27 YEARS is a long time to be fucked up over this, it's bloody miserable I can tell you, it's made me really hate accepting myself as a woman and embracing my gender, it's effected relationships, work, education, parenting.

Only1scoop · 10/10/2014 10:28

Op I desperately wanted a girl and felt very lucky to have dd who is now 4.

Last year I was pregnant and was told at scan it was a boy. I felt quite upset actually....if I'm totally honest....however
We lost the baby at 17 weeks and I felt tremendous guilt at being down on having a boy....

I do understand where you are coming from I'd be lying if I said I didn't....however in the great scheme if things it really doesn't matter as you will love that baby so much.

Good luck.

Only1scoop · 10/10/2014 10:29

Titsa....that is absolutely awful to read

TheStarsLookDown · 10/10/2014 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumpsadaisie · 10/10/2014 10:51

I imagined boys and when I found out my eldest was a girl at the scan I had a bit of disappointment. However I soon adapted to the idea. I imagined she would be a tomboy like me. She is 5 now and she is a real girly girl, I don't allow the worst kind of pink tat, but she just loves pretty things and beads and doing sparkly arts and crafts, all the things I used to hate. I love her to bits! She isn't like me at all, and she is great. I am also exploring my own girly side more, so that I can link up with her enthusiasms. She has been great for my own personal growth too as well as being my precious baby.

My second is a boy and he is great! Lego and trucks and climbing. And LOTS of cuddles.

Children "grow you" in all sorts of ways you never expect. Even if they are the gender you wanted, they still won't be the person you imagined. No matter - the real life one will be so much more interesting than the fantasy child you have in your head.

Bumpsadaisie · 10/10/2014 10:52

Ooh stars, near simultaneous posts saying about the same thing!

Sweetpea01 · 10/10/2014 10:54

I wanted a boy first time round and got DS. I was desperate for a girl on the second pregnancy and got DD.

Was very lucky, but really it wouldn't have made any difference whatsoever in the end.

I have and would always find out gender at a scan if possible, as I like to prep myself beforehand and I think any slight disappointment can be done away with then.

Original poster

daisiesandpoppies · 10/10/2014 10:57

Tits I am sorry you had a hard time of things.

Yours is pretty extreme, however, and I won't feel misplaced guilt over feelings I can't help and won't allow to be shown, whatever the gender.

OP posts:

BedPig2013 · 10/10/2014 12:20

I felt certain that my dd was a girl when I was pregnant and honestly I wanted a girl, before I had the gender scan I would find myself calling my bump girly or referring to it as she, I did have a girl but I'm sure I'd love her just as much if she were a boy

squoosh · 10/10/2014 12:37

It's absolutely a-okay to have a preference during pregnancy for a particular sex. It's not okay to be distressed or disgusted at the thought of having a boy/girl and it's really not okay to express disappointment after the birth of your child.

Genitals are no prediction of character. As long as my kids aren't dull I'll be happy.

DataColour · 10/10/2014 12:38

Boys are amazing! Girls are too! But my DS can be a handful. He is older by 21 months and he really is not the protective type towards his little sister...more of a tormentor really. So it really does depend on personality. But he is such a mummy's boy...he seeks out my attention and cuddles much more than my DD.
I can't really understand about gender preferences...both sexes are ace.

Spindarella · 10/10/2014 12:44

I wasn't bothered about gender per se but "wanted" two of the same. Which I got. When I say wanted, I mean, if I could have waved a magic wand, right at the moment of conception, which guaranteed gender that's what I'd have opted for.

I was just over the moon to be pregant though and loved my babies from the second I knew I was expecting. I wouldn't have been bothered in any way which gender they were if that makes sense?

MinimalistMommi · 10/10/2014 12:46

YANBU.
I really wanted a girl and had girls.
Whatever you have, you will love her/him!

Ludways · 10/10/2014 12:51

Like I say my mum cried for days after I was born as she wanted a boy, it's never bothered me at all knowing this. In fact when I tell her that she should feel guilty, we giggle together. I guess it has become a thing between us (her own father didn't look at her for 2 weeks, her being the third girl), it's a daft bond between us. It's like we know different to others, we know that it doesn't matter, that life goes on and people realise they were silly to be upset and they wouldn't change anything for the world. Her father adored her and she adores me. However, that said. If the feeling of gender disappointment carries on throughout childhood and effects how the child is treated then that is completely wrong.

My mum was disappointed as my dad wanted 4 children and she thought she'd stand a better chance of stopping at 2 if I'd been a boy and not another girl. I guess the disappointment was external of her direct feelings for me. Maybe that made it different.

Ludways · 10/10/2014 12:55

Oh and they did stop at two, lol, she got her way.

poolomoomon · 10/10/2014 12:56

It's interesting that the tables have turned over time at least in the western world and people have a preference for girls over boys though isn't it? When you think about much of Asia where boys are still very much the favourite and baby girls are even aborted, abandoned and left for dead or killed because they can't continue the family name and will get married so won't be around to take over the family business etc. It was the same here once upon a time too, everyone wanted boys over girls.

What's sad is the superficial reasons people want girls though. "I want to dress them up in nice clothes and play dolls with them." . Because all girls love pink frilly things and no boys do at all, yes of course.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a slight preference but really not be bothered either way but when people are actually disappointed at the gender of their child, that's just horrid. Poor souls.

TheVeryThing · 10/10/2014 13:00

I don't know why I read these threads, I hate them so much.

The overwhelming preference for girls is depressing.

I can just about understand a very slight preference for one gender, but will never get my head around the very strong feelings expressed on these threads.

squoosh · 10/10/2014 13:02

It isn't my experience that people have an overwhelming preference for girls, it's only something I've seen on MN.

TheVeryThing · 10/10/2014 13:07

Agreed squoosh, I was referring to threads on here specifically.

I really should know better than to read them. They make me irrationally cross on behalf of my two beautiful sons.

Brassrubbing · 10/10/2014 13:11

I was always rather horrified by the gender essentialism on this kind of thread, but when I was pregnant with a child I knew was a boy, I remember one, completely unexpected pang of gender misery when I was visiting my parents and met up in an awful shopping centre with an old school friend with a teenage son. He was rude and graceless, speaking in monosyllables, and as she was looking for jeans for him, we ended up wandering around endless racks of dark blue and sludge coloured identical clothes. And out of the blue, I found myself thinking 'Is this what this baby is supposed to grow up into - an adult man with a limited emotional vocabulary whose clothes and emotional intelligence are restricted by society's limited ideas about what constitutes maleness?'

And I felt desperately sad. I copped myself on eventually, and realised that my baby would have me as a parent, and a wonderful male role model in my DH, and that I was partly sad because of the way I had been brought up, where men had all the power but were constructed as emotionally stunted and simple-minded.

DS is 2.5 and unspeakably wonderful.

All I would say on the subject of gender disappointment is that people should realise that it's nothing to do with the character of the baby you're carrying, and everything to do with what you've internalised from society's attitudes towards gender.

wonderingsoul · 10/10/2014 13:13

i just wanted to add for thouse who dont think boys are cudlly or dont have that special relationship with their mothers.

your wrong, some boys dont, just like some girls dont, but both my boys are extreamly cuddly, my almost 9 year old still comes into bed for cuddles and will happyly hold my hand and still demands a kiss goodbye at school gates, even though he says his friends make fun of him for it he says "i dont care, your my mum and i love you so why shouldnt i give you a kiss goodby"
im not sure if its becasue i am a lone parent and they dont see thier dad but we have a very special bond and it really feels like a "us agasint the world"

TwigsRidesAgain · 10/10/2014 13:14

I wanted a boy. I imagined DH and I with a boy first with hopefully a girl next. It was because I loved having a big brother when I was young. Found out it was twins and then hoped for one of each, it was

Sallystyle · 10/10/2014 13:20

I always wanted girls.

Had three boys and thought I was done and yes, I was sad I would never have a girl. Re-married and had two girls. If I was to ever have more I would hope for a boy

LucilleBluth · 10/10/2014 13:23

Brassrubbing I agree. My boys have me and DH......my eldest is 13, we talk about music, sing in the car, laugh at comedy shows, have inside jokes, he can be stroppy and moody but his hormones are raging right now and boys don't get much leeway with regards to puberty.

DS2 is 10 and is my shadow. He snuggles up to me every night and tells me about his day. He's a football superstar who is gifted and talented at maths.

They are people first and foremost, their gender in irrelevant, they are my children.

I also have a 3yo DD.....and do you know what, up to now I see no difference between her brother at three and her right now.

Spindarella · 10/10/2014 13:25

U2TheEdge I have boys and I think they seem so easy compared to girls - feed them, let them play, cuddle them. Fine! There seems to be a lot more complexities with girls - or maybe the friends I know with girls have particularly complex girls!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7