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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a girl

153 replies

daisiesandpoppies · 09/10/2014 21:01

Due next month.

I haven't had the gender confirmed but am almost positive it's a boy.

He'll be loved and adored, don't worry, but I have to admit given completely free choice I'd have chosen a girl, if I could.

Has anyone else had this? Was it ok when baby was actually born?

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/10/2014 08:03

I had a mild preference for a girl because I was one, don't know much about boys. I definitely didn't want a princess though. Didn't find out gender but we convinced ourselves it was a boy and we were right. Absolutely adore him, couldn't imagine anything else now we have him.

skylark2 · 10/10/2014 08:06

I thought I really wanted a girl. I had a girl. I love my daughter to bits (and am missing her like mad now she's away at uni).

It's her little brother who's much more like me. We spent half an hour in the car yesterday discussing which pieces of music we thought we could identify from the first five notes. She'd have rolled her eyes and plugged her ipod in.

Your life isn't complete until you are dead. Producing both genders of kids is neither here nor there.

WhiskeyTangoAlphaFoxtrot · 10/10/2014 08:06

I think it is up to u to wqnt what u want so no u r not unreasonable.

I have a friend that only has one child, and she regularly expresses her relief and sense of goodfortune that her one child is a girl. That does rankle a bit tho, as she generailises all the time about what girls do/ love (ie what SHE loves). My dd wouldnt have fitted in to her family because of her ... personality!!! I have a gentleman's family but no gentleman.

Natalia32 · 10/10/2014 08:08

I am expecting my 2nd DS and if I am entirely honest I am a little disappointed that I will not get to buy lovely dresses and play dolls, but I also think it will be wonderful to have 2 boys who will hopefully play together, look up to their mummy, share a room for a good while etc etc It is normal to have a fleeting moment of disappointment if you were expecting a DD, but there are so many wonderful pluses with raising a boy that you should really embrace it OP.

combust22 · 10/10/2014 08:12

"I am a little disappointed that I will not get to buy lovely dresses and play dolls"- there is no guarantee that a girl will be like this though. My DD hated ( and still does) pink, all that frilly fairy stuff she despised, she was happiest in her dungarees digging holes in the garden.

LittleMilla · 10/10/2014 08:14

fish I feel quite sad that you're afraid of raising a boy based on the fact you haven't had any good male role models around.

I've got two little boys who are just incredible. far more affectionate than my friends' little girls and they are just scrummy.

to be honest, I was quite afraid of having girls because I was such an utter bitch when a teen! but I think that your own upbringing and circumstances will slightly influence what sex you feel more comfortable with.

if we decide to have a third I'm fully expecting another boy and will be delighted if so! just because I'm scared of having a girl that's as horrid as I was

combust22 · 10/10/2014 08:15

rainicorn- but why shouldn't women discuss their feelings? Should we be silenced? It is not uncommon for women to have a preference for one gender, usually it is mild but can be felt strongly.

I am sorry you feel hurt at times- maybe it's best to stay away from threads like this.

NotMNRoyalty · 10/10/2014 08:30

I know it was wrong but I always really wanted a girl but I was more than happy to have boys along the way too. I had two boys then two girls. I only found out the sex of DC3 so I could prepare for aboy or girl. I was worried I would be disappointed to have a girl. I know that's not right but it was how I felt
Now they are older (older teens/adults) I love them all for who they are, they are all so different.

Original poster

daisiesandpoppies · 10/10/2014 08:33

If I tried to explain why I want a girl I'd be silenced under the overwhelming 'logic' of not all girls doing that and not all boys being that :)

I still would love to have a girl, though. Just one of those daft things I know.

OP posts:

Meechimoo · 10/10/2014 08:42

I have three daughters and not one of them into dolls or girly stuff. They're all totally different from each other too!

ocelot41 · 10/10/2014 08:44

I think LittleMilla has totally put her finger on it. Although I can really see why people find these threads upsetting, IME friends who have had a strong reaction against having a boy ( as opposed to a fleeting disappointment that they won't be doing things they can relate to more easily) have often lacked really strong, loving male role models in their own childhood.

Men were either marginal to family life, absent or actively destructive. So good associations to do with 'family' are all about relations between women, including their own relationship with their mother. The friend who also used the word 'disgust' about having a baby boy to me had a father who was narcissistic and violent.

That says something about the society we live in, as well as women's personal lives. I don't think we should silence those concerns - I think we should listen to them carefully and then do our best to act positively on what we learn from them (risks sounding bloody preachy)

But seriously, shut up about how you feel and just look happy is a dreadful message to send to any new mum who is struggling.

LadyLuck10 · 10/10/2014 08:47

Op I'm with you. There is just something about having a girl. You can't help how you feel.

dancestomyowntune · 10/10/2014 08:50

Dd1 I wanted a girl. Ds1, I wanted a boy.

Ds2 I didn't really want to be pregnant, convinced myself if he was a girl I would be happier about the whole situation... found out at 20 week scan he was a boy and cried so much I reckon everyone thought I had miscarried! When he was born (cord around his neck, very fast delivery) I felt so guilty. I loved him instantly but suffered bad pnd and struggled to bond with him. It took time, but now I wouldn't change him for the world.

Dd2 I really didn't mind. I was just happy to be having another baby!

Now I am 13 weeks pregnant with dc5 and can't wait to find out. If I am totally honest, yes I would like another girl, but as long as baby is healthy I am happy. I already have two beautiful girls and two lovely boys. I am blessed. But yes, in my heart of hearts, I would like a girl!

ohfourfoxache · 10/10/2014 08:51

I'm 18/40 and am utterly convinced it's a boy. Torn between wanting to find out and waiting until the time comes.

I always thought we'd have girls but now I think otherwise.

It wouldn't really matter to me (the thought of having a son is lovely - my family are predominantly girls!) but I don't want to be "the mil" someday. My mil is a bitch and we've had problems with dh's family for a long time. I'm terrified of history repeating itself Out of every single couple I know, apart from 2, there have been "problems" with the man's family. What if that's me in the future?

Mil has made it very clear that DH was a disappointment (second of 2 ds's) and they were even thinking about adopting a girl after DH arrived. Just makes me sad to think of - I would never want there to be problems between my son and I, and I would never want him to feel unwanted in any way, shape or form (I've seen DH experience that and it breaks my heart)

So I can understand what you mean, OP - perhaps for slightly different reasons, but I'm sure you will love your dc with all your heart regardless.

Original poster

daisiesandpoppies · 10/10/2014 08:59

To be honest, being 'the mil' does depress me.

I know some DILs and MILs have lovely relationships but it is a relationship that is more likely to become fraught with difficulties, I find, as some women do get the attitude that 'DH has his own family now'.

OP posts:

Delphiniumsblue · 10/10/2014 09:05

I think you get that impression from MN, daisies and not RL. I know plenty of people who get in better with MIL than mother.
You only have to read MN to find any number of women who have a fraught relationship with their mother.
We are all different and it is the luck of the genes- you may get a girl but she may not be the one you fondly imagined!

Original poster

daisiesandpoppies · 10/10/2014 09:07

I don't fondly imagine anything; they'll be who they are.

OP posts:

Sleepswithbutterflies · 10/10/2014 09:18

I really really wanted a girl.
Everyone else wanted a girl (my parents, pil)
Everyone was openly disappointed when ds was born. My mother told me loads of 'facts' about boys - they cry more, they aren't as bright, they're exactly like their fathers and have no interest in their mothers. My father told me of his friend's granddaughters and how adorable they were. My pil expressed their disappointment that they hadnt had a granddaughter since they already have four grandsons. I felt shit. I felt liked I'd let everyone down.

I had Pnd and this played a large part of it. I cannot tell you how gutted I was to have a boy. I knew from 20 weeks he was a boy and it ruined my pregnancy. I compared him unfavourably to friend's little girls from the moment he was born. He wasn't as clever, he wasn't as cute, he wasn't as alert. I had really low expectations of him. It took about 18 months before I felt differently and 3 years before I felt fine about having a boy. Until then I felt he was inferior and everyone pitied me for drawing the short straw.

The joke now of course is that I can't have anymore children thanks to my emergency c section and I would give anything to have another baby, boy or girl. I do sometimes think I'm being taught a lesson for how ungrateful I was with ds.
I adore ds now by the way, adore him. But it took a really long time to feel like that.

ohfourfoxache · 10/10/2014 09:21

Oh Sleeps that is so sad

teenagetantrums · 10/10/2014 09:34

I have one of each, boy first, with my second I really wanted another boy, but got a girl. I adore them both, girl has been bloody hard work over the years , but now at nearly 18, she is fab. I can see why you would want a girl, what ever anyone says I think girls are closer to their mums when it comes to later in life when they have their own family, my parents were closer to my children and I was more comfortable letting them look after kids/take them on holiday than my inlaws,(who had issues to be honest with drinking and anger so this may not be normal in most relationships) my ex just went along with what I wanted in regards to the children. I love my son, he has been the easiest child to raise no drama, and we get along really well but he is not that keen to do shopping/coffee/ hanging out and now at 20 is moving in with his girlfriend, they spend lots of time with her family as she is very close to her mum, I don't know what the point i am trying to make really, just that I think my daughter will always turn to me first and maybe my son will defer to his future wife in regards to grandchidren and their life...

Rainicorn · 10/10/2014 09:42

I never said people cannot discuss their feeling or be silenced.

Equally, I am entitled to voice my opinion on this subject.

rebelfor · 10/10/2014 09:51

When I was younger and imagined myself with a baby, it was always a boy. When pregnant with my first, I absolutely convinced myself it was a boy (as 99% of the time in both families, a boy was born first). My partner was against finding out the sex at the scan, so I agreed.

When my daughter was born, my partner seemed worried at my reaction when the doctor announced she was a girl, but I honestly loved her instantly and am so happy now that I have a daughter.

I'm pregnant now, with a boy (and thrilled to be).

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 10/10/2014 10:19

fish - I hope for your unborn baby's sake it's a girl, as if it's a boy, I'd be worried for him after that comment.

BingBong36 · 10/10/2014 10:20

but the thought of a boy disgusts me

gosh reading that saddens me deeply - i really hope that you do get a little boy as they are utterly fantastic.

I have two little boys, both incredibly loving, both incredibly kind, and both so different from each other.

children are all individual no matter what their gender is and i think it is so so sad that everyone seems obsessed with having girls - i always feel i have to sit there and stick up for the little boys of the world!!

I have a friend who had two boys and then a girl - honestly, she goes on and on about her girl, the little girl is splashed all over FB with a Tu Tu on, pig-tails - all of which is very sweet but NONE of her boys - how sad.

no matter what the gener of your baby he/she is your's and it is the way that you bring them up - not all little girls are 'girly' i have many friends who have girls who are more boisterous than boys and refuse to wear a dress, etc..

just hope for a healthy baby.

RiverTam · 10/10/2014 10:23

I really wanted a girl and spent my pregnancy convinced it was a boy and getting my head around that. When the baby was born and they said it's a girl, I said 'are you sure????' because I had so successfully convinced myself it was a boy.

As she has turned out to be our one-and-only I am really pleased we have a girl.

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