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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my parents and sister have cut me off for seemingly no reason?

74 replies

PinkPolkaDotPurple · 09/10/2014 13:54

My parents and sister have always been quite difficult people. Parents are both abusive narcissists. Sister is the golden child.

My parents are both extremely oversensitive, getting offended at every little thing, and often reading things into things that simply are not there. As a child I would often get a hiding because I said something in a tone they didn't like, or looked at my dad the wrong way. As a teenager they would threaten to throw me out of the house and cut me off at every opportunity. I wasn't a badly behaved teenager by any stretch of the imagination, and crept around trying to please them. My mum would always scream and cry about any little thing and would take offence at everything. If I went to a friend's house, for example, I would be sulked at for days, and it would then come to a head a few days later with my mum having a screaming and crying 'tantrum', me getting a smack from my dad, and eventually it would blow over until the next time....

So, I am now late thirties and throughout my life my parents have cut me off several times. When they do this my sister cuts me off too. Each period of 'cutting off' lasts up to a year.

There was a period of cutting off about 10 years ago when my parents saw one of DH's friends in the street. DH's friend is quite a sarcastic, jokey person and made a joke, which my parents immediately took offence too and decided that DH and I had told him to say it. They didn't speak to DH and I for over a year, AND we didn't find out what we had supposedly done until they started talking to us again!

Another time they stopped talking to us for a few months because my dad popped round, at his insistence (he is a martryr) to paint something in our house, and apparently I didn't appear grateful enough and said hello to him in a strange tone.

There have been various other equally petty things, such as when I had PND after having DC1. My mum turned it round to being all about her, and said she couldn't cope with me having it and she would see me again when I was "more normal". And again lots more screaming and crying from her.

And now they are not speaking to us again, this time it's been about 16 months. This time we know the reason. Apparently it is because we were "off" with my sister and BIL over a year ago one day at my parents' house, and so my parents and sister have decided that I don't like my sister and BIL and I'm no longer welcome in any of their houses.

I was speaking with my Gran this morning, who said it's making her so sad that we're all not speaking, but I was saying that I am totally bemused about it and I've had enough of them cutting me off for no reason.

AIBU to be upset about it all? I just do not know how to handle it

OP posts:

ithoughtofitfirst · 09/10/2014 19:52

FUCK EM.

area52 · 09/10/2014 20:03

what ithought said...

Leeds2 · 09/10/2014 20:08

I would go NC too. They really don't deserve you.

LizLimone · 10/10/2014 01:02

Sounds like they bring nothing to your life except guilt, grief and stress so cutting ties can only help you. Leave them to it.

If they do decide to get in touch with you again then don't reciprocate. You can just refuse to be drawn into their drama. If you have to speak to them for some reason then just keep your tone neutral and disinterested e.g. 'Your mum is sick with all the stress you cause her!!!' Response: 'Really, that's a shame. Hope she feels better soon' and on in that detached vein.

Good luck. They sound like a nightmare.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/10/2014 02:28

They sound bloody awful specimens of humanity. I'm pretty sure you'll be saying 'oh but I've only said the bad stuff on here, they don't know how nice they can be other times' but noone who is that unpleasant, even just once is really nice deep down. Let alone multiple times.

ENormaSnob · 10/10/2014 06:18

With a bit of luck she will drop dead.

Fuck 'em.

Kakaka · 10/10/2014 06:38

OP, sometimes you just can't fight the crazy.

You sound like you would be happier without them around.

socially · 10/10/2014 06:41

Wow, you need to take some control here and stop letting them decide whether you're "in" or "out".

I don't see you would be missing out on anything by never seeing them again. Imagine the relief!

toomuchtooold · 10/10/2014 07:01

Yougatorade, I know people always talk about it being important for kids to have a relationship with their grandparents but I don't think that applies if the grandparents are abusive. In fact I think you need to be careful to protect your kids from their grandparents, seeing as they have a history of being abusive with you. And also, even if they were 100% lovely to your kids (yeah right, and see if they manage that as the kids get older) it's too big a sacrifice to ask you to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2014 07:17

Exactly op, you take control here, don't let them decide whether you have had enough punishment or not. Yes it us not in the dc best interests to have a relationship with toxic and abusive grandparents. What's to say they won't do the same with golden sisters dcs and op dcs. It's not nice for them watching mum being treated like that. When op is being punished, I presume op dc are on punishment too, not seeing grandparents or communicating with them for often long periods of time, then suddenly back on again! How confusing for them!

Op enough with this shit, you don't need it! Take a stand do them a favour when your being punished, continue tge non contact! Put phone down on toxic mum if necessary, and don't engage with her. You would not put up with this from anybody else, why your parents. You have had a life time of this, do you want your life to be continually miserable. No love and look after yourself and say no more. Read that Toxic Parents book.

diddl · 10/10/2014 07:22

When they are deigning to see you, do you enjoy seeing them?

Are you constantly behaving in a certain way for fear that they will cut you off again?

they just cut you off on a whim, don't they?

they really don't sound worth the effort.

If possible I do agree that you should not bother with them anymore.

SugarPlumTree · 10/10/2014 07:35

I feel for you OP, I really do. My Mother has Dememtia and last year said I was evil and plotting against me and reported me to SS. I didn't see her for months.

Roll on a year and I was seeing her again at her instigation. She is in a Nursing Home now. There was an incident and the Home called me in to talk to her. She flipped, said I twist things and to forget she is my Mother.

That was nearly 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since. I have no intention of answering her calls if she rings. She got the benefit of the doubt once due to her illness. But she never says this to my Brother, despite screaming rows on the phone and I believe that says a lot, that she is capable of controlling her behaviour and I will not be her whipping boy .

I had counselling last year which really helped and I am not prepared to be at her beck and call as she pleases as I fel I deserve better. Also I don't want to show my children that it is OK for someone to be vile to you without consequences.

backbystealth · 10/10/2014 07:55

I agree with everyone saying go no contact BUT I know it is not nearly as simple as that for you. Your whole life, your whole being has been moulded and intertwined with their emotionally abusive games. It will seem mountainous, impossible, terrifying to take control and tell them 'I'm not playing anymore'.

Just remember this - you are not alone by a long shot. You only have to read the hundreds of posts like yours on here. Your parents are textbook ...the threats, the blaming, then the trump card 'we're old, this will kill us'. It's a script. A script they know has worked very well all your life to keep you hanging then reign you back in when they want to.

Don't fall for it. They have not cared a jot for you and your emotional wellbeing. They will not fall down and die if you decide to cut them out. And if they do - it will be precisely nothing to do with you.

When they cry and scream and blame and threaten keep thinking of the way you have felt all these years. Get angry. Get strong. Practice some stock phrases to say to them. Do not listen to their whining - don't answer the phone or the door. Get TOUGH.

They are your parents by an unfortunate quirk of biology . If anyone else in your life treated you like this would you stay friends with them? Of course not. They don't like you or love you and they add only pain and upset to your life.

I'd urge you to get a very, very good counsellor to help and hold your hand while going no contact.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2014 08:12

Yes diddle op has said she alters her behaviour around her mum, trying to please her.

YackityYakYak · 10/10/2014 12:45

My mum will say she's been so upset about it all and go on and on about all the trouble and upset I have 'caused' her

'Well then you'd better stay away because I'm bound to upset you even more if you try to talk to me'.

Hissy · 10/10/2014 14:15

my mum pulls the health card and says that I will make her so stressed one day that she'll drop dead!. No she won't (drop down dead).

My mum will say she's been so upset about it all and go on and on about all the trouble and upset I have 'caused' her

So stop then, you'll be doing her a favour

Go NC right back at them. thank your lucky, lucky stars that they are not speaking to you.

Get on with your life. Wait for them to 'come round', decide you have been punished enough, then ignore, ignore, ignore for ever after. hear hear!

Ignore Gran who wants everyone to get on - my mum does this (I am NC with sister and father) and pours on the guilt. I don't care. They are toxic and I don't need them. Abso-bloodly-lutely! Why not direct your gran to go and talk to the bat shit crazies and tell them to sort it out

These people are batshit. they will never, ever, EVER be the people you need/would like them to be, or the people you deserve them to be. This is not about you at all, it's all about them. They choose to live the lives they live, and they choose to treat the players in their game the way they want to. So stop playing. Don't allow them the space in your life to hurt you.

I know that this is immensely hard to do in practice, it hurts like nothing else on earth, but there is a way through and there is another side to come out on. you WILL feel better eventually.

Can you afford some therapy? it will really help to have a space that is all yours to unpick all this hurt.

keep posting on Mumsnet - have you found the Stately Homes thread, it's exactly for people like you/us/me.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 10/10/2014 17:07

I hope you are doing okay OP.

winkywinkola · 10/10/2014 18:16

They are mad. Utterly barking.

It will never improve.

You will always 'upset' them.

You will never please these dreadful people.

I would go no contact permanently. And be so happy. Be happy.

hackmum · 10/10/2014 19:02

What you describe sounds like a personality disorder - though it's pretty unlucky if they both have one. (Simon Baron Cohen's book Zero Degrees of Empathy is pretty good on this - and was certainly eye-opening for me in respect of one family member.)

I agree with the consensus view: everything you do and say will always be wrong. You're probably better off without them, hard though that can be to accept.

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 10/10/2014 20:34

How's it going OP?

Lots of calls for going NC here. Good advice, but its not always that simple. Only you know what will work for you and your family in this situation.

raltheraffe · 10/10/2014 20:43

I had parents like this and a sister who is the Golden Child.

After years of abuse and being cut off by them on a whim, I turned the tables on them.

Told them to fuck off. My life has been far happier since that day.

Stratter5 · 10/10/2014 21:02

Me too, ral, exactly the same as you.

I also got the health card played to me, my mum uses her incredibly minor heart problems as a form of blackmail and manipulation. The final straw for me was realising she was doingvexactly the same thing to my DDs, one was (in her eyes) the golden child, the other one was practically ignored. I could not have that, I have spent the whole of motherhood ensuring they never felt like I did as a child, so we went NC

I cannot begin to tell you how liberating it is, how free we all feel. It's winderful, and our tiny little family is so much happier.

raltheraffe · 10/10/2014 22:24

I have only had one child and stopped at that so there is no way I can favour one over the other.

I had the moral blackmail too. Was told if I quit Uni (I hated it) it would be the death of my granddad, and I was stupid enough to stay, not wanting to be responsible for his death.

Year after I graduated he died anyway.

raltheraffe · 10/10/2014 22:26

My mum used the drink as blackmail. Apparently I drove her to alcoholism. After trying to stop the boozing for 10 years, getting her librium, I just gave up. The only person who can quit alcoholism is the alcoholic.

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