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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my parents and sister have cut me off for seemingly no reason?

74 replies

PinkPolkaDotPurple · 09/10/2014 13:54

My parents and sister have always been quite difficult people. Parents are both abusive narcissists. Sister is the golden child.

My parents are both extremely oversensitive, getting offended at every little thing, and often reading things into things that simply are not there. As a child I would often get a hiding because I said something in a tone they didn't like, or looked at my dad the wrong way. As a teenager they would threaten to throw me out of the house and cut me off at every opportunity. I wasn't a badly behaved teenager by any stretch of the imagination, and crept around trying to please them. My mum would always scream and cry about any little thing and would take offence at everything. If I went to a friend's house, for example, I would be sulked at for days, and it would then come to a head a few days later with my mum having a screaming and crying 'tantrum', me getting a smack from my dad, and eventually it would blow over until the next time....

So, I am now late thirties and throughout my life my parents have cut me off several times. When they do this my sister cuts me off too. Each period of 'cutting off' lasts up to a year.

There was a period of cutting off about 10 years ago when my parents saw one of DH's friends in the street. DH's friend is quite a sarcastic, jokey person and made a joke, which my parents immediately took offence too and decided that DH and I had told him to say it. They didn't speak to DH and I for over a year, AND we didn't find out what we had supposedly done until they started talking to us again!

Another time they stopped talking to us for a few months because my dad popped round, at his insistence (he is a martryr) to paint something in our house, and apparently I didn't appear grateful enough and said hello to him in a strange tone.

There have been various other equally petty things, such as when I had PND after having DC1. My mum turned it round to being all about her, and said she couldn't cope with me having it and she would see me again when I was "more normal". And again lots more screaming and crying from her.

And now they are not speaking to us again, this time it's been about 16 months. This time we know the reason. Apparently it is because we were "off" with my sister and BIL over a year ago one day at my parents' house, and so my parents and sister have decided that I don't like my sister and BIL and I'm no longer welcome in any of their houses.

I was speaking with my Gran this morning, who said it's making her so sad that we're all not speaking, but I was saying that I am totally bemused about it and I've had enough of them cutting me off for no reason.

AIBU to be upset about it all? I just do not know how to handle it

OP posts:

Purplecircle · 09/10/2014 14:37

Walk away from the drama
They will no doubt get in touch again. I'd keep them at a distance and not play their games. Personally I'd also tell them why I'm not joining in too
They will never change.
Best you can do is lower your expectations or go no contact.
It's shit though. They sound horrendous whereas you sound perfectly normal!

figgieroll · 09/10/2014 14:38

Either go NC now completely permanently or warn them that you are finding their behaviour too stressful and if they ever go NC contact again instead of discussing things like adults, you will go permanently NC forever

sherbetpips · 09/10/2014 14:40

as a few on here have said it is high time the cut off came from you, dont make a formal thing of it just stop contacting them for goodness sake, they will then get the hump and cut you off anyway so all sorted!

TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 09/10/2014 14:46

When they say they want to be in contact again, look at them oddly and say, "Oh, were you not speaking to us again? I hadn't realised!" And then get on with your day.

I said that to erratic friend and she went bonkers. I genuinely hadn't realised we weren't talking though!

Hoppinggreen · 09/10/2014 14:53

Don't be uset, be relieved.
You don't need to it up with their shit anymore

YoSkylar · 09/10/2014 14:57

Bloody hell! You're not alone, we've got drama queens in our family too, my sister I've been stressing over her atrocious behaviour for years but since our last 'cut off' phase in July, i am suddenly past caring! As you should be too! Life is too flipping short, put yourselves first, if they don't like it then Bollocks to them!

cozietoesie · 09/10/2014 14:57

PinkPolka

Can you thinkg of any really happy times you've had with them? (And I'm talking genuinely happy and not just happy because you were being left alone or treated 'normally')

BarbarianMum · 09/10/2014 15:05

Yes, YAB totally U - but that's not your fault, it's how you've been conditioned.

You do not need to spend your life being these people's whipping 'boy' - it is sheer bad luck you are related to them. You obviously have some insight into the dynamics of your birth family (your real family are the people you now live with). Please take this heaven sent opportunity to detach emotionally from them and to keep them away from your child(ren). Get some counselling, read some books, join the Stately Homes thread (in relationships) and break free.

You may always be sad at not getting the family you deserved but you do not have to be sad that this one is not talking to you. With help you may reach the point that you choose to go non-contact with them (at which point they'll come running cause its no fun for them if you're not hurting - these are really very bad people).

cozietoesie · 09/10/2014 15:13

Here's a quick link to the Stately Homes thread which you might find useful - it has some great links and resources and - importantly - reading it will help you to realize that you're not alone.

captainmummy · 09/10/2014 15:22

my mum pulls the health card and says that I will make her so stressed one day that she'll drop dead!. No she won't (drop down dead).

Go NC right back at them. thank your stars that they are not speaking to you.

Get on with your life. Wait for them to 'come round', decide you have been punished enough, then ignore, ignore, ignore for ever after.

Ignore Gran who wants everyone to get on - my mum does this (I am NC with sister and father) and pours on the guilt. I don't care. They are toxic and I don't need them.

Live happily ever after.

ChasedByBees · 09/10/2014 15:23

The thing that worries me is that if I refuse to see them my mum pulls the health card and says that I will make her so stressed one day that she'll drop dead!

But this is what they're doing to you and try did it when you had PND and actually really did need help and support for your mental health. Did they care then?

By you being there when they've decided you've been punished enough it means that you are there waiting to be punished again. Don't give them that control. They are willing to break contact with you for very long periods. They could drop dead at any point during that (and so could any of us, so you too). If that really bothered them they wouldnt do this to you.

Change your phone number.

Only1scoop · 09/10/2014 15:24

Sounds awful Op....

See your gran but give the others a politely wide berth

SuperWifeANDMum · 09/10/2014 15:27

YABU to even speak to them. They are vile, when they try and contact you again tell them that you don't want to speak to either of them again and list the reasons why and leave it at that.

Why would you want these toxic people in your life.

HibiscusIsland · 09/10/2014 15:48

I really feel for you. They sound awful. Your turn to cut them off now and refuse to engage with all the screaming and nastiness. Can you move away and stop answering the phone to them if they try and contact you? You deserve better than people who treat you so badly

HibiscusIsland · 09/10/2014 15:48

nicenewdusters · 09/10/2014 16:01

I have recently gone nc with my partner's father, and several members of my wider (not immediate) family (all due to the same incident). This was a decision forced upon me to save my own sanity, and these were people I had known (in most cases) all my life, trusted and liked. It's been a horrible decision, but I have no regrets and the feeling of relief that these dreadful people are no longer in my life is immense.

How I would feel if they were my immediate family and had treated me the way you describe in your op I don't know. I can't see any benefit to you in maintaining any sort of relationship with them, they sound unhinged and as though you're their punchbag.

I am very family orientated and never thought I'd find myself in this position, but you have to deal with what's really infront of you, not the family you hoped to have. It's massively disappointing, but also quite liberating to realise that you have the power, and right, to walk away. There are around 7 billion people on this planet, through genetics you're related to these three. Let them continue to star in the sitcom of their own making, walk away and live well - the best revenge !!

Charitybelle · 09/10/2014 16:04

When your family next get in touch and your mum tries to explain how upset you made them with your latest 'transgression' maybe just nod and say 'yes I agree completely, I think it's best if we just limit/cut off contact. I'm obviously causing you too much stress, it would be best if we didn't see each other any more'. Then reduce contact to as much/little as suits you.
Agree that you'll get a lot of support on the stately homes thread. Going NC with family may seem extreme, but the more you read on there the more you might see that this is not normal behaviour and you deserve better. Good luck OP.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 09/10/2014 16:53

if I refuse to see them my mum pulls the health card and says that I will make her so stressed one day that she'll drop dead

So what? If they're not seeing or talking to you, does it matter if they're alive or dead?

duhgldiuhfdsli · 09/10/2014 16:56

My mum will say she's been so upset about it all and go on and on about all the trouble and upset I have 'caused' her

Suppose you just put the phone down. How upset would she be then?

You're co-dependent. You're letting her behave appallingly, and then not having any consequences afterwards. Were you the parent in such a relationship, you'd be the parent who rewards their child for stopping hitting people, rather than sanctioning them for hitting in the first place.

You mother's unpleasant and goes out of her way to hurt you, and then blames you for it. Why do you encourage her by letting her get away with it?

Aeroflotgirl · 09/10/2014 17:00

Yes put the phone down, they don't sound like they love or care for you much.

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 09/10/2014 17:53

Sorry OP but it does sound like you are the "whipping boy" of the family. I hold the same position sadly. You have put up with too much for too long.

If I didn't have DC I would not have anything to do with my parents or brother. As it is I see them only to pick up and drop the DC so that they can have a relationship with their grandparents as I didn't. That of course is something for you to think about... Are they good to your DC? Is the relationship good for them? As for yourself, don't let them hurt you and detach as much as you can. As previous posters have said taking control here is essential.

As the saying goes you can't chose your family.... Well you can. Don't allow them to drag you down. Do what's best for you and your family. Good luck OP.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/10/2014 18:04

Cab you change your phone numbers or move if possible, so they can not contact you or will they just turn up on your doorstep.

cerealqueen · 09/10/2014 18:21

Agree with other posters, take control. Next time they deign to invite you back into your lives, say no, you've had enough. They seem to love making you unhappy, don't put up with it anymore. If you stress them and they stress you there are health benefIts all round for going NC!

cozietoesie · 09/10/2014 18:30

YouGatorade touched upon a very real issue for you - your DC.

Are you prepared to see them treated as you were treated? Or, alternatively, to have them manipulated against you in some way to keep you as the whipping boy? There are many possible things that could happen and I would remind you that cutting your parents etc off is not just to protect you (although Goodness Knows that's quite enough) but also to protect your own DC and family.

That lot are so off that I wouldn't trust them with anything or anybody.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 09/10/2014 19:44

Your parents sound abusive and controlling, your sister has learnt well from them.

I'm sorry OP, they're sounding like very horrible people tbh. You need to take back control: cutting you off at their whim and getting contact as their choice is emotionally abusive behaviour. They are keeping you on edge and in line, they're punishing you with the silent treatment.

It sounds like once screaming, throwing out threats and physical abuse didn't work on you anymore-because you became independent as you grew up- they turned to up the emotional.

Do you really want such toxic people in your lives? Your childs?

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