To send my son to school in his sister's pink raincoat.

[Oakmaiden]

What with the fact he is raining. And has lost his raincoat. And left his school coat at school - again.

I have offended his dignity. WIBU to hope that this will spur him to remember his coat in the future?

Presumably your DS wants to attend ballet so the people mentioning about your DS being targeted by bullies were responding to your action of making him wear a coat that he didn't want to wear. There is nothing inconsistent in those same posters saying it is perfectly fine for your DS to go to ballet classes because he wants to.

The entire issue was that he didn't want to wear a pink coat. You asked about a specific scenario and posters responded to a specific scenario. It's a complete straw man to extrapolate from that that posters condone bullying and gender stereotyping.

Not really, Sue. The point I am arguing is that if his peers don't care about the ballet, they are unlikely to care about the pink coat. Both are activities which "might" in some places be a trigger for bullying. He does the former through choice - his peers don't care. He did the latter through necessity - his peers didn't care about that either.

But if our jobs as parents is to ensure we don't ever allow them to indulge in behaviours which might make them a target, then we should surely do it properly? And make sure they don't do anything which makes them stand out?

And no, it isn't a "straw man". No-one has said they condone bullying - of course not. But what has clearly been said is that it is the duty of the victim and parents or the victim to ensure they don't behave in a way to make them a target of bullying. "A boy wearing a pink coat would br great fuel for a bit of bullying...."; "As much as everyone bleats on about how 'it's just a colour' 9 year old boys would jump on this straight away."; "I think you risk setting your son up for being bullied for the rest of his school career."; "I would never set my son up for that". So what posters ARE doing is arguing that the potential victim needs to change his behaviour, so that he doesn't "make himself a target". Hmmm... sound familiar from other debates?

I have offended his dignity

Its a minor thing, wearing a "girl's" coat, in the grand scheme of life, I doubt wearing a pink coat would get anyone bullied, all other things being equal, and i agree with others that we shouldn't have to watch or correct ourselves in order not to be bullied. But having to wear something that you see as belonging to another gender, or out of your comfort zone, as a child, can make you feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed and who needs that on top of algebra?

And despite your later protestations that nobody cared about the coat, and he is not bothered, and you didn't make him wear his sister's pink raincoat to school as a deliberate "consequence" for forgetting his coat, that is not how your OP comes across.

You are contradicting yourself.

In your op you state that you have 'offended his dignity' but then you go on to say that your ds claims that he wasn't bothered.

So do you think that you have offended his dignity (your phrase) and if so, why?

I thought the thought process was "Here is something that will prevent you from spending the day in soaking wet clothes, even though it is not your preferred coat. If you remember to bring your preferred coat home you can wear that instead".

In my house the OP could have equally read:

"Am I being unreasonable to send my daughter to school in her least favourite pair of trousers, because all her other trousers have failed to make it to the laundry basket and they are the only ones in her drawer".

To be fair, I can imagine situations where the wrong trousers would be social death. However, sometimes children are just fussy.

I am not contradicting myself. He needed to wear a coat. The only coat I was aware was available was pink. Ergo, he had to wear the pink coat.

I haven't said he "wasn't bothered". He was bothered. It did offend his dignity. But there was no howling, tantrums or tears - he reluctantly accepted that he needed to wear a coat, even though it did offend his dignity and he was worried about being seen in it. Because it was pink. And he is aware that it is socially unusual for boys to wear pink.

If I had been concerned he might be bullied as a consequence I may have let him get wet instead, but as it was, I didn't think that would be an issue.

As it turns out now - after the initial getting to school hoping not to be seen, it was no problem. A few people laughed at THE COAT (but not at him) he threw the coat at his sister to remove from his presence, and everyone went about their business. He is no longer bothered. Although he said he would rather wear a big jumper on top of his uniform next time. Taking on board the comments (however much I ideologically disapprove) if there is a next time I will let him do that.

and sparrow - it is beginning to look like you are just trying to find reasons to argue with me. Which is tiresome.

What is completely unreasonable is the message sent out to girls when they see that boys would rather go without than risk being contaminated with anything girly.

You are contradicting yourself, actually. You said earlier his friends noticed and laughed; you say now "his peers didn't care". How can it be both scenarios simultaneously?

I quote (myself) "A few people laughed at THE COAT (but not at him) he threw the coat at his sister to remove from his presence, and everyone went about their business."

So a few people laughed when he got there, and then everyone forgot about it. So in the long run nobody cared. Nobody picked on his, or teased him all day, as MN decreed would inevitably happen.

Or indeed - "for the rest of his school career" as I was also assured would happen.

And my first post mentioning reaction
"He says people did see them, and they laughed at his coat, but then he chucked it in the cloak room, and no-one mentioned it again."

That looks to me like almost exactly what I said later (with the exception of what happened to the coat - ds told me that he had chucked it in the cloakroom. Then I found it in my daughter's bag this morning, and she said he had actually chucked it at her.

It also seems - in the context of it being used a trigger for bullying - which is what we are talking about - that they didn't care.

I'm sure you're right Op, the children will have forgotten all about the "pink coat" incident, hopefully because they realise IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY MATTER!

Sorry for shouting but this kind of thing really pisses me off.

I really feel for you OP and am too very surprised at the overreaction of the posters! I thought it would be a lighthearted laugh at how silly it was to be bothered about a pink coat - everyone has taken this very seriously!

You didn't do anything wrong - everyone is in a weird pedantic mood and feel like making you out to be the one who is either a) sexist 'a pink coat as PUNISHMENT???!' or b) wilfully allowing your child to be bullied. Bollocks. You are a normal person just pondering the simple action of handing your male child a 'giiirrrls' coat.

I feel bad that you're having to defend yourself!

I'd have sent my 9yo in the pink coat, he would think it was funny.

I have sent him with dds fairy princess pink lunch bag when he forgot to bring his back and he did understand my point.

It also seems - in the context of it being used a trigger for bullying - which is what we are talking about - that they didn't care

maybe not yet but it's there in their armoury now if he falls out with anyone?

maybe not yet but it's there in their armoury now if he falls out with anyone?

sigh Yes, maybe you are right. Or maybe if he falls out with someone and they want to pick on him they will find one of a million other things to focus on. Talk about borrowing trouble...

Anyway.

Bored now.

Mine at 9 would have not been all that bothered. Now at 12 he'd hate it.

I think you dealt with it very well, OP, and it sounds like your DS did, too. People kicking up a fuss are being ridiculous.

I think it was good that he wore a coat in the rain.

But i know that lots of kids, especially when older, would rather freeze than wear a coat at all, or one that's unfashionable, or their mum's or sister's.

But what has clearly been said is that it is the duty of the victim and parents or the victim to ensure they don't behave in a way to make them a target of bullying.
I don't think that has been said. The responses were to your specific situation where you thought making your DS wear a pink coat had 'offended his dignity' (clue: this meant it wasn't his choice!) and that his dignity being offended would spur him to remember in future (which didn't work so it wasn't an effective technique).

You could have made him wear a superhero cape that was 2 sizes too small in the hope of 'offending his dignity' and spurring him to remember. I really think you'd have had the same responses. It wasn't about gender or stereotyping. It was about posters responding to whether it was an effective technique or an appropriate one. You made it about gender stereotyping by stating the pink coat had offended his dignity.

Anyway, you seem quite sure YWNBU so this has all been worthwhile

BookABooSue
Yes. Agree with this post above.

I keep trying to walk away, and keep letting myself be drawn bakc in...

I don't think that has been said. Oh it has. You must have read that post, since you quoted it. Saying "You shouldn't make him wear a pink coat because it will make him a target for bullying" (which HAS been said, over and over) is victim blaming in the same way it would be victim blaming if you said "You shouldn't let your daughter go out wearing just a bikini, you are setting her up to get raped."

It was about posters responding to whether it was an effective technique or an appropriate one. Really? Are you reading the same thread as me? Because one of the first responses was "He would forever be the boy in the pink coat." The fact he didn't want to wear it is OF COURSE to do with gender stereotyping.

Anyway, you seem quite sure YWNBU so this has all been worthwhile sigh I was waiting for that. If you attempt to fight your corner at all on AIBU then someone eventually trots that out.

Despite the fact that my initial question was AIBU to send my son to school in his sister's pink raincoat, and ?I have since said "So whilst I may make a different choice if this situation arises again, ?I don't think the choice I made has actually done any harm." and "Taking on board the comments (however much I ideologically disapprove) if there is a next time I will let him do that." Most of the debate has centred around the likelihood of him being subsequently bullied in the future, and the extent to which that would be my fault for putting him in a pink coat.

But whatever. You read what you want into it. As it happens, it doesn't seem to have done any harm at all.

I think maybe this is one of those instances where tone of voice doesn't come across on the internet. My children are always having their dignity offended.

Usually when I sing in the car.

Yes, ds's dignity is regularly offended too. Especially if I ask him to wash.

You might be right, merry. Offended dignity isn't a big deal to me. Unfortunate, but you get over it quickly enough.